What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02

"I like you a lot too and I want you to be happy." I said, scrambling for the right words to convey my concern, yet not sound as desperate as I felt. "I mean, all I really want is for you to be happy."

I turned back to face Nick. "That's why I didn't take him up on his offer. I didn't want to. I want you."

The lump had receded from my throat but my eyes were still a bit misty.

Nick nodded a little, eyes still on me, as if to say, "Nice save."

"So?" I questioned, holding his eye contact.

"Dude, you need to understand that I'm not with you because I like guys. I'm with you because I like you, period." Nick said. "I'm not with you because I couldn't find anything else better to do. And generally, you do make me happy."

He smiled, then finally looked away.

I was about to respond, but my instincts told me to just be still. Nick continued his thought.

"I'm with you because I genuinely like you." His gaze swept over me then back out toward the ocean. "You've always given me the feeling that you were happy with who I am.

"You've never seemed to want to change me or insisted that I feel the same as you on any subject.

"Its just a given that we agree to disagree on certain things and I like that. You are who you are and you let me be who I am. I never really realized that that was what I wanted before I met you.

"You've always seemed to just let me exist exactly as you found me and I do appreciate it, trust me." He turned and looked me straight in the eye. "I appreciate you, period."

I couldn't stop it, I had to say something at this point.

"Dude, me too." I agreed, dropping a tear and quickly wiping it away. "I mean like you too and you're very important to me.

I've always found it very difficult to say precisely what I mean, but I meant that and much more. I wanted to grab him and hug him but I restrained myself.

"And, no I've never thought of you as my project to fix, I'm just glad you are who you are today!"

My voice wavered a bit and I was a little embarrassed about not being able to express myself as eloquent as he had, but I had a great deal of passion flowing through my veins.

"I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't want you to be with anyone else." I declared.

After my voice had betrayed me and I finally became aware that I was moving about the room desperately, like a man trying to prove his case, I stopped dead in my tracks, just looking at him. My heart was pounding and I felt pathetically exposed. This is not the hard image that I had intended to convey.

"I'm with the person that I wanna be with too." He said, finishing his drink. "For now."

"Oh, dude... Harsh!" I frowned, but I knew he was kidding or at least I hope he was.

I wondered briefly why both of had danced around the word 'love' so easily. Was it his doing or mine? We had both been very careful not to use that word.

Nick grinned as he got up to pour himself another drink. My eyes traveled over his muscular torso, lingering at his nice sized package, then down to his well developed, muscular legs. Oh but, that hairy chest and stomach drives me crazy.

Nick is beautiful from top to bottom. Porn star beautiful, and no one can honestly dispute that fact. I felt lucky to have him.

I once saw a guy on the net named Colton Ford, I don't know if that's his real name, but Nick looks a lot like this guy, but I can't or won't tell him that. Nick is real and he belongs to me for now. Colton is just a man while Nick is nearing some weird god-like status in my mind.

At that moment, I finally understood the meaning of the boxer briefs. He wanted me to be clear on what I'd be forfeiting should I choose someone else over him. Maybe that was his plan all along, maybe not. I don't care. There was never any argument or any other choice.

He needn't have gone to the trouble. As much as I love the way he looks, things have gone way beyond that now. I've glimpse more important things in his heart and mind that have a much greater value to me than his appearance.

Just then he looked at me, I mean really looked at me. He set down his drink and walked towards me.

For one second his eyes seemed to speak to me. I could see the desire and need in him that I don't often see. I can get completely lost in his eyes and briefly I wonder if knows that, if that is all in his plan. Yet I can't control the instinctive desire to fuck him. To drive my pole deep into him. I melted into him. I want him more than anything.

His aggressive strength startled me as he quickly and forcefully maneuvered me into a position that made me feel supplicant. Then he kissed and held me. We were beautiful for a moment.

His mouth and kisses fell on me like a brave spring shower. It meant forgiveness and more over it felt like he loved me as much as I loved him.

A man's can kiss is never clear except in his own mind. And I accept that.

Women play with a kiss and it can mean anything to them, but for a man the right kind of kiss means fuck me or I'm going to fuck you. Its very simple.

