What Was I Thinking? Ch. 01

Finally, I collapsed onto Nick's back, still buried as far into him as I could get. I was exhausted but still I wanted more. When I finally disengaged from his butt, I was spent but still greedy for more Nick.

I turned him around and kissed him passionately in an effort to show my profound appreciation and growing affection for him. Nick reciprocated in kind.

Holding him close I just stared into his beautiful, drowsy looking eyes, resisting the overwhelming urge to say what I was feeling for him at the moment. So I said nothing, just pulled him close in a tight embrace.

I'm fully aware that orgasm is a chemical trap. I tend to say and do things that feel right at the moment because of the endorphins released into my system during sex. So I've learned to just hold my tongue until the tide of emotion has receded before I say anything. But at that moment all could think was how much I loved and appreciated him.

Due to my slight claustrophobia I had no desire to spend the night in Nick's new but very confined sleeping quarters, so I suggested that we go out to dinner. Afterward I would suggest that we back to my house.

On our way out to my Jeep, I saw the trailer park manager watching us from a distance. He gave me a little smirk as though he didn't like me very much. I shot him a wink and an insincere little smile.

"See you later." He yelled in Nick's direction.

"I think someone has a little crush on you." I said as we drove off.

"Yeah, I know." He chuckled. "You don't hide it very well."

"Not me, you jackass. I meant that guy." I said indicating to the little queen waving at us.

"I was just kidding, I knew what you meant." Nick laughed. How do you think I got the place so fast and cheaply."

"You're kind of a slut, aren't you?" I chuckled.

"A little bit, yeah." He smiled.

---

When we got back to my place, the phone rang immediately.

"Hello?"

"Hey Craig, busy?"

It was Marc. I hadn't heard from him in a while and was kind of taken aback when I heard his voice. I'd had a sex dream about him the other night where he kept try to get me to take his shirt off.

"Sort of, yeah." I answered.

"Well, you want to get together soon?"

"No, I don't think so." I said, feeling a little weird with Nick sitting there in my recliner, clearly within earshot but not looking at me.

"Well, when's a good time for you?" Marc asked.

"Look, I'll have to get back to you, okay?"

After I hung up, I glanced at Nick sitting there, he looked up just in time to catch my eye.

"Everything alright?" Nick asked.

"No, not really." I answered. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

I explained all about Marc and the little arrangement that we had. I'm not sure why I told him or what I even expected him to say.

He was quiet for a moment, seemingly pondering what I'd just told him.

"So, its just sex, right?" Nick said after a moment.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Okay." He shrugged.

"I was just about to tell him that our little arrangement was off, but I didn't want to start that whole conversation with you sitting right here, you know?"

"What, because of me?" Nick asked. "Dude, its cool. Don't rearrange your life on my account."

He seemed completely sincere, without the slightest trace of sarcasm or animosity.

"Listen, we're buds right? I like the way things are." He said. "If we start imposing sanctions and conditions on each other, its just going to make things weird between us. I don't want that, do you?"

"Yeah. No, of course not." I answered, a little confused.

"Good." He smiled.

Nick went out and downstairs to the ground floor. The ground floor of my house is only accessible by the outside stairs. The entire ground floor separated by a large sliding door. The front part is the garage and behind that is a finished area that serves as the basement. Its mainly a storage area with a washer and dryer, along with a lot of free weights and exercise machines.

After a while I followed him down there and found him working out. I just stood there for a moment watching him. He was using the squat rack. It was very erotic.

"So that's how you keep your ass looking so hot." I said.

"No, that's just a bonus. I do this to keep my legs from looking so scrawny."

"Your legs don't look scrawny to me."

"Good. Its all worth it then, isn't it?" Nick smiled.

Sitting there on the bench staring at him, Nick's ass looked so sweet, I couldn't take my eyes off it.

---

The next day, while I was rummaging through some files at my desk and talking to Nick, he noticed a folder with some of my stories in it laying on my desk.

"What's this?" He asked, picking up the folder.

"Just some stuff I've been writing."

"I didn't know you were a writer."

"I'm not, I've only had one book published. And that stuff there isn't really publishable material. Very risqu^®"

"Oh porn, huh? Let me see." He said, taking the folder and all it contents.

