What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02

Well, there was no getting around it now. Nick was definitely inside the gates and my defenses were down. The cynic in my soul stepped forward shaking his head and threw up his hands in exasperation.

The hopefulness in my soul just relaxed and promised that everything would be alright.

Whatever happened from this point forward, one thing was certainly clear to me. I was in love with Nick. Even though the idea scared me a bit there wasn't much that I could do about it now.

The good thing is that I understand my fear. I own it and accept it. That's how I am able to keep it from controlling me.

But this is by no means an unconditional surrender. I may not be able to help the fact that I love him, but I can certainly control myself and more importantly, I can control my fear.

I'll just have to cowboy up and hope that when this thing goes off the rails, I'll be ready for it. I'll just brace myself for impact and deal with the fallout if and when it comes.

Loath as I am to admit it, Jorge, my ex, had caused a considerable amount of damage to my heart. Nothing that any red-blooded, mature man can't bounce back from, but you tend to accumulate emotional scars. Emotional scars are ugly, terrible things. And unfortunately, some person down the line usually pays the price for them.

Which is why I'd initially decided to keep myself emotionally detached from Nick. I certainly couldn't resist him physically, he's just too damn beautiful. And now it would seem that aside from his near aesthetic perfection, he's also quite beautiful on the inside as well.

I realized that I would have to make a conscience effort not to pile any of my past emotional baggage on Nick. He deserves better than that. Hell, so do I.

Nick knew some the history between Jorge and I. They'd even met on a couple of occasions. Not to mention the fact Nick's already read some of the stories that I'd posted on the Nifty Archive in the past.

After he'd read my stories "Shot Through The Heart" and "Apathy And Promiscuity", he seemed okay with it all. In fact, after reading them he seemed to draw even closer to me.

Just as I was thinking about reaching out to stroke his brow, his eyes popped open.

"What are you doing?" He asked sleepily.

"Thinking." I answered.

"Well, can you think in the other direction?" He said. "You're creeping me out."

Smiling, I turned away from him, towards the window and stared out at the night sky.

A few seconds later Nick cuddled up behind me and kissed the back of my neck.

"What's wrong, you horny again?" He asked snuggling against me. "You wanna crank one out while I watch? Or help?"

"No, that's not it."

"You're worried about your lawsuit?"

"No, my lawyer says that its just a nuisance suit. They're just looking a settlement."

"You gonna settle?"

"I don't know yet." I said.

In truth, I hadn't been thinking about that at all. I had just been watching Nick sleep. I like looking at him. But he was right, it is kinda creepy.

Nick's breathing told me that he'd fallen asleep again. I just stared out the window until I fell asleep.

---

"Going camping Friday. Wanna come with?" I asked.

"What, just you, by yourself?" Nick questioned.

"Yeah, just me. I'm gonna go sit out in the woods and just stare at the trees. Maybe find a few raccoons, some squirrels, you know. We'll all sit around the campfire, sing a few songs." I laughed. "Of course, not just me.

Apparently, Nick failed to see the humor. He just stared at me impassively.

"Anyway, you remember Scott, the guy I work with? We go every so often." I explained. "He's big on fishing, I just like the being in the woods, camping. Nothing special, we just hang out, do a lot of drinking."

"Sounds like a blast." Nick said indifferently.

Hmm, sarcasm. Okay, clearly I deserved that.

"No, it really can be a lot of fun. For instance, last time we brought a bunch of people along and we all went whitewater rafting. That was kinda cool."

"Uh huh." Nick uttered, still sounding completely uninterested.

"That's where ..."

Breaking off in mid-sentence I suddenly remembered that that was where I'd first met Marc and I'd just almost blurted it out.

Probably not a good idea to bring that up just now. Nick is generally a fairly even-tempered guy, but given the fact that he'd beat the crap out Marc a couple of weeks ago, I thought it best not to mention his name.

"That's where ..., what?" Nick asked, still barely interested in what I was saying.

"Nothing." I said, quickly changing the subject. "Besides, Scott asked me to invite you along."

"Maybe next time, huh?" Nick smiled.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"I don't know, you seem a little, I don't know, preoccupied? Out of sorts, perhaps?"

"Nah, I'm fine." He smiled again.

Okay, if he says he's fine, then he's fine. I know how much I hate it when someone continues badgering me after I've told them something once, yet they keep on pestering me about it.