Nick pulled me over the back of the sofa and lay down on his back with me on top of him. Looking at those eyes I never want to fuck him because I that it hurts him in the beginning, but I just can't resist. But I also know the look when the pain fades and his eyes turn to relief once I'm inside him fully.

His eyes are very tricky. Most times I can't look at him and tell what he feels based on the color. I have to feel his voice or mood.

From ten feet, his eyes look sort of murky, gray, but at five feet they look brown and if you're lucky enough to be one or two from them, they look sort of green and sparkly. But after I slide into him and he finally opens them, they're always the same shiny shade of green. Sparkling and shining up or down at me depending on our position.

However, they assume the same luster when he's pissed, so I don't ever know if he's mad or in lust. This man has charms that he even he can't control.

"Look, we're both guys right? Grown men, sort of?" He shrugged, nodding. "Let's not make this a whole complicated thing, alright?

"If we like each other we should keep it that way." He smiled up at me. "I don't want you to feeling guilty about being attracted to other people. So if you want an open relationship, I think I can roll with that."

"You're lying." I smiled, my eyes roaming over his strong, muscular and oh, so flawless body.

I grabbed his face and made sure that I had is focus.

"You can't 'roll with that' and neither can I. You're not that guy. And I don't wanna be that guy either, not with you anyway."

I kissed his forehead.

"There's no way I'm sharing you with anyone."

Almost before I knew it Nick was on top of me and insisting entry into me.

He was out of his shorts and had my legs up on his waist. My mind was still on our conversation while he was slicking my hole with his spit.

There was a brief second when I saw stars and then the head of his dick was in me and he was showing no mercy.

I couldn't believe how easily my body opened to him. But it hurt like hell. This wasn't a brief moment event either.

"Nick!" I yelled, but there was no stopping him.

He pushed in and I just endured the pain, with his arms around my body. It was tough but I didn't stop him.

I knew that he wasn't going to stop so I just allowed him stuff me to the point where I thought I might just bust open. God, it was painful.

Nick's hard dick is quite huge. Even just the first few inches filled me like a huge tree trunk being shoved inside me. It hurt like hell and I know he meant to put every inch of it inside me. For one merciful second I thought I might pass out from the pain, but I didn't.

Once you've been opened like that all you can do is wait until its over. That fat cock pushed in and held me open for what seemed like forever.

I desperately wanted him to stop, but I knew that he'd endured far worse when I'd plowed into body, without mercy, so I just cowboy'ed up and took it like a man.

Nick drove into me relentlessly, but soon he found my lips and kissed me. I kissed him back cause it was all I could do. His cock hadn't felt so big before.

The first time we did this wasn't easy but I don't remember it being so difficult for me.

With all of his meat deep inside me, I could barely catch a full breath. He lay still for a long time and I was grateful.

Then he began to fuck me. He took it easy on me at first, but that only prolonged the eternity of having a dick inside me.

His stamina amazed even me. He pushed and pounded and pile drove into me for longer than any angry man should have. Again, I found it hard to breathe.

The fucking, the sensation of it slowly filled my senses and I couldn't keep my hands off him while he drove that giant pole inside me. I didn't love it, but I was no longer in agony. My internal organs seemed to have moved to accomodate his pole and my libido was starting to respond to his driving cock.

The more he fucked, the more my dick started to grow. And soon I was fully erect. I could feel my asshole starting to grip his enormous cock on the out strokes.

I was going to cum soon and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I knew it was a grudge fuck but I tried to keep my orgasm in line with his. Eventually, Nick came wildly. His cock flexed and spasmed wildly inside me.

His wild gyrations drove me over the edge. I grabbed my cock as if it were trying to get away. And indeed it had gotten away from me. I was shooting before I could stop it. Not that I wanted to.

I could feel my ass was jerking around and squeezing tightly around his fat dick, while my dick throbbed wildly as gobs of goo flew out all over me. My hand worked furiously to keep up. My legs flexed and tried to pull him closer. My toes curled and uncurled uncontrollably.

When I was done, I felt exhausted, then violated.

