Choices: Someone to Watch Over Me

After the children settled down and I'd supplied everyone with cold drinks. Katherine asked me if we could have a word in private. She said Frank would look after the girls. Actually by the time I'd come out with the cold drinks Frank was already in the pool with them. He must have been wearing his swimsuit under his sports trousers when he arrived.

I led Katherine into the lounge from where we could still see the children and Frank playing with them. Once we'd seated ourselves, Katherine opened the bag she was carrying and produced and envelop from it.

"Shirley asked me to wait six months after she ... anyway, she asked me to give it to you. She wrote a lot of it herself before ... Well, she was very bad towards the end as you well know and she found writing difficult. She dictated some of it to me."

Katherine held out the envelope, which I took from her and began to open.

"I'll go outside with the others whilst you read it. If you want to talk about anything you know I'm here for you."

I unfolded the pages of the letter, some of which were covered with Shirley's gradually deteriorating scrawl and others apparently in Katherine's neat hand.

Hi, lover boy,

How are you and our girls getting on without me? I know that when you read this I'll have been gone for six months. Well, that's how long I have asked Kathy to hang on to it before she gives it to you.

This is very hard for me to write; I'm not sure I even know what I want to say to you, or how to say it. Please forgive me if it doesn't sound right.

Roger, I feel guilty not only for leaving you, but also for marrying you in the first place, and bringing all my problems into your life. We'd only been dating a couple of weeks when the doctor gave me the news. It took me sometime to decide whether to tell you about it or not. I was frightened you'd stick by me because of some twisted sense of duty. You know you are that kind of man!

But I must tell you I loved you and I know you loved me for myself. When you encouraged me to have the girls, although you knew you were most likely going to have the job of raising them alone, I knew that it wasn't pity you felt for me but real love. I'm sorry I can never repay you for all that love that you have showed to me.

Roger, I have loved you more than any man I have ever known. I know that you do not believe there is an afterlife; but I hope one day you are proved wrong and we shall meet again.

There, that's the worst part over with. Now I must ask you to think of the rest of your life and my our girls' lives. I'm going to ask you to do me a big favour. I'm going to ask you to find another mother for our girls. They are going to need a mother around when they get older and you are going to need a companion for yourself.

Having met Katherine, I think I even know who the best candidate probably is and I think that in your heart, you know as well. Katherine has told me a lot about Mercedes and you and what happened between the two of you back then. From what Kathy has told me, I'm sure that Mercedes did and still does love you, but she was under that horrible girl's influence. I know it's not a nice thing to say, but in fact that did work out in my favour, even though I know it upset you at the time. They say that the Lord moves in strange ways.

Please think about finding Mercedes again. Show her the compassion and love that you've showed me in the last few years and hopefully she will love you and my girls as much as I do. Roger, I know that she loves you.

At this point the letter changed to Katherine's hand

Katherine and Frank have become good friends of mine since I've been in hospital this time. I've also gotten to know Estelle who came to see me the other day. Estelle loves you as well. God, you are a lucky man. All these people, whose lives you've touched, love you.

Kathy assures me that she is going to keep a friendly eye on you and our girls. You know that they haven't got any grandchildren yet and they assure me they will treat our girls as if they are their own grandchildren. Please allow them to do that whatever happens. Kathy's been a good friend to me during these long lonely nights.

Anyway if all goes well and you do as I hope you will do, Katherine and Frank will be the girls' real grandparents.

I've got nothing else I can think of to say to you, but thank you, Roger, for loving me and remember, if I can, I will always be watching over you and the girls from wherever I am.

Goodbye, my love, till we meet again.

Shirley

The signature, which had eight crosses scrawled under it - one for each year we'd been together, was in Shirley's shaky hand.

I sat and cried for I don't know how long before Katherine came back into the lounge with a cup of tea for me. I can only assume she'd been watching me read the letter through the lounge window.

I suddenly became aware that I couldn't hear the girls playing in the garden anymore. I must have looked around in panic.

"It's all right. Frank has taken them out in the car to get ice cream; it's plenty warm enough for them to be in their swimsuits today."

