by Una Ryce
Wonderfully written Una. I love this one. Short and sweet and yet powerful.
Keep on working at it.
At a quick glance, here are a couple things you might do to change this:
"my face nestle in your neck,
Your breathing getting slower
and deeper."
Tighten it up a bit and get the reader ready for what follows:
"my face nestles in your neck,
Your breaths slow and deepen."
Then, change this:
"'You'll make some woman very happy one day...'
I hear,
And I fight with my tears."
Try this - it might give the thought of tears more punch:
"'You'll make some woman very happy one day...'
I hear, as I fight tears."
Just a couple suggestions. Fewer words seem to have greater emotional impact. Play with it some more and see what you think.
your words paint a picture in a poetic way, no matter how you rearrange it it says alot about the heart and that you can not change. I enjoyed your write.
I don't know what meaning this will have...but after reading something so beautifully written, I am in tears. I don't know why or how your work has moved me so, but it has. I hope you keep writing, for I can see my silent emotion expressed within your words.
Truly.....thank you.
~Kasumi
passion and warmth denotes the beauty of your pen...smiles/bluerains