North Shore

"Go in before I steal Reddie, hun."

"Reddie?"

"You," Gui-Feng responded as we got to the doorway. A wall of sound greeted us. There were so many women dancing together it reminded me for a second of a junior high dance, only back then we didn't dance quite like the pair right in front of us whose hands were leaving no body part unexplored. The only things louder than the music were the sights. Laser lights spun, the whole room flashed, and banners proclaimed GirlBar to the world. I hadn't been to a club since almost college. Eight, nine years?

"Do you come here a lot?" I asked as Gui-Feng pulled us towards a table away from the speakers.

"A fair amount. It's a comfortable place and it's where I practice."

"Practice?"

"A lot of the people who hire me like to drink. A lot. I've got to be able to handle alcohol. It could be dangerous if I can't."

I hadn't thought about that. She had to drink enough to not put her client off, but never get drunk so she could still fight if needed. "Why here though?"

"Maybe I will meet someone. Besides, I used to dance here."

"Dance?"

Gui-Feng pointed towards a raised platform with a pole. The pole was adorned with a woman in a tiny leather top and miniskirt. She couldn't have been two days over twenty-one.

"Oh."

"Different life than you, huh?"

"Yeah. I could never pull it off anyway."

Gui-Feng looked at me for a second before responding. "Have you looked at yourself lately?"

"What do you mean?"

"Was it as a teen that you decided you weren't good-looking?"

I knew where this was going. She was going to tell me I was pretty. "I was very awkward as a teen. Bony knees, acne, large belly despite a skinny body. It wasn't great. It's just a fact, Gui-Feng. I don't feel bad about it. I might as well feel bad about not having wings."

"And how are your knees now? Your skin's completely clear. You look thin and trim in your jeans. Long legs. If you have a belly, it's small and no one can tell. I mean, the pick-up guys at the hotel were telling the truth. You actually have an hourglass figure now, Ashleigh."

I pointed at the college age dancer. "I don't look like that."

"I hope not!" she responded. "Can you imagine if you spoke to her and she told you she was 33? It'd be freaky. You're not supposed to look like her. You are supposed to look like a beautiful 30 year-old, and you do. You are beautiful."

I didn't quite know what to say. I decided to admit it.

"I don't take compliments well."

"I just want you to believe it."

"I do." I hesitated. "Okay, no, I don't."

"I bet you've been curvy and toned for more years now than you were ever bony. Time to update your self-image. You look kind of like Julianne Moore minus a decade."

I smiled a little. "As long as I don't have to be in Boogie Nights 2."

"Ashleigh, how long have we known each other?"

"About five, six hours."

"Right, and I was trying to play footsie with you an hour into it. There might be a reason." I didn't say anything so she continued. "And I wanted you to touch me. And I wanted you to kiss me." She leaned in closer. "And I told you about Kira. I don't tell customers about my life like that normally. Not that story. Actually, I don't tell them about my life at all. I make up a completely new story for every client. But I told you."

I understood what she was saying, but I didn't believe it. "Why did you tell me that?"

"Ashleigh!" As she looked at me I could see a sadness taking her that she was trying to hide. "You know why. Why would I tell you a story intended to show I'm attracted to women for long-term relationships?" A pause. "Because I like you," she explained even though I already knew, before I had forced her into it. "Because I wanted you to...." She was stopping herself from saying what she was thinking. "...To know."

My response was horrible. "I guess, I thought you were just liking me because, because you are supposed to."

Her head fell down and when I reached for her she drew back. I could barely hear her speak above the noise. "If that's what you want to think. It's what everyone else thinks. It's how my whole life is."

"I'm so sorry, Gui-Feng. I just- I don't think of myself as attractive like that. Not for you."

"I know," she said. She lifted her head and looked at me again, tears in her eyes. "My name is Sara."

"What?"

"My real name. Sara. Not the name I use for my job. I want you to know me before it's over. My name is Sara."

"Hi, Sara," was all I could get out. On a thought I reached for her again and this time she didn't move away. I grasped her hand firmly.

"I'm from North Carolina. Born outside Wilmington," she continued slowly.

"Your web site?"

She shrugged. "Mysterious Asian woman gets customers. Typical girl from Carolina doesn't."