"Thanks, Katherine, you obviously know what Shirley says in this letter."

"Yes, but just because I do know, you don't have to do as Shirley suggests where Mercedes is concerned. The content of that letter is private between you and Shirley. They are no business of mine and my lips will always remain sealed as to that letter's content."

"Thank you, Kathy, but tell me, what do you think of Shirley's ideas?"

"I will try not advise you one way or the other, Roger, I am Mercedes' mother. My opinion would be biased and it is your decision to make. But I would think it's only fair to all concerned that you at least get to know Mercedes again before you make any decisions."

"Well, Dee might not want to marry me anymore. We've been apart for some years now."

"I'm trying my hardest not to influence you one way or the other, Roger, but I've got to tell you, yesterday Dee was saying how lovely your girls were and how she wished they were her own children and of course with all the consequences that come from that."

I must have looked confused because I couldn't understand what consequences Katherine was alluding too.

"Damn it, Roger, she was saying she wished she had married you when she had the chance. The girl is heartbroken whenever she sees you!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I understand you now. You know that I still have strong feelings for Dee. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. As a matter of fact I had to force myself to be angry with her, to almost hate her. I'm not sure I can put those feelings behind me now."

"Are you going to try?"

"Well, of course I am. It was Shirley's last request of me. I can never forget that. But I think I'm going to have to get to know Dee socially again before I can make any decisions. I'm going to need to know if the girls take to her, and how she takes to them, before any thoughts of a relationship between us can be contemplated."

"You're no fool, Roger. I can see that you've got your priorities right. The children must come first, of course. We need to get them together with Dee somehow and watch to see what if any kind of affinity builds between them."

"Yes, I've got to be careful they don't think someone is trying to replace Shirley in their affections. If that should happen, it would be a disaster, for everyone. I don't want to play with Dee's affections and then be forced to walk away again, because the children are unhappy. From what Estelle told me happened with Porticia before ... I couldn't do that to her again!"

Katherine leant towards me and kissed my forehead.

"Shirley really had you taped, didn't she? She said you were the most thoughtful person she had ever come across in her life."

I must have blushed with embarrassment then, because I suddenly felt very hot.

"Well, how are we going to get my girls together with Dee?" Trying to change the subject.

"They were saying something about the pool parties you used to have earlier and how they missed them. Why don't you have one in a couple of weeks' time? Dee is coming back down for a kind of family get-together once Estelle and Russell get back from their honeymoon. It was planned as a bridge building exercise. You know our family has gotten rather disjointed in the last few years.

"If you threw one of your pool parties, Frank and I could help with the cooking and such. Dee would come along without really knowing where we were going, until we got her here. I'm sure she wouldn't want to leave even if she were embarrassed by your presence. You would be busy with the rest of your guests, the girls said you normally have quite a few people here.

"Estelle and Russell, I know, will be playing with the children and keeping them amused; they love those two little girls. I'll get Estelle to get Dee playing with them as well and we can watch what kind of reaction they have to each other."

"Sounds like a reasonable idea to me. The girls have mentioned pool parties, a couple of times, but without having Shirley here ... well, she was the life and soul of any party we had right up until the end ..." I think my voice faded a little.

"I'm sure Shirley would think it's a wonderful idea. Remember, Roger, she did say she wanted you to find another mother for the girls."

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At a ridiculously early hour on the Saturday morning - for me anyway - two weeks later I awoke to hear my daughters talking to someone downstairs. After dragging myself out of bed, I found Estelle and Russell unloading all sorts of goodies out of their car.

It was then that I realised just how much effort Shirley had put into these pool do's as she had called them. They had brought along lots of things that I had overlooked; well, I had never had to think about them in the past.

Estelle was to tell me later that Katherine had been given a list of things that I'd forgotten by my girls when she called in the previous evening. I wondered why they hadn't pointed out my oversights to me. When I asked them they said that I was going to be too busy. The lawns needed to be mown before any of the guests arrived.

