What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02

Scott busted out laughing. We both lost it.

"Jeez, I'm not in some fragile mental state, its just a guy, for crying out loud." I chuckled.

"Alright, fair enough." Scott smiled. "Seriously though, you know what I'm saying though, right?"

"Yeah, I appreciate it."

"So listen, why don't you bring him along to the softball game next week? We'll grab a beer after, cool?"

"We'll see."

"Okay, so let me ask you this", Scott inquired, "What do you guys do in that awkward moment after sex? You know, when you don't quite know what to say to each other?"

"We go to sleep and don't worry about it, like normal guys." I said.

"Fuck!" Scott exclaimed. "That's brilliant."

I went into my tent and went to sleep.

---

When I got home early Sunday morning, I noticed Jason's car in the drive, but I didn't see him when I got inside.

Once inside I turned my attention the mail on the table. Then, I heard the door open behind me. Turning around, I was astonished by the sight that beheld. It was Nick, but it didn't look like the Nick that I'd left here on Friday.

The first thing I noticed was that he'd gotten his hair cut really short.

His normally thick, wavy, black locks had been buzzed down to a military style cut. Very closely tapered on the sides and only a little bit longer on top, just like mine.

This new haircut brought his deep penetrating eyes into sharp focus. I had an immediate flashback to my Marine Corps boot camp days. It was a little scary. He looked exactly like one of my drill instructors. His ever-present five o'clock shadow only enhanced his allure. He was devastatingly handsome.

As my eyes roved over him, I noticed that he was wearing a pair of black leather motorcycle chaps over his well worn Levis and a tight fitting black t-shirt. I was awestruck.

Nick just stood there staring at me, probably because I was just staring at him. Then he smiled.

"Wow!" I muttered, without thinking. "You look fucking great!"

"Thanks." He smiled. "I missed you too."

Even the dulcet tone of his deep voice seemed to stoke my lust. My dick twitched and forced its way forward.

Involuntarily, I drew in the longest breath that I can ever remember. I felt absolutely crazed with lust. I needed to mount something immediately. Preferably Nick.

In the blink of an eye, I closed the distance between us. I stood face to face, nose to nose with him, just breathing hard and staring.

My heart thumped wildly in my chest. I didn't put my hands on him, I just wanted to be close to him.

Smiling, Nick lay his motorcycle helmet and keys down on the table then turned back to me.

"Boy, you really did miss me didn't you?" He asked, searching my eyes and wrapping his hands around my waist. My dick bounced and swelled even more.

"I did." I nodded once.

We embraced and kissed like strangers in the alley behind the bar after last call.

His strong hands groping my butt as my fingers dug into the hard muscles of his shoulders and back. I ran my hand up the back of his neck and then up and over the newly acquired stubble of his head.

As our tongues became reacquainted I could felt my hips begin to grind into him.

Suddenly there was a noise out on the deck. Looking in the direction of the sliding doors that lead to deck, I noticed that the door was slightly ajar.

"Did you leave that open?" I asked.

"Nope." Nick answered.

Quietly, I walked over and peered through the sliding glass doors. There was Jason, naked as the day he was born, sunning himself on one of the chaise lounges.

I stormed out onto the deck.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Oh dude, you're back." He said peering up at me. "Just getting some sun. Look, no tan lines see?"

"You little bastard, I ought to throw your fucking ass over that railing!"

Since my deck is on the second story above a concrete landing, the fall could potentially be fatal for him.

"I was just getting some sun."

"Get your ass dressed!" I snarled, walking back inside.

Ever since the unpleasantness with Jorge, my ex, I'd been keeping a very close eye on Jason. Sure, I had forgiven him for sleeping with Jorge but this current transgression certainly wasn't working him back into my good graces.

As soon as Jason stepped through the sliding glass door, I cuffed him in the back of the head, hard.

"Dude, what the fuck?" He yelled, flinching.

I had forgotten that Nick was still in the room.

"Whoa, I'm just gonna, um, go in there." Nick said, heading off toward the bedroom.

"Why'd you do that?" Jason whined, still rubbing his head.

"Why?" I asked, incredulously. "I'm gone for two day and you're lying around here bare-assed naked, knowing full well that Nick is living here. You are unbelievable!"

"Dude, I was just trying to get some sun."

