by Bitch2003
Cut the first two paragraphs and the last. That drops the cliche introduction and starts you in the middle of the action. The last paragraph is a cling-on.
This story is a nice start. To make a more substantial story, try picking an episode and work that up into a scene. You can also try connecting a few vignettes to make a narrative.
The writing itself isn't bad at all, but I feel a lack of organization which hurts the story. It would also be nice to see the concentration on one event (which can pull in memories from others) rather than many events.