"Do as you're told, Roger, and don't ask questions." I thought, 'I told you Shirley had trained them, and me, well.'

Just after lunchtime some of the guys who worked for me began to turn up with their wives and girlfriends. As did some of the neighbours with their children.

Katherine and Frank arrived at about half one, with a very quiet Dee in tow. She looked embarrassed to see me at first but was soon playing with Estelle and the children in the pool. I think she was wearing one of Estelle's bathing suits; it looked kind of familiar.

I spent most of the day circulating, often with Russell as company. I think I heard the story of almost everyday of their honeymoon except for the private stuff. It's speculation but I don't think they got out of bed for the first two days. Well, Russell didn't mention those two days anyway. It's funny but sometimes it's what folks don't say that is the most telling.

Around nine in the evening, I thought it was about time the children went to bed. Russell gave me a nudge as Dee went up with Estelle to settle them down. Half an hour later when the two sisters came back down, I went up to kiss my girls goodnight.

"Is that really her, daddy?" My oldest asked me the moment I got into their bedroom.

"Who are you talking about?" I asked.

"Dee. Is she going to be our new mother?" the younger explained.

"Hold on. Where did you two get the idea that there is going to be a new mummy?"

"Don't be silly, Daddy, Mummy told us a long time ago that you'd find another mother for us."

"Oh, she did, did she? And what else did your mummy tell you that she didn't tell me?"

"She said that Estelle's sister would probably be our new mother and we were to help you catch her."

"Catch her? What did she mean by that?"

"Mummy said Dee got away the first time and if you got friendly with her again we should help you catch her."

"Oh, god, Shirley, you've really got me set-up, haven't you?"

"Sorry, daddy, I couldn't hear what you said?"

"Oh, nothing, girls. I was just offering a prayer to your mother. Now give me a kiss goodnight and we'll talk about things tomorrow."

"Is Dee coming over again? We like her."

"I don't know, baby, she might."

"Well, if she doesn't come over, can we go and visit her?"

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to admit that you are on a loosing wicket and throw the towel in. I figured that this was my time.

"Okay, girls, if Dee doesn't come to see us tomorrow, we will go and see her; now will you both please go to sleep?"

"Goodnight, Daddy." they said in unison. I'm damn sure I heard them giggle as I left the room.

When I got to the stairs, I halted and sat down on the top step. I could hear the party going on outside and someone doing something in the kitchen. For just a little while I needed some time alone, to think about what my girls had said to me.

"Bugger, don't talk rubbish, you bleeding idiot. You've got to think about everything; since Shirley passed on, you've been drifting along without much thought about anything." A little voice in my head seemed to say to me.

It was obvious to me that my girls liked Dee from the moment they saw her. I remembered the way they looked at her at Estelle's wedding. The question was did I like Dee anymore. What a bloody stupid arsed question that was to ask myself! Like her, I loved her; well, I did once, didn't I?

Although it was me who pushed Dee away, because I was not going to share her affections with Tish. Well, Tish wasn't in the equation anymore. But my girls were. Yeah, I think I could see myself sharing my girls with Dee. Hey, how did that question get turned around?

And if I think back, what was it that Shirley had said to me on more than one occasion? "Half of you is enough for me, Roger!" What did Shirley mean by that statement? Had I never given Shirley all my love? Had she known that there was a place in my heart that belonged to Dee? Damn, that woman could read me like a bleeding book.

Bugger, why does life have to be so bloody complicated? Wouldn't it be nice to be one of those people who see everything in black and white? I seemed to have so many different thoughts going on in my mind at the same time.

Right, Roger; let's think this out logically. Do you love Dee? Yes, I'm damn sure I do. Do the girls love Dee? Well, they've only just got to know her; they certainly appear to like her. That's to be expected; there isn't much to dislike about Dee. But they can't love her yet. They have only just met her, but they do appear to be prepared to accept Dee as a surrogate mother without question.

Or now does Dee like the girls? From what I saw of them together by the pool, she's really taken with them. No, I don't think that was an act; Dee's mind doesn't work that way. No, Dee was having a great time with my girls. I could see them bonding together very quickly.