Only he didn't seem fine. Sitting behind my desk, pretending surfing the web, I watched him as he readied himself for work. He didn't seem fine at all. Nevertheless, I let it go.

Nick didn't say anything else. He finished dressing and left for work. I started packing my gear for tomorrow's trip.

Later that night when Nick came in, I looked up to see him covered with dirt and debris.

"What happened to you?" I asked.

"Some asshole ran me off the road." He fumed.

"What? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, my bike's in worse shape than I am." He replied.

"Well, what happened?"

"I don't know. He just seemed to come out of nowhere and started my riding my ass and flashing his lights, so I tried to pull over to let him pass but he wouldn't. He just kept after me until he forced me off the side of the road. The he just blazed a trail out of there."

"Dude, you should call the police!"

"And tell them what, somebody scared me and I fell off my bike?"

"Well, you could at least report the incident."

"No thanks." He said, collapsing onto the recliner. "And I know what you're thinking, but that was definitely a guy behind the wheel of that truck."

Nick was probably right. I just stood silently looking him over for any obvious signs of injury. There were none.

"Do you want me to get you something?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm cool. Just need to calm down a bit."

I wanted to go over to him and wipe the dirt away and hold him. Instead I fixed him a drink and just sat quietly with him for a while.

A little while later after he'd cleaned himself up he came out onto the deck where I had resumed packing my camping gear.

"Listen, there's something I have to tell you." He said, quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Nicole's been hanging around the bar lately." He said.

"Uh huh."

He told me about all her efforts to win him back. Apparently she'd tried everything from pleading to alluding to a fake pregnancy.

I didn't know what to think. This revelation on the heels of the burning down of his trailer and the current incidence of him being run off the road. All sorts of things ran through my mind, but I didn't flinch.

"Okay." I said, getting up to get myself a drink.

He followed me back inside.

She wanted him back and I didn't blame her. Nick is a rare individual. Even having him as a friend is more than enough for anyone.

"And I know what you're thinking, but I know she didn't burn me out."

"Yeah," I nodded. "Actually, I wasn't thinking that at all."

"Anyway, she's just bored and lonely." Nick said. "In the past, I was always her 'bored and lonely' guy. Her 'go to guy' when all else failed, she could always turn to me when things weren't going so well in her life. Apparently, she's batted around the order and I'm up again."

"I see." I said carefully.

I was on precarious ground here. If he wanted to go back to her, he would go, regardless of what I said or felt. And I didn't want him to feel that I would stand in his way.

"Okay, so what now?" I asked.

He gave me the most curious look and then sighed. His posture was neither encouraging nor hopeful. Then his face went blank.

"Well, I've been her 'go to' guy for a long time." Nick said flatly.

I felt a little panicked but I also knew it wouldn't do any good to express that emotion if his mind was already made up. So I tried to be mature and looked him straight in the eye. I tried to think quickly and diplomatically.

"Listen man, your invitation to stay here is always open." I said. "No matter what you decide, I'd like you to always consider me your."

Nick's eyes glistened with more expression and emotion at that moment than I'd ever seen before. His eyebrows furrowed, then they arched up curiously. He stood and ran his fingers through my hair.

"Dude." He said gruffly. "It was never a question of whether I would go back to her. I was just a little troubled about the fact that I hadn't told you about it.

"Even if this thing between you and me doesn't work out, I would never go back to her." Nick assured.

"Alright." I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant and feeling a wary sort of relief. "Up to you."

We made love like lost boys that night It was incredible.

"You sure you don't want to come camping?" I asked Nick.

"No, that's your guys thing, huh?." He nodded. "I'll go next time you have a rafting trip or something like that, now that sounds like fun."

"Okay, I'm gonna hold you to that."

---

After we got to the campsite late Friday afternoon, Scott and I set up camp and cracked open a few beers.

"So you're coming into the office all next week, right?" Scott asked.

"Yeah, I've got some code that I need to go over with you."

That's one of benefits of working as a programming contractor, I can do most of my work at home. I only going into the office when absolutely necessary.

Generally I work from home, but occasionally I have to go in and discuss whatever project I've been assigned with the project manager. That's usually Scott. I like it that way.

Sitting in cubical all day, like I used to is very counter- productive for me. I can't think in small spaces.