We just stared at each other for longer than either of us was happy with. Then I was angry with him. I pushed him off but he came back and snuggled close to me.

It felt like I'd been 'prison-fucked' and I wanted to punch him, but I didn't.

Staring at him I almost did something that I knew I would regret. I was so very close. But instead I went another way. I just cuddled with him for a while until I was able to get a better hold on my feelings and emotions.

There's always been something about guys sharing a sexual experience that excites me. Men cumming in close proximity to one another excites me for some reason. Whether they're cumming on each other or in each or on other people, I just dig it. I guess you can say I have a fetish.

---

Later when he awoke, he smiled up at me.

"This would be the perfect time to change your mind about me, if you were so inclined." I said.

"I'm not that easily dissuaded." Nick smiled.

Unable to control myself, I traced one finger down the line of hair that leads to the waistband of his underwear.

Nick grabbed my hand preventing any further exploration.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Seeing the sights."

"Do you think you deserve a tour after your behavior this evening?"

"Well, yeah."

Looking a little shocked, Nick scoffed turning his face away as I tried to kiss him.

"Look, I'm sorry I behaved so badly." I apologized. "You know, with Declan."

Nick smiled at me again and stroked my face.

"Don't be sorry, just don't do it again. Everyone behaves badly." He said kissing me. "More importantly, don't feel like you have to hide it from me. I'm not here to police your actions or make you feel guilty for how you feel.

"We're both men, I understand your impulses to a certain extent, but just don't make me feel like a fool by trying to hide whatever comes naturally."

"I told you what happened, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you were really on the fence about it. Very diplomatic. And I don't want you to think you need to be that way with me." He said.

"I'm not some love struck little kid, I'm a grown man who lives in the real world. I know there's a lot of people out there who you'll find attractive and who'll try to get into your pants.

And if you decide that's what you want or if this thing between us dissolves of its own accord, you need to know that I don't want to be your enemy. Unless you make me feel foolish. I have as much manly pride as you do. I just ask that you respect that."

"I do." I said, feeling a renewed sense of guilt.

"His attraction to you was obvious and I had already guessed what was about to happened when he followed you into the bathroom." Nick chuckled. "You know, it took all of my self restraint not to knock the hell out of that guy as he smugly walked past me.

"Just be honest with me, that's all I ask."

"I will, I swear." I assured him.

"Good." He said, shoving my hand down his shorts.

Later when he awoke, he smiled up at me.

"This would be the perfect time to change your mind about me, if you were so inclined." I said.

"I'm not that easily dissuaded." Nick smiled.

Unable to control myself, I traced one finger down the line of hair that leads to the waistband of his underwear.

Nick grabbed my hand preventing any further exploration.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Seeing the sights."

"Do you think you deserve a tour after your behavior this evening?"

"Well, yeah."

Looking a little shocked, Nick scoffed turning his face away as I tried to kiss him.

"Look, I'm sorry I behaved so badly." I apologized. "You know, with Declan."

Nick smiled at me again and stroked my face.

"Don't be sorry, just don't do it again. Everyone behaves badly." He said kissing me. "More importantly, don't feel like you have to hide it from me. I'm not here to police your actions or make you feel guilty for how you feel.

"We're both men, I understand your impulses to a certain extent, but just don't make me feel like a fool by trying to hide whatever comes naturally."

"I told you what happened, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you were really on the fence about it. Very diplomatic. And I don't want you to think you need to be that way with me." He said.

"I'm not some love struck little kid, I'm a grown man who lives in the real world. I know there's a lot of people out there who you'll find attractive and who'll try to get into your pants.

And if you decide that's what you want or if this thing between us dissolves of its own accord, you need to know that I don't want to be your enemy. Unless you make me feel foolish. I have as much manly pride as you do. I just ask that you respect that."

"I do." I said, feeling a renewed sense of guilt.

"His attraction to you was obvious and I had already guessed what was about to happened when he followed you into the bathroom." Nick chuckled. "You know, it took all of my self restraint not to knock the hell out of that guy as he smugly walked past me.

"Just be honest with me, that's all I ask."