Now the big one. Does Dee still love you? Well, there's only one way to find out the answer to that, you silly sod. Go and ask her.

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Back outside, most of the folks who were still there were sitting in a big circle on the patio by the pool. Russell was walking around keeping everybody's drinks topped up whilst Frank was still playing with the Bar-B-Q. Scrubbing it down I think. Frank was a more conscientious cook than I ever was.

As I approached the circle of chairs, Katherine got up and came towards me.

"Mercedes and Estelle are in the kitchen doing some of the washing up. I think this would be a good time for you have a talk with Mercedes alone, whilst she's got her hands in the sink. Don't worry, Estelle will make herself scarce when you get in there."

"Between you and my two girls, you're planning to get Dee and I married off a bit quick, aren't you?"

"Roger, I can assure you that none of us has said anything to Mercedes about you and her getting back together. But I'm afraid the girls were asking her some embarrassing questions earlier. We weren't expecting that."

"So I gather. I think Shirley had been making plans for a long time. I just wish she'd let me in on them. Tell me, Katherine, exactly how long did you know Shirley for; you didn't just meet her on her last stay in hospital, did you?"

"Well. No Roger, we met at the Cancer sufferers support group. Didn't you know?"

"No, Shirley never talked about what went on there. So she was cooking this reconciliation between Dee and me for some time then."

"To be honest, Roger, I don't really know. When she found out who I was, Shirley asked me about you and Dee; I told her the truth, as I saw it. But she did say to me more than once that, if you two got back together, she would not have to worry about you and the girls."

"Damn it, I know for sure now that Shirley knew me far better than I know myself."

"Woman's intuition, Roger. You chose a wonderful wife in Shirley. Now why don't you go and have a quiet word with Mercedes."

I went into the kitchen were Dee was washing whilst Estelle dried. I took the drying cloth from Estelle before Dee had realised I'd entered the room. For a few minutes, Dee carried on washing and placing things on the draining board and I took them to dry them.

Then she suddenly stopped what she was doing. She must have seen my arm taking the plate she'd just put down. She turned and looked at me.

"Long time since we've done this together, Dee," I said. Dee didn't reply; she just looked at me. I placed the plate in the rack and held out my hand for the next one. Dee passed me the dirty plate that she had been about to wash.

"Umm, shouldn't it go in the water first?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking," she said as she took the plate back and started to wash it.

"I would say you were thinking, but not about the washing up, Dee. Tell me what were you thinking."

"Do you really want to know?"

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know."

"I was thinking what a bloody idiot I am."

"And why is that?"

"Well, I had the chance of spending the rest of my life with you and I threw it away. How could I have been that stupid?"

"Maybe you weren't stupid, Dee. My wife Shirley was a believer, not that I've ever been. But she always did say The Lord moves in mysterious ways. Perhaps if he does exist, and I'm not saying he does, he had a job for me to do before we got married. Now I think that job is over and there's a job for you to do now."

"And what's that?"

"Well, there are two little girls upstairs who are missing a mother. They seem to be of the opinion that you are the chosen one."

Dee looked at me with a confused look in her eye.

"Let's put it this way. They had some nice new dresses they wore as Estelle's bridesmaids, and now they want to wear some more as your bridesmaids."

"Roger, are you asking me to marry you?"

"Well, no, I don't have to ask you that question. I asked you that question years ago; I'm still waiting for you to name the bloody day."

Wrong thing to say. Two plates got broken; the one Dee was washing when she dropped it as she almost fainted and the one I dropped as I went to catch Dee before she fell.

The sound of the plates breaking brought Katherine and Estelle into the kitchen from the hall, followed by two little tykes who should have been in bed. I got the nasty suspicion that they were all eavesdropping out there. And Frank came running in the back door from the garden.

The picture they were presented with was me, holding Dee in my arms. Katherine and Estelle started crying. My girls, who had big grins on their faces, couldn't understand why they were doing that. Nor could they understand why their daddy and Dee had started crying either.