"I've just been a little preoccupied with this whole lawsuit thing." I told him.

"Yeah, what's going on with that?" Scott asked.

"Well, not much at the moment. But my lawyer says, worst case scenario, we'll offer them a small settlement to make it go away."

"And why exactly are you being sued?"

"Long story short, I did some programming work for these low-rent punks. Surprisingly, they had me sign a non-disclosure agreement. Well, they're trying to sue me for violating that."

"Yeah, so what did happen?"

"Oh, their little fly-by-night operation went belly up, not my fault of course. But they found out that I did some work for a similar company and now they're claiming a conflict of interest. Accusing me of violating the non-disclosure agreement.

"My lawyer thinks that they just found out how much I'm worth so they wanna try to drain my bank account, since I declined their offer to become an investor."

"I see." Scott said. "So, what now?"

"My lawyer's got some people researching and verifying paper work, checking dates, et cetera. We'll see what happens." I shrugged.

We drank late into the night and I was feeling pretty damn good. Completely relaxed for the first time in quite a while.

I love being out in the woods, camping. I suppose that's a holdover from my Marine Corps days.

The next day, Scott fished, I watched and we both continued drinking.

"So, how's your boyfriend?" Scott jibed, after we'd hiked back from the river.

"Don't say that."

"Don't say what?" Scott chuckled.

"Don't call him my boyfriend." I said, a little annoyed. "He's just ... , we're just friends. What are you, a ten year old?"

"Sorry, I just thinks its funny." Scott laughed. "Way to bring the room down, Captain Bummer."

"What exactly is so funny?" I asked.

"I don't know, just the way you get so freaked out about it." He chuckled. "Of course, I never would have suspected a thing, no one would have. But you gave yourself away."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, I wish you could see the look on your face right now.

"Oh, and that day at your house, remember, when I met him?" Scott laughed, remembering my embarrassment. "When he came out of the bathroom, you got the most bizarre look on your face, it was hilarious. Like a little kid, caught stealing from the cookie jar. It was priceless."

"Yeah, I was there, remember." I said, a little exasperated.

Looking back, I suppose it probably was funny as hell.

Scott just giggled for a while as I busied myself stoking the campfire.

"So why didn't you bring him this weekend?" He asked, giving me a sidelong glance, like he knew something that I didn't. "You know I'm cool with it."

"I don't know."

"Oh," Scott muttered. He looked deeply disappointed in me.

"There's nothing wrong in a little man on man action." He continued. "I mean, if you love each other. Hell, even if you don't. Do you love him?

"Dude! Would you please..." I interrupted.

"Don't fucking 'Dude' me! You can talk to me about this. Hell man, I thought our friendship was deeper that!"

The scowl on his face really surprised me. I was quite taken aback.

"Sorry." I apologized.

"Look, don't let this get between us. I'm more your boyfriend than he is. He said using air quotes. "Well, except for the sex thing."

"Even so..." I countered.

"Come on Craig, that's bullshit and you know it!" Scott fumed indignantly. "We've been friends a long time and you know all my deepest, darkest secrets. Now I have to persuade and bargain with you about what we share and what we don't share? Hell, I'd rather not be friends at all."

Scott was right. We have been friends a long time and he's been very trustworthy the whole way.

"Honestly, Nick had to work." I conceded.

"That's all I asked."

"Can we change the subject now?"

"Alright, alright, don't get your little panties in twist." Scott chuckled. "But you do see how weird you are now, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. It just feels weird, you know, sharing this. And phrases like 'don't get your panties in twist' doesn't help."

"That's precisely what I'm saying. You're too sensitive about all of this. You need to relax man. Just take it in stride. Its just the two of us here. Its clear that you want it known and I certainly won't tell anyone."

"Look, this might be easy for you but ..."

"Oh boy!" Scott got up and strode towards me. "No, its not easy for me either. Hell, I kinda feel like you've been cheating on me. Well, at the very least, you've been dishonest with me."

I was speechless. Unable even to put forth a cogent argument. He had me dead to rights.

He's not really threatening to me, he just has a way of beating me down with words. I'm not sure but I think I cringed a little bit.

Scott sat down again thankfully. His words just hung there in the air for a while. We exchanged glances in silence every few seconds until I could no longer stand it.