"Yeah, there's a website called 'The Nifty Archive' where you can post that kind of stuff. They were kind enough to accept those stories you have there."

Nick sat quietly in my recliner for the next few hours reading them. He didn't utter a word or make a sound for hours. I started to feel a little creepy and self conscious.

Most of those stories are very revealing and deeply personal. I started to regret letting him read them. Posting it on the internet, where I can remain anonymous is one thing, but this felt too weird.

After what seemed like an eternity Nick looked up at me.

"You posted these on the internet?" He asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"No reason." He shrugged. "They're pretty good."

"Thanks." I said, trying not to look directly at him.

Then, another long silence.

"You're still in love with him aren't you?"

"Who?" I asked, knowing very well who he was referring to.

"Jorge, of course."

I didn't answer right away.

"Yeah, I suppose, in a way." I said. "But that's in the past. All over and done."

"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?" Nick laughed.

"Most of that stuff is just made up anyway. You know, embellishments for better story telling."

"Not the stuff about Jorge." He said knowingly. "And certainly not this one here, called 'Missed Opportunity'. Its not hard to tell the difference."

Nick was staring at me with those sleepy looking eyes, as if he was trying to piece together a puzzle or find the solution to some sort of problem.

After a few seconds he got up and brought the folder over to my desk and put it down. Then, he just stood there looking down at me with his head cocked a little to the side, sort of examining my face.

"What?" I asked, sounding a little more annoyed than I actually was.

He didn't say a word. He just smiled and leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. Then he went out onto the deck.

Neither of us said much to the other for the rest of the day. Nick just sort carried around this preoccupied looked on his face. Later that night in bed he began to speak.

"I'm glad I met you." He said quietly.

I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I was quiet. Then he went on.

"You know, when you and Jorge first started coming into the bar I had this little fantasy in my head where you and I got together. It was really hot, but only because I was so sure that it wouldn't happen.

"There was no way I or anyone else could tell that you might be into it. And it certainly never once crossed my mind that you and he might be his boyfriend.

"He was a cool enough guy and good looking too. But there was just something about you. At first I thought you were an asshole, kind of aloof, like maybe you thought a little too highly of yourself.

"I mean, it was virtually impossible to engage you in any sort of small talk when he'd go off to the rest room or whatever."

"So you were trying to chat me up, huh?" I smiled.

"Yeah, I guess I was, but you weren't having any of it."

"Sometimes it takes me a while to warm up people."

"Then when you started coming in by yourself, you were like a completely different guy, you know? But now I get it. After reading your stories, I totally get it."

"You do, huh?"

"Yeah, whether you know it or not, there's some pretty revealing stuff in there." Nick said.

"Perhaps." I said. "Or maybe I've just got a good imagination."

"That's cool too, but its gotta come from somewhere." Nick said. "So, that's why I'm glad I met you. You're a decent guy, kind of a perv, but decent."

"Thanks. I think."

---

I awoke to sound of the ringing phone. Who the hell could that be this early on a Saturday morning. It was Andrew calling from back east.

"Hey Champ, how's it going?"

"Good, real good." I yawned into the phone.

We talked for a while, catching up.

"So listen, I'll be in town one day next week, Tuesday I think, and I'd like to have lunch with you and Jason while I'm there."

"You're only gonna be here for the day?"

"Not even that long. I have to fly up to San Francisco right after my meeting."

"Alright, cool. Well, I'll be looking forward it."

"So, if you can track Jason down, let him know, will you? I've left him two messages already. I see that kid is still not good at returning calls.

"Oh yeah, no problem. I'll make sure he knows."

In fact, I hadn't heard from Jason in more than a week. Typically, he's either at my house or calling almost daily. So I called him, no answer, just the machine.

By the time I got off the phone Nick was in the shower. I got up and had some coffee.

When he came out with only a towel, I got hard immediately. It was poking out through the fly in my boxers.

"No time for that." He smiled. "Get dressed, we're going down to the marina. A friend of mine is taking his boat today, let's go."

"Alright, but we have to make a quick stop in Santa Monica first. I gotta see what's up with Jason."

Pulling into the parking lot of his apartment, I noticed a Range Rover that I was sure I recognized. A nagging suspicion started to creep up my spine.