"It gets me. I don't care about any of that. You know I wanted to hire you exactly because you didn't offer a picture or try to tease me. I knew you were offering something else and I wanted to know what. I just- I wish I had dressed up for you. I mean, look at me!" I indicated my jeans and blouse and then pointed at the dance floor. "And look at them!" The outfits ranged from sexy to elegant to rough, but everyone was out and trying to attract the woman opposite them.

"That was on purpose," Gui-Feng, Sara, replied. "I wanted you casual. I thought if we all dressed up that would start the pressure before we even met."

"That makes sense. I just wish I was more for you. You deserve more than stupid old me."

She reached up to caress my cheek. "Ashleigh, if you were more, I wouldn't make it out of this date alive. You've already got me teared up and confessing secrets. This is not how I am supposed to do my job."

I felt my heart growing in size with each word and each touch.

"I like you," I heard myself say. "I really really like you."

"You do?"

I nodded as the lump grew in my throat. "I'm just afraid."

"Let's dance," Sara asked.

With a slight smile, I nodded towards the pole dancer. "Like that?"

Sara responded with her own smile and stood, never letting go of my hand. The music was changing as we walked on to the dance floor. A slow trance beat with a saxophone melody on top. The beat throbbed into your mind, sliding its way into your body.

Sara's hands were in mine as I moved close to her again. As the beat took us, we began to sway together, never moving our feet, just letting our hips slide.

"I'm glad I know your name," I said.

"I am, too."

We spoke slowly as if we could only talk on the pulse.

"Where's 'Gui-Feng' come from? Do you speak Chinese?"

Sara pulled me a little closer, and while my heart started beating faster as the distance decreased, I didn't move back. "Wo hui shuo guoyu, taiyu..., fa yu, yidian riyu. Bie gaosu nide airen." She then leaned a little closer still. She was so close. So wonderfully, frighteningly close. "Wo keneng ye hui ai shang ni."

"Mandarin, not Cantonese, right?"

"Yes, I'm Taiwanese."

"I'm Irish. Well, my grandparents were."

"Speak any?"

I smiled. "No, but I can put on a mean accent if I channel my grandmother."

"I'd like to hear that one day."

I wondered if she meant she wanted to hear my accent or my grandmother who was still batting around at the age of 94. I suddenly wished I could introduce Sara to her. Somehow, I thought she'd approve of my choice. She liked Kenji. Oh, god. I leaned into Sara completely for support and we just swayed to the beat. I didn't know what Sara was giving me that I needed, but I knew I needed it.

"You are doing very well in here," Sara said close to my ear.

I looked up at all the female couples. "I guess I should be weirded out, huh?"

"Many would."

"I think there're more important things on my mind."

"Like what?"

"Like if a place like this is my new home."

I felt Sara's arms wrap around me, drawing me in to her body. We were barely moving now, just standing in each other's arms. My own hands extended around her neck, but I didn't look at her. Instead I kept my head nestled into her shoulder. After a moment, I felt her hands begin to slide along my back. Not a hug anymore. She was caressing me, touching me.

"That feels good, Sara."

"Yes."

The music was changing, heating up, the trance ending, and the lights starting to rev up the energy. But the two of us stayed locked in our embrace. I looked up from Sara's shoulder to see a woman with a kind face smiling at me. When she saw my eyes, she gave a little thumbs-up to encourage me. I put my head back into Sara.

"I was just given the go ahead," I told her.

"What do you mean?"

"Someone across the room thinks we are a good couple."

Sara moved back until she was looking at me but still holding me tight. I couldn't avoid her look now. She was more beautiful now than she was the first time I had seen her.

"What do you think?" she asked me, never letting my eyes go. My heart started beating faster and faster, but she didn't break our connection. She was demanding to know what I really wanted.

"Can we be a couple, Ashleigh? Can you see that, too?"

I felt tears growing in my eyes. Wouldn't she let me go? Why did she demand the truth?

My answer came out almost as a sob. "I can."

I felt Sara's hands shaking.

"Someone like you with me? I could finally have someone in my life?"

"Yes, I can see it, Sara." The movie frames of my life were splitting apart, flying around my head, buzzing in my ears.

"Kiss me," she said and moved forward. But I could only shake my head as a tear slid onto my closed lips. I could see it, but I couldn't do it. Did she understand?

Sara's gorgeous eyes widened as she looked at me. "What's wrong?"

"I can't." She only looked at me, shocked at what I was doing. "Don't make me."