"Look, I just never had any reason to share that part of my life with anyone. Life can be pretty tough, who needs the extra pressure?" I opined. "I guess I never wanted to tell anyone cause I didn't want anyone to look at me differently. I just didn't want to share and I still don't."

"Well, don't look now, but I think you just shared something." Scott said.

He got up and came toward me with his arms outspread like he wanted a hug.

As I got up to face him, he cuffed me sharply in the back of the head.

"We're friends, best friends! We tell each other EVERYTHING without fear of judgment or reprisals. We'll be fair with each other and most of all we don't spare each other's feelings. Got it?!"

"Yeah." I smiled.

Scott smile broadly and hugged me close.

"But dude, most of all, and this is important...", he grabbed the back of my neck tightly and pulled my forehead to his, "we trust each other, alright?. And never, ever tell each other's secrets. Agreed?"

"Agreed." I said, pushing him back from me.

"It's a lot cheaper than therapy and much more beneficial, I think." He grumbled taking seat again. "So, when I can meet him?"

"You've already met him, remember." I retorted. "Anyway, why are you so interested in him?"

"Don't be so defensive, I'm not interested in him." Scott said earnestly. "You're my friend. My interest lies in what he sees in you.

Scott paused for effect, as he often does. I remained quiet.

"Anyway, I'm sure I have some idea. But look, I just wanna make sure he's not some shady character, who's up to no good."

"Dude, I told you, he's working." I replied.

"I'm serious. I wanna meet him." Scott insisted.

"Well, thanks for that, but I'm a big boy and I won't let you bully me into some weird face to face meeting." I smiled. "Besides, I don't recall you being this concerned about all the women that your wife keeps setting me up with."

"Fair enough, but those are all Julia's friends. My wife's bunch of horny, wanna-be debutants, how much damage could they do?" He laughed. "Wait a minute, don't answer that."

We both laughed.

"Anyway, I'm not trying to set you up."

"Whatever."

"Oh, wait dude," Scott paused, remembering something, "and by the way, I know you slept with more than one of them or does your memory fail you? I know you're getting older but did you forgot to share?"

"So, I forgot to tell you."

"Yeah right", he nodded. "Its okay, given the newness of our sharing policy, I can find a way to forgive your transgression, but don't forget our pact! And in the interest of sharing, I've got a lot to share.

"Anyway, from what I understand", He leaned forward in a confidential manner, "you're quite the talented uh..., I believe, 'lover' was the term they used."

"What? How the hell do you know all that?" I complained.

"You know women can't keep any secrets." He quipped.

"Apparently." I grumbled.

"There was even talk of size." He whispered conspiratorially. "You know, girth and length. You should be very proud. There're all very impressed."

"Oh, for Pete's sake." I sighed, dropping my head. I was beyond embarrassed.

Scott seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, grinning like an idiot.

"At any rate, my house seems to be their sacred gabbing ground. And well, you overhear things, you know?" Scott shrugged. "Why do you think I spend so much time away from there?"

"You don't seem to have missed very much."

"Well, in this case, they were discussing you, so, I was obligated to 'accidentally overhear' what they were saying about my buddy. Its my duty to keep you up to speed right?"

"Yes, that's very altruistic of you."

"Of course, and you're being very uncooperative this weekend." Scott sighed, resignedly. "Cut it out!"

"Sorry."

"Alright, here's a question, why'd you chose the oldest of them to pork? I don't quite get that." Scott asked, shaking his head, looking mystified.

"First of all, pork is not a verb, you jackass. Second, I guess its because they're nicer to me. More appreciative." I shrugged. "And by the way, early thirties is not old."

"Yeah, early thirties, that's hilarious." He laughing and still shaking his head. "You are some piece of work."

We sat quietly staring at the fire and drinking for a while. Save for the sounds of the various gases being emitted, primarily by Scott, it was pretty quiet and peaceful. I glanced over and found him watching me and smiling.

"What?" I flinched defensively.

"Look, obviously you don't feel comfortable enough yet to discuss this whole thing with you and Nick. And I get that, believe me, I do. I've been there.

"And knowing how tight lipped you are, you probably don't discuss it with anyone at all. I'm just saying, I'm here for you man, seriously. If you want."

"Alright, dial it down a notch Oprah, you've made your point and now you're about to make me puke." I said.