"Save it!" I barked. "You want a fucking tan, lay out on your own damn balcony or go to a salon."

I was very close to whacking him across the mouth, but I was able to control that impulse.

I composed myself and resisted my rage.

"You know there was a time when I wouldn't have thought you capable of having any ulterior motives, at least not with me.

"There was a time when I trusted you implicitly. But you fucked that up, didn't you?" I shouted.

"Ah man, not that again." He rolled his eyes. "You guys were broken up for weeks before anything happened between us."

"Oh yeah? Then why didn't you tell me about it? Why'd you have to sneak around behind my back like a spineless little bitch?"

"Oh, so now I gotta get your permission before I fuck somebody?"

This time the impulse struck before I had time to think. I backhanded him right in the eye. It was so quick that it stunned us both.

He stumbled off balance for a moment then lunged at me clumsily. I simply reached out with one hand and grabbed him around the throat, pushing him back until he slammed against the wall.

Physically, we're about the same height, but I work out regularly and clearly I'm quite a bit stronger than him, so it was easy enough to hold him pinned there. He could only clutch at my hand and struggle as I considered tightening my grip.

"No, you don't need my fucking permission!" I growled in his face.

"Uh, Craig..." Nick said from somewhere behind me.

"What!" I barked, through clenched teeth.

"Um, I don't think he can breathe."

Of course, Nick was right. I hadn't realized that my grip had tightened and Jason's face was beet red. Tears were bleeding down his cheeks.

I let him go and he slid down the wall to the floor, alternately coughing and gasping for air. I wanted to kick him, but I didn't.

"Get out." I said, maintaining what I thought was a remarkable amount of restraint and control.

I wanted more than anything to pound his face into the carpet. I wanted desperately to beat the living hell out of him, but I didn't. I just turned and walked quietly into my bedroom.

I sat on the edge of my bed, head down, staring at the floor. I was still all wound up with rage and violent anger.

This is precisely why I have to work carefully to keep myself under control because I never know when to stop. Anger has a way of consuming me. And when I finally do stop, I still have a difficult time assuaging my fury.

After Jason left, Nick came in and stood beside me. He put his hand on the back of my head and stroked it a bit.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No." I snapped.

Nick sat down on the bed beside me. He was quiet.

He waited a long time before he spoke again.

"Do you want to be alone?" He asked.

"What is it with people?" I asked. "Why do they always take your kindness for weakness?"

"I don't know man." He said, massaging the back of my neck. "Not everyone's like that. It'll be alright."

"Yeah, I know." I said, feeling a little better.

We were quiet again. One of Nick's best qualities is that he listens well and when there's nothing to be said he knows how to be quiet.

After a while, I noticed a seriously bad odor.

"Whew, I reek." I said, suddenly realizing it. "I still stink of campfire smoke and ... whatever else that is. I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Yeah, I didn't wanna say anything." Nick smiled, pinching his nose and chuckling. "I didn't wanna get beat down, too."

"Very funny." I said, standing up to undress. "Whoa, it just occurred to me. You let you me kiss and slobber all over you smelling like this?"

"There isn't much I wouldn't do for you." Nick smiled and shrugged.

And there it goes again. Another chink in the armor of my resolve. Nick has a way of producing that funny little fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It makes me want to immediately grab him and tell him that I love him. But I don't. That just not my way.

Instead, I countered with a stupid question.

"So what's with the new look?" I asked.

"What?" He appeared confused at first, then, "Oh, the haircut?"

"Yeah, the haircut, the facial hair, the chaps..." I said. "You got a whole super stud thing going on there."

"Ah right, the haircut was more of an accident than anything. The girl actually made a mistake, then she freaked out a little bit. So I told her to just go ahead and take it all off."

"And the five o'clock shadow?"

"Well, I only shave when you're in town. And the chaps are just chaps, I don't know." He shrugged, looking down.

I thought, "This guy is a wet dream come true", but I said, "Well, it looks damn good on you."

---

The company softball game was going quite well. Playing third base, I caught a pop fly and hit two balls out of the park. I was fast becoming something of a legend.

"So is Nick coming or not?" Scott asked while I was on deck, waiting to bat.

"Give it a rest, dude."

Around the middle of sixth inning Nick showed up and Scott immediately subbed him in for some guy who hadn't got a hit the whole game.