"Make you?" she said in a choked voice. "I'm making you? I don't want to make you."

"I'm scared. I can't do this." I wanted what she was offering. The intimacy and companionship with a woman, but, but-

"Ashleigh, it's me. I would never hurt you. Oh, I'm pressuring you again, aren't I? I'm sorry, I just get- I need someone too, someone-"

"That's not it. It's- I don't know what will become of me if I let my feelings out."

She stared at me and then without a warning dropped her arms from around my body and started walking towards the door.

Sara?

Sara, please. I watched her walking.

"Sara!!!"

She stopped near the threshold and turned towards me, but as I ran towards her, she stood not looking. A few heads watched me running to a woman who didn't want me anymore, watching the end of another relationship.

"Please don't go," I begged. "I can't do this in one night. I need time. Love isn't easy."

She lifted her eyes to mine. "You love me?"

"I don't know. I want to."

"But you are married."

"I know. And I love him." I did, I did. I wasn't just saying it. I knew it.

"So what are we going to do?"

What was there to do? I didn't want to let her go, but I couldn't let her in. There was no answer this time. Nothing was to be found.

I collapsed onto the floor, giving up.

Sara squatted down next to where I was sitting and wrapped her arms around me again. It felt so right, like how it was meant to be. This was an image in my life. I knew it.

"I'm such a complete mess," I told her. "I'm so sorry to have done this to you." She said nothing but caressed my hair tenderly as people stepped around us. "Have you ever met anyone like me before?"

"Yes," she whispered to me.

"What?"

"Seven years ago."

"Who was she?"

"The person I was meant to be with. Or so I thought. She was everything I had ever wanted. And, more, she was what I had never known I wanted until I met her."

"What happened?"

"She loved me, she said. I think it was true."

"And?"

"She stayed afraid. Oh, it was different than this, than you. She'd kiss me and then cry and tell me she shouldn't have. Finally after four perfect, terrifying months we made love. I thought it was the most beautiful night of my life. I knew we had finally broken through the barrier together. Finally. She was gone when I awoke."

"She didn't explain?"

"I got an answering machine message. She said she wasn't ready for this and needed space. She had bought a plane ticket home and would call when she was ready. She didn't know what would happen to her if she stayed. With me."

"How long did you wait?"

"Seven years...."

"Oh, Sara-"

"No, I've dated since then. Tried relationships, but I still wake up sometimes wondering if she is ready now. She isn't. She never will be. She's probably married or, worse, dating her beautiful partner. Can you imagine? What if she finally did it but with someone else? I couldn't handle that. I never want to know." I discovered that I was the one caressing Sara now. "I'm sorry, Ashleigh."

"You're sorry! I'm the one-"

"I ran just a moment ago. But I wasn't running from you, I know. I just can't do that again."

As I held Sara or she held me, a thought came clear as a bell. "But I'm not her," I said, starting the thought.

"Oh, I know, but-"

"And we have help this time. We aren't alone."

"Help?" She looked up into my eyes. "What kind of help could there be?"

"Ken."

---

We sat very properly together in the taxi, holding hands and not speaking. What do I say to the person who I say I want to love but won't kiss? What does she say to the person who is dragging her heart back through the worst experience in her life? Nothing.

---

Sara stood patiently behind me as I opened the hotel room door that was supposed to hold my husband, the only person who knew if Sara and I were done. As the door swung open, the first thing to hit us was the sound of Ella Fitzgerald. We walked in and saw a small stereo sitting in the living room. The music was very quiet, but I knew the song like the house I grew up in.

"It's very clear our love is here to stay. Not for a year but forever and a day.

The radio and the telephone and the movies that we know May all just be passing fancy and in time may go.

But, oh my dear, our love is here to stay."

The lights were low and a few candles flickered near the bed in the distance.

"How did you know I loved Ella?" I asked Sara.

"I didn't. My tricks have all been played." As she said this, Ken came walking out of the bathroom where it looked like he had been washing his face.

"Oh, you're back! Great! You've no idea how nervous I've been in here. I have absolutely no clue what I'm supposed to be doing." He focused on me. "To be honest, Ashleigh, I've had no clue what I was supposed to be doing since the day in the trailer."

"Neither have I," I told him quietly.

"How do you support your wife wanting to be with someone else? It's not clear, at least to me. So, I just did the same old stuff I always do. That's the only Ella I could find in the time I had. It's from a gas station. And the candles are from the bathroom. I guess they are yours, Gui-Feng."