"I will, I swear." I assured him.

"Good." He said, shoving my hand down his shorts.

This time I went upside him, but I was far more sensitive to his needs than before.

---

"Afterwards, I said, "I need you more than you know. Why do you think I went ape-shit on Jason the other day?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Nick asked getting up and putting on his shorts.

"The other day when he was here trying to seduce you."

His ass looked just as good in boxers as it had when he was naked. My thoughts began to wander.

"Well, as much fun as it was watching you choke him to near death, you don't have to worry about Jason ever seducing me. Its not me he's interested in, and for the record, I don't think it was Jorge that he was interested in either." Nick said walking away from me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"How do I put this?" He pondered. "You can be a bit oblivious at times and I'm sure its difficult to be objective about someone you've known for so long. But I'm telling you, Jason's got a thing for you. A serious thing."

"What?"

"You just don't see it cause you're too close to it. The way he looks at you. The way he talks about you. The things he says to people, well me, are very passive aggressive. Very territorial." Nick informed me. "He's got it bad for you. Everyone else is just an obstacle."

"You're kidding me right?" I laughed.

"If you say so." Nick shrugged.

I found his theory hard to believe. But it completely made sense. I just hadn't seen it from that point of view. It had never occurred to me.

We were both quiet for a while.

"And you know, forgiveness is an absolute thing. You've either got to forgive him for that business with Jorge or don't." Nick said matter of factly. "But you can't keep throwing it at him."

I knew Nick was right. Without knowing it I'd just been wait for a chance to unload on Jason.

"I'm just saying, if you forgive him, then forgive him. And you might want to take it a little easier on him. We all make mistakes."

"Yeah." I agreed, wondering why Nick was all of a sudden on Jason's side.

He looked at me and I looked at him. We didn't say anything for a long time. After a few more drinks Nick began to speak again.

"Oh, and what's with that whole 'dangerous guy' thing you've got going on?" Nick asked. "You had that same look in your eye that day we saw Jorge at his apartment. You could have really hurt him, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." I said.

"I mean, how am I suppose to explain to the cops that I just let you strangle a guy to death in front of me?"

"Well, that easy, you wouldn't have to explain anything to the cops." I said, jokingly. "I'd would have just buried him out back."

Nick was not amused. In fact his gazed turned morose.

"You should really be careful with that temper of yours." He warned, his voice taking on a weird, ominous tone.

He suddenly got very quiet and pensive. His brow furrowed and his eyes got a far off look in them.

"You know I was just kidding, what's wrong?" I asked. "You're not afraid of me are you?"

"No." He mumbled, shaking his head distractedly.

He walked out onto the deck and I followed him.

"Well, what is it?" I questioned gently.

"My father had a temper like that." He said, still staring off into the distance. "When something set him off he was like a rampaging bull, unable to control himself. Unstoppable."

Suddenly his eyes misted over. I reached out to stroke his back but he shrugged me off gently and walked out the deck. Following him out, I offered him a sip of the scotch I'd just poured for myself.

I just looked at him, then out over the water at nothing in particular.

"The summer before I started high school," he started, then paused for another sip, "a friend of mine, Jamie and I were in the garage just fooling around."

I turned to look at him. He just continue to stare into space as if he were already transported back to that summer day.

"Things got a little frisky and we both ended up inside the garage with raging hardons. One thing led to another, soon Jamie had his back to me and was pushing his pants down around his knees.

"I had unfastened my pants and was just about to touch him when I heard a noise. I turned to see my father storming towards us. I freaked. He was supposed to be at work at that time of day, but there he was with look in his eyes, kind of like you get sometimes."

I just stood spellbound by Nick was telling me.

"He was on us in seconds. But knowing my father and how violent he could be, I deftly dodged his grasp, scuttling around and past him, I got out of the garage fastening my pants.

"That's when I heard it. Jamie was gurgling and struggling for air. My father had him by the neck and was shaking him wildly."

Nick's voice seem to tremble a bit but he went on.

"I witnessed the moment that the life passed out of him. His head just flopped at a weird angle and stopped struggling. I couldn't move. I was frozen to that spot.