As we entered the building I started to ring the buzzer but then thought better of it. I'd just let myself in with the key that Jason had given me.

On the way up in the elevator I felt my temper starting to flare. I was pretty sure what I'd find when I got up there, which was why I had opted not to ring the buzzer on the way in.

"What's up dude? You look worried."

"I don't yet. Maybe nothing."

Nick was close on my heels as I approached Jason's door. Unlocking the door and walking into apartment I didn't see anyone at first. Then, my worst suspicion was confirmed.

There stood Jorge, pulling on his shirt, looking very surprised. His hair a little longer than I remembered. I only noticed because it was still wet. I could heard the shower running in the bathroom.

Jorge and I just stood there staring at each other. I could hardly believe it. He had seemingly vanished from the face of the earth for the last six months and now I find him here. Unbelievable.

Finally, Nick cleared his throat audibly from somewhere behind me breaking the silence.

"How's it going?" Jorge said, now perfectly composed and cordial as is his general habit.

I couldn't think of what to say, I was so pissed. I felt hot, angry, humiliated. My head felt thick and there was a thin buzzing in my ears which were starting to burn now.

"Not bad." Nick said, suddenly right by my side. "Jason around?"

"He'll be out in a minute, I think." Jorge said, never taking his eyes from mine.

My jaw clenched tight and I felt an intense rage wash over me as I took a step forward. All I could see was my fist smashing into his face, pummeling it until I just couldn't anymore. Then my hands around his throat, choking the life out of him. This wasn't going to end well, for any of us. Just then I felt Nick's grip on my upper arm.

"Alright, well tell him we just stopped by to see if he wanted to go down to the marina. Perhaps another time, eh." Nick said, gripping my arm tighter, preventing me from moving any closer to Jorge.

Faster than I could think, Nick was ushering me back toward the door and out into the hall. Before I knew it we were back in the parking lot.

"Give me the keys." Nick demanded.

By the time we got to the marina I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I just felt really numb and stupid.

"What the fuck just happened?"

"Man, I just thought I should get you out of there." Nick said. "That look on your face, well it was kinda scary. Like you snapped or something. Hell, I'm still a little scared of you."

"No, I mean what the fuck was he doing there? I thought he hated Jason. We broke up because of Jason."

"Dude, I don't know, man."

We sat there in the Jeep for a little while longer.

"Come on dude, this'll be fun." Nick said getting out of the Jeep. "We'll have a really good time today."

I only vaguely noticed that the boat Nick had mentioned turned out to be a fairly huge yacht.

"Hey, hey. Where's the bar?" Nick said to his friend, who's name I didn't catch. "We could use a drink."

My mood lightened a little as my buzz set in. And there were quite a few people on board, so no one really noticed my sullen mood, except Nick. I felt him watching me constantly. I got pretty hammered and fortunately I've never been an angry drunk, so everything was cool.

It was pretty late when we got back to my house. However, I wasn't at all surprised to find Jason there when we walked in.

"I'm going to bed." Nick said, eyeing me closely. "You gonna be alright?"

"Sure."

Nick went into my room and closed the door. I sat down behind my desk and just sort of glared at Jason.

"Dude, I'm sorry." He said. "I don't know what else to say."

I didn't say anything. Just looked at him. I wanted to choose my words carefully, so as to inflict the maximum amount of pain. But I didn't have the energy for all that. Besides, my anger had waned into something like apathy.

"What the fuck dude?" I asked. "Why?"

"I don't know man. I just ran into him one day and it just kinda happened."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You sound like some kinda fucking soap opera."

I just shook my head. I would've laughed if the situation hadn't been so sadly pathetic.

"You know the worst part is that you betrayed me, my trust." I said. "I don't care that you fucked him, you can't really help who you're attracted to. But you kept it from me. And you kept it from me because you knew what you were doing was wrong. You humiliated me. You made me feel like a fool."

"I'm sorry." Jason apologized, looking sadder than I think I've ever seen him.

"Me too."

There was a long silence.

"So what, are we enemies now?" He asked.

"No, we're just not friends anymore."

Now he just stared at me, slack jawed. He actually started to get all misty eyed which just made me want to punch his skull in.

"I think you better go now." I said, getting up and heading toward my bedroom. "Oh and call your father, he's been trying to reach you."