That was when my own game started to go to hell. I struck out, then popped up. I think I was trying too hard to impress Nick.

Despite my lackluster performance near the end, we won the game and both teams headed off to the bar for drinks.

At the bar, Scott chatted up Nick like he was trying to land him. I think he was trying a little too hard as well. Actually they got along a lot better than I'd hoped. I was glad.

"So Nick, where're you from?" Scott asked.

"Originally, Santa Barbara." He answered. "My place here recently burned down. Craig's letting me crash with him for a while."

"That's our Craig." Scott said, ruffling my hair. "Such a nice guy, isn't he?"

I frowned a little, pushing his hand away, while they continued to talk and joke around. Nick's skill as a conversationalist is first rate. He's quick witted, sharp and has an amazing sense of humor.

I noticed a guy from the game, sitting a few seats down the table, looking at me. He gave me a brief smile before looking away. I also recognized him from Scott's office.

"You've got to come on our next camping trip." Scott told Nick. "We'll work it around your schedule, cool?"

"Sure, sounds like fun." Nick replied.

The guy who kept making eye contact with me moved to our end of the table, sitting next to Scott and across from Nick.

"Hey guys." He said as he joined us.

"Hey there Declan, how's it going?" Scott said.

"Not bad, not bad." He said. "You guys played some good ball out there today."

"Thanks." We both said.

"Are you new?" Declan asked, looking at Nick.

"Oh, no Nick's a friend." Scott interrupted. "I was counting on that incompetent idiot Jeff. But you can see how well he played."

Nick blushed visibly. His eyes fled to mine and then back to Scott's.

"I swear, that boy can't hit for shit and he runs like an old woman. We gotta stop telling him when we're playing." Scott grumbled.

"Well, thanks for letting me play." Nick uttered.

"Hey, if you want, you can have Jeff's spot on the team permanently, Nick. Hell, if you know anything about programming, you can have his job too."

We all laughed.

"I don't know about that." Nick smiled warmly.

Meanwhile, Declan kept up his little game of eyes with me but very subtlety, so as not be obvious.

"I gotta hit the pisser. Be right back." I announced.

Just as I was about done at the urinal, I heard the door to bathroom open. Somehow, I had a feeling that he would follow me in here. He didn't say a word as he stepped up the urinal next to me. He just pulled out his semi-hard dick and turned his head in my direction.

I glanced over at him to see him staring directly at me, then down at his rather thick and hardening cock. He stroked it a couple of times but never started to piss.

"You wanna get together sometime?" Declan asked.

I just stared at him. I was done pissing and I knew I should just zip up leave, but I didn't. I just stood there, looking at him stupidly.

Suddenly, he grasped me by the elbow and pulled me into a stall with him. We locked lips immediately. He put his hand into my open fly searching for my hard cock. It was hard alright and waiting for his touch.

Declan was taller and much younger than me so it was felt wildly exotic making out with him. His piercing blue eyes never closed as his tongue delved into my mouth. His large hand was very hot and insistent on my cock.

"Someone's gonna catch us in here." I said, pulling away. "I gotta go."

Fixing myself up, I squeezed out of the stall and went to the sink to wash my hands.

Once again the bathroom door opened, this time it was Nick. He glanced at me in the mirror and walked on in. He passed Declan who actually winked at me as he walked out of the bathroom.

There was no way of telling if Nick suspected any monkey business, so I lingered at the sink waiting for him to finish. After he flushed he didn't even stop at the sink, he went straight out. Fuck!

When I got back to the table, Declan was just putting down two more pitchers of beer.

"Alright guys, I had fun today, but I gotta get going?" Nick said, shaking hands with Scott.

"Alright Nick, good meeting you and don't forget about camping." Scott smiled warmly.

"Later." Declan nodded.

Nick patted Scott on the shoulder, ignoring Declan completely as he turned to go.

"I'm gonna get going too." I said. "Later guys."

I caught up to Nick at the door and kept pace with him. Once outside, he split off without a word, heading toward his motorcycle.

"See you at home." I offered.

He turned, looking at me blankly and unemotionally. He just put his helmet on without a word. It was clear that he was pissed.

---

I got home just in time to see Nick coming out of the garage and heading up the stairs and into the house. I didn't bother with the garage, I just parked on the drive and sat for a moment to gather my thoughts.

