Valentine's Day Anniversary

Then Valentine's Day loomed.

I had told Meghan about the significance of the holiday, and about Jen and I, but nothing about the situation the night of her death. I kept that bottled up inside, deep inside, and I didn't ever want to uncork that again. I felt guilt, and shame, and I didn't want to share that anyone, including Meghan. She understood, and for reasons I can't fathom she didn't press me for answers, just gave me the time I needed those weeks before and after the holiday to isolate myself. And when I finally came out of my self-imposed funk she was still there, waiting for me. And she still loved me.

Spring and summer flew by in a haze of love and passion. The more time we spent together, the less time we could stand to be apart. The more we learned about each other, the more we liked. She moved in with me on the fourth of July, the very antithesis of "independence day" if you think about it, and on Labor Day, our first "anniversary", I asked her to marry me. Without hesitation she said "YES!", and on impulse we flew to Vegas and tied the knot with Elvis as our witness. It was sweet, it was whimsical, and it was downright corny. It was too much. It was all I ever wanted, and I'd never been happier. We honeymooned in Hawaii and we floated on clouds and we swam in waterfalls and slept on the beach. And in two weeks we returned home to the well wishes of family and friends and began to settle in to our life together. It couldn't have been anymore perfect.

And when I realized that... the joy, the perfection, and the overwhelming love I felt for Meghan... my heart began to shut down. Somewhere inside I couldn't reconcile the happiness I felt now with the happiness I had felt with Jen. I tried to fake it, but Meghan knew me too well. She still didn't push, but I couldn't give her the answers she wanted either. And then February came around again. Valentine's Day. And despite my best efforts I closed up again, which was much more evident to her now that we were married. The best I could do now was to seclude myself at the office, to not expose her to my pain. I left home early in the morning and worked late into the night, and made excuses to not be around her. But on Valentine's Day, the office littered with red paper hearts and streamers and chocolates, I had to get out of there. My mind was swimming. For the first time ever I actually considered revisiting the cemetery where Jen was buried and before I realized what I was doing, I was standing in front of her grave. It didn't look different, aside from the fact the grass had now fully grown in. And there were fresh flowers there. A bouquet of roses. Her mother must have brought them earlier that day. Suddenly, I felt stupid for not bringing anything myself, my hands searching fruitlessly through empty pockets. I was there, but I didn't know why, and I didn't know what to do now that I was there. I turned and looked around, no one else was anywhere to be seen, and I just started talking.

"Hi... Jen." I choked on the words. I didn't expect an answer, and didn't receive one, so I kept talking. "It's been awhile. I'm sorry. I'm, um, I'm married again..." As soon as the words left my mouth I couldn't continue. The tears started to flow. Here I was, telling my dead wife about my life, while she had none. Telling her she'd been replaced. I stumbled backward. It was a mistake to have come here. I grabbed my cell phone from my coat pocket and called home.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Meg, it's me."

"Hey, baby. Are you at work still?"

"No... I'm not." I couldn't explain to her where I was, not when I didn't know myself. "I'm on my way home though."

"Oh!" She sounded surprised. I guess I couldn't blame her, given my recent home avoidance practices. "Ok... I'll be waiting here for you."

"See you soon. I love you."

"I love you too, baby..."

And I quickly made my way out the cemetery, never looking back.

**********

During the drive home my mind was spinning in confusion. I loved Meghan. I loved Jen. I should be happy. I shouldn't be happy. My heart was elated. My heart was broken. The dichotomy was tearing me apart. I pulled into the driveway and sat in the car, trying to summon up the courage to tell Meghan. To tell her everything. I went inside the house, resigned to my actions.

"Honey?" There was no sign of her. From upstairs I heard the water running in the bathtub. This was odd, because Meghan wasn't really the bathtub type. I walked up the stairs, and entered our bedroom. The bathroom door was shut. And lying on the bed were my old journals. And Jen's journals. The ones I had hidden away never to be found. But Meghan had found them, and she had read them. I stood in shock, feeling all at once violated and betrayed and incensed. I clenched my hands into tight fists, my fingernails digging in. I hadn't been this upset since... since... no. I shook my head clear. This wasn't the same. I walked over to the bathroom door and flung it open. The world stopped spinning.

Lying in the bathtub surrounded by bubbles was a girl. With her long, blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. Lips pink with gloss. She opened her eyes and looked at me. With blue eyes. With weak knees I fell backwards. What was happening? I dropped down onto the bed. In the distance, it sounded so far away, I heard the girl splashing the water as she left the tub. Looking at the doorway I saw her silhouette appear, a towel wrapped tightly around her.