Nick was still awake when I climbed into bed next to him.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yep."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Nope, not really."

I felt like shit and I wanted to beat the hell out of somebody or something. But then Nick curled up behind me, put his arms around me and began to stroke my head. Soon the tension started to subside and for once, I think I fell asleep before he did.

---

On Monday morning, I woke early as usual and Nick slept late. When the buzzer rang I went down to find Scott waiting at the front gate.

"So what's the deal, Craig?" Scott said as I let him in and ushered him up the stairs. "I've left you two messages and you haven't bothered to get back to me."

"Sorry man, I've been a little busy."

"Are you working on a new project?"

"Well, sort of." I answered.

After offering him some coffee, I sat down at behind my desk.

"So listen, how much do you know about the Linux operating system?" Scott asked. "Because we've got a new project coming up and I could use your help."

Before I could answer, the door to the bathroom swung open and out walked Nick, fully dress, wearing his jeans and one of my Berkeley sweatshirts. I had forgotten that he was here.

My breath caught in my chest as my eyes darted across the room and focused on him, which of course made Scott turn and look to see what I was staring at.

He took a few tentative steps into the room before noticing Scott and I.

"Hey, how's it going?" Nick nodded.

"Hi." Scott nodded back, slowly returning his gaze to me.

Dumbfounded, my eyes shifted back and forth between Scott and Nick.

"Thanks for the use of the facilities Craig. I've got to get going." Nick said.

"Oh, Scott this is Nick." I introduced them. "Nick, Scott."

I felt like I'd just been caught doing something wrong. I'm pretty sure I was acting like it too.

"Nice to meet you." Scott said.

"Same here." Nick smiled.

"Okay, gotta run. Thanks again Craig." Nick said.

"Alright, catch you later." I said to Nick as he headed out the door.

The awkwardness of the moment seemed to linger or perhaps it was just me, but the way Scott was staring at me, not saying anything made it worse.

"You were saying?" I said, clearing my throat. "About the Linux project."

Scott stared for a moment longer, blinking rapidly with a slack jawed look on his face.

"Oh, yeah, right, the project." He said, snapping out of his stupor. "So, you interested?"

"Sure, sounds like fun." I said.

Almost immediately after Scott left, the phone rings and its Marc wanting to get together.

"Listen Marc. I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, I don't think we should see each other at all anymore." I told him.

"Whoa, whoa, where's all this coming from Craig? Why don't we just talk about it? I'm right near your place anyway."

"I don't think so, Marc."

"Come on, Craig, I'm pulling into your drive as we speak." Marc said. "Let's at least talk, alright?"

Before I knew what was happening, Marc was bent over the sofa and I was drilling his ass, hard. It was over in just a few minutes and he was on his way out the door, happy as a clam and fully satisfied that he'd gotten what he came for. And I was left feeling extremely guilty. What was I thinking?

---

Nick didn't return until later the next day and he didn't seem quite himself.

"My dad's not well." He said. "I've got to go up to Santa Barbara and see about him."

"That sucks man, is there anything I can do?" I asked sympathetically.

"No, not really. I just have to go up and see what's going on with him."

"Well, what's wrong with him?"

"I'm not sure, I only spoke briefly with his girlfriend." He replied. "She didn't give any details, just relayed messages."

"You want me to come with?"

"No, that's not necessary. I don't plan to be there very long." Nick said. "We don't really get along very well."

"Okay, well. When are you going?"

"Right now. I just wanted to tell you that I was going." Nick said.

"Well, alright." I said. "But listen, I want you to call me if you need anything or whatever. Hell, call me anyway and let me know how things are going, okay?"

"Okay, I'll call you when I get there." Nick said, turning to go.

I stopped him and hugged him briefly before he went out the door. I wanted to say something else, but there was nothing else to say. I can be such a sap at times.

In the meantime I started on the new project with Scott, but not even that was enough to keep me from constantly thinking about Nick and how he was doing. He had called when he got to his father's house, but that was days ago. I haven't heard a word since then.

With the project well under way, I started going back into the office at Scott's company. I needed the distraction. Over lunch Scott and I discussed work and possible plans for our next camping trip. And even though the rafting had gone well, we decided not to do that on our next trip.