When I went inside, I sat down behind my desk. Neither of us said anything to each other.

Eventually, Nick went into the bathroom to take a shower without so much as glancing in my direction.

I just sat there feeling guilty and awkward. This is precisely why I didn't want to get this close to anybody. I wanna to be able to do what I want, when I want and with whomever I want, without feeling guilty about it. I'm a grown fucking man, for Pete's sake!

All my life I've been empathetic to the feelings of others. Maybe that's just who I am. Hell, I hate to think of the alternative. Its not easy to be cold and hard, or even devious. I've tried it, its doesn't work for me.

Hell, even my lame ass defense mechanism seemed to be failing me just now. There was no real excuse for my behavior and I knew it. I made a choice. But I also made a choice when I asked Nick into my life.

After his shower, he came back out wearing only a pair of boxer briefs, which struck me as odd, since normally he wears full cut boxers just like me. Bare-chested and barefoot, he looked for all the world like an underwear model. Damp hair, muscles rippling, chest and stomach hair slicked to his torso. Very tasty.

He went over behind the bar and poured himself a drink while I watched surreptitiously. Still, he didn't glance back at me. His face was expressionless and seemed utterly devoid of animosity or attitude.

With drink in hand, he went and sat in my favorite recliner. Using the remote, he clicked on the television and sat quietly watching the Sports Center.

The silence between us was driving me crazy. Yet, there are many times when I'm working at my desk or on my computer and neither of us will make a sound for hours. I find that to be one of his best qualities. That he can be comfortable with me in complete silence and not feel the need to fill the space with nonsense chatter.

But this was different. And I was nervous. Not paranoid. Paranoid is when I'm not sure I've been caught. But I was clear on that matter.

Looking at him sitting there nearly naked, his face utterly impassive, I gave in.

"Time to get this over with." I thought, as I got up and walked over to the sofa. I sat on the end nearest the recliner and just stared at him.

"I feel guilty." I said.

He muted the already low volume.

"About what?" He asked looking directly at me.

"That Declan guy asked me if I wanted to get together with him sometime."

"I'm sure people ask you out all the time. Have you seen you? You're a great looking guy. Why should that make you feel guilty?"

Nick's attitude and question took me by surprise. I didn't let it show, I just moved right along. I took a deep breath and pressed forward.

"I told him no. That I couldn't."

Nick sipped his drink and shifted a little in his seat. Then he cleared his throat before speaking.

"So, you feel guilty because he asked or because you wanted to?"

"I don't know, both I suppose."

Nick seemed to consider this answer for a moment before speaking again.

"Yeah, he is a good looking guy."

Another sip from his drink and another long pause.

I tried to read Nick's body language as best I could, but there was just no way to be objective, looking at his nearly naked body while his muscles flexed with every movement and all the subtle little ways he has of just being Nick, its impossible not be distracted. I couldn't read him. And his face said nothing.

"Let me tell you where I am on that." He said, staring intently at me.

Shit, I got really nervous then.

"I like you." He said looking a bit too sad. "I like you a lot and I want you to be happy because that's what makes me happy.

"But dude, your life is yours to live, you've got to live it the way you want. Don't let me be the cause of any guilt or discomfort in your life."

He didn't even blink. Then without hesitation as if he was completely sure of himself he continued. His brow furrowing in a way too mature manner that distressed me.

"That kind of thing only breeds frustration and resentment. I don't think either of us wants that."

I felt my stomach drop to the floor. Its over I thought. This is, so not where I was hoping the conversation would go.

"If it would make you happy to be with someone else, you should go for it. I see the way people look at you. Dude, you're a stud and you're a nice guy. And like I said before, I want you to be happy."

So this was it? I was fired? I felt really feverish and more than a little panicked.

Obviously, I didn't want to lose Nick. But at the same time, I was trying desperately to pull off that impassive mask that I'd seen so often on his own face. But in truth, I was only hanging on to my composure by a very loose thread.

Before I got all weepy eyed, I took a moment and looked away from him in hopes of staving off an emotional eruption. I didn't think this was the time for weakness. I needed every bit of my resolve not to appear a whiny little boy. I had to try to think of a way to fix this. I was wavering desperately on a precarious precipice.

Nick had seemed to throw me a tentative life line and I felt like if I didn't give the right answer, his only choice would be to let me drop.