"J-Jen?" I don't know why I said that. I knew deep down inside that it couldn't possibly be her. The girl walked towards me, slowly, and gently pushed me back on the bed as she unbuttoned my shirt.

"Shh..." she said, putting a finger to my lips to silence me. I let her undress me, remove my shirt, remove my pants, leaving me lying naked on the bed. She dropped her towel from her body and straddled me, leaning forward to embrace me in a kiss. In her kiss I was lost. I had no idea where I was, or when it was. She broke the kiss, and spoke to me.

"Oh, baby... I love you. I love you so much. You know that. Never forget that. Never doubt that. I've loved you since we were little, living next door, best friends and lovers, and I'll always love you..."

Oh my god... Jen...

"But..." I wanted t speak but she didn't let me finish. She lowered her head to my neck, and whispered in my ear.

"It's ok, baby. I know you're sorry. I know you didn't mean for anything to happen to me. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just... is."

I instinctively kissed her neck, as she lightly licked around my ear. I felt the knot in my stomach, the knot I'd had for days, the knot that was always there to remind me it was Valentine's Day, I felt it... begin to dissipate. And as I kept kissed her, and held her to me, the familiar feelings I had for her, that I hadn't allowed myself to feel for so long, began to free themselves from whatever dark chamber of my heart I was locked them in. I remembered back, way back, to that Valentine's Day, on Jen's bed, Jen atop me, just like now, and I felt myself harden beneath her. She shifted, positioning herself so my cock was poised at her opening.

"That's it baby, it's ok." She slowly began to move her hips, as my cock slid inside her.

"I love you, baby... and... it's ok." She slid herself lower, all the way down on me, burying me inside her, and quietly whispered, "I forgive you..."

That did it. Those three simple words. Everything inside me that I had been holding in, holding tight, locked up where no one, not even I, could touch it, it all came crashing out. Tears started flowing, and my chest started heaving, loud gasps of air bursting forth as I inhaled and exhaled.

"Oh god... Jen..." She was riding me now. My cock thrusting inside her. Tears falling from her eyes, splashing on my face and intermingling with my own.

"It's ok, baby... it's ok..." She kept repeating her mantra. Reassuring me. Healing me.

It was true. It was ok. I realized that now. Jen didn't die because we had an argument. Jen didn't stop loving me because of what I had said. It was a horrible thing I'd said, and it happened to be a horrible time for me to say it, but even afterward I knew Jen still loved me and I still loved her. So did Meghan. She'd read it in our journals. She read mine, and she'd read hers. She knew exactly how we'd felt about each other, and what had happened to Jen, and then what subsequently had happened to me. And Meghan loved me so much, so very, very much, that she was willing to play the role of my first love to show me what I should have already known. I opened my eyes. No... she had opened my eyes.

"Meghan..." She looked down at me, still crying, her hips still moving. I reached up and removed the blonde wig. That wasn't her. And right now it was Meghan I wanted, not Jen. It was Meghan who deserved my love and attention. Underneath the wig, her short brown hair had been all matted down. I ran my fingers through it to bring it back to life. God I loved her hair. I rolled her over on her back so I that I was on top, still inside her, and she wrapped her legs tightly around me. We looked deep into each other's eyes. "I love you, Meghan." She smiled and closed her eyes.

I thrust deep inside her. She matched my movements. Our pace quickened, our bodies melding together, breathing hard. It felt so right. It felt perfect. And within minutes, we'd both cum. I gently rolled off her and lay at her side, cradling her in my arms as she curled in against me, her head lying on my still rapidly rising and falling chest.

"You're so wonderful, Meghan. I love you so much. Thank you... so much."

"Shh... baby. I love you too." And we fell asleep in each others arms.

The next morning I ran out quickly, while Meghan was still sleeping. The Hallmark store had just opened, and they hadn't yet put away the Valentine's Day decorations. I picked out a huge red card shaped like a heart for her, then left for the florist. I bought two dozen red roses. Driving home I stopped off at the cemetery to leave one of the dozen at Jen's gravesite. I think she'd have liked that. As I put them in the vase near her headstone, I smiled. No more tears. Only good memories.

The rest of the day was reserved for Meghan and me. We had a lot of Valentine's Day catching up to do. I wondered how difficult it would be to make restaurant reservations on the day after...