"Sara." I interrupted.

"What?"

"My name is Sara. Sara May Huang."

What a woman. She was still going to put herself out there after all I had put her through. She hadn't given up on me, on us.

Ken stopped bouncing nervously. "What have you two been up to?"

"Talking," said Sara.

"Getting to know each other," I added.

"You look like you've been talking to ghosts."

"Would you like a drink, Sara? We have a mini bar. Actually, it's huge, so I guess it's a maxi bar." I wanted to break the tension and have fun again, but Sara refused.

"I only want a kiss. One from Ken. And one from you, Ashleigh."

When I looked at her I could almost believe that she was the only one I desired. But she wasn't. I was still on the bus to the North Shore, and I didn't want to get off yet. I could picture every detail of that day; the day I had discovered my life partner. I didn't want to get off yet. I couldn't.

Ken was taking my hand. "What's wrong?"

I didn't say anything.

"Do you still want this?" he asked me.

An image of Sara's face deep in ecstasy popped into my head.

"Oh yes. Oh God, yes." I admitted.

Ken barely paused. "Then, it's time. She likes you, Ashleigh. She told me so while we were walking. You aren't kissing someone who doesn't want it. Don't be afraid."

He started to lead me to Sara, but I didn't move.

"Kenji, you don't understand."

"I do. She's had my head spinning all night so I don't know what side is up."

"No, Kenji. I like her. Kenji, I don't know for sure I can turn it back off."

I watched him swallowing as he contained his emotions. "Isn't that what we came to find out? I know this is more than you having the hots for someone. I knew that instantly the day you told me."

"Ken?" I felt like I was calling to him even though he was only inches away. "Don't you worry about what might happen to me? To us?"

"That's all I think about. That's all I care about. I want to take you and run as fast as I can back to Hawaii, but I also know that whatever is going on will follow us home. I'm not going to run. I want you with me because it's all that you want" He led me to Sara and passed my hands gently into hers. "You are the love of my life."

"What if I am truly happy in her arms? In Sara's arms? This might be who I am. Why aren't you trying to stop me?"

"Because," Ken spoke slowly as if only understanding himself as the words came out. "You're the love of my life."

My heart burst.

Before me, he had declared his life was empty, but he had grown far beyond that now. He only wanted me with him if we could both be happy. I loved him so much. I felt my knees give way but, instead of falling, Sara was supporting me, pulling me back up with the hands in which Ken had placed me.

Had Ken just given me to another? The person with whom I would live my life now? Or was it to be just for tonight? What about Ken and me? He had always been there for me, even now when it was the greatest risk he could take. I didn't know the answers to any of these questions. It was all such a great, big mess, and my little mind couldn't work through it.

I didn't know.

I didn't know!

Of course not! How could I know? You can't know who you will fall in love with until you are in love with them. You can't know what music is like until you hear it. You can't know how to overcome fear until you are afraid. The only way to know if my new life was in Sara's arms was to be in Sara's arms.

And Kenji knew this. So here he was helping me find out. I couldn't help but smile. Ken and I were still together on our journey, except one more person had joined in. I was determined that together he and I would find out where we were going. Together.

I looked at Sara who had caught me as I fell and asked a simple question. "Do you still want a kiss?"

I could tell Sara didn't quite understand why my mood was changing, but my smile had spread to her regardless. She nodded eagerly.

So I finally did the most natural thing in the world.

I kissed her.

We pulled back smiling even more.

Our lips met again. This time I got to really feel her. Her lips were fuller, softer than Ken's. I went for a third kiss, but as I leaned in I felt Ken backing off. "Don't you go," I said and reached out, only to bump into Sara's arm which was already clutching his tie.

"I wanted a kiss from you, too," Sara told him.

"I had forgotten you were bi. Sara, you are bi, aren't you?"

She looked at me with the sort of joy that was on her face when we first met.

"You bet I am," she said and yanked my husband's face onto hers. As their lips met, Ken looked for a second like a nervous almost 40 year-old trying to kiss a gorgeous woman ten years his junior. Then a lock of hair fell into his face as their lips moved, and I saw again the man who had written the racing column, the man who turned down girls who ran their own web sites, the man who could take me to heaven physically. Sara didn't know what she was getting into.