Imperfect Beauty

I was angry at him for his attitude and reaction. I never told him that there was a possibility that it could be somebody else, because he just assumed that it could be anybody. Even though, the whole time we had been together, there had been no one else besides Zoë, he was not willing to believe that. He could only believe the worst of me. That I refused to declare myself monogamous because I wanted to keep having sex with as many men as possible. His low view of me, along with his accompanying contempt made me come close to hating him. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that if he had wanted to claim this child- I could be facing even worse circumstances than this. A fate I did not even want to contemplate. I crossed my fingers and hoped that he would not change his mind. But knowing all I did about him, I could safely say that was unlikely.

The second possibility was also a problem. Unlike Kale, Lin was a person who was dear to me. True to my word I didn't hold him responsible for what happened between us, and I didn't want to do anything to come between him and his wife. The truth was- I loved Lin in my own special way, but I didn't want him for a husband or even a boyfriend. Zoë and I agreed that either way, the paternity of the child would be protected, classified information. Whatever it would take, even letting the hospital and anyone else that enquired simply believe that I just didn't know who could have fathered my child. Let them judge me, I had been judged before.

The conversation with Lin, may well have been more painful than the one with Zoë. He told me that he would not deny this child if it was his, that he would leave his wife and take care of me. I told him no. I didn't want to ruin his marriage, and that I would protect him. He could see my baby, and be an honorary uncle if that was his wish. I knew that he was not really ready to leave his wife and that this kind of news would be far more than she would allow. I knew that he wanted this way out, and yet I felt that he really wished he could do what he saw as the more honorable thing. I had to assure him that there was no honor in destroying his family. That Zoë and I would take care of things, that the child- who's ever it was, my child, would have a good life. And so would he.

I convinced him of what he already knew. He would tell no one and neither would I. Things would stay just as they were. Only everything would be different. He gave in- with just enough fight to feel that he had tried to do the right thing. And I really did appreciate the thought- as they say. A part of me doubted that he ever would have followed through, but I had no desire to ruin his life just to confirm my worst fears about him. Instead I chose to believe the best. And we chose to protect each other.

Zoë and I steeled ourselves for the coming storm. I began moving in with her, but kept my apartment as a studio for my painting. I realized that I just didn't want to be alone during this trying time. She agreed to be my birthing coach, and co-parent. We agreed that we would continue to have an open relationship, but that we would begin to be more low key about it, and that the relationship between the two of us would be taken to a new level.

Now suddenly we were officially a lesbian couple- expecting a baby. People assumed all sorts of things to fill in the details. I found it hard to ignore them and just smile, especially as my belly grew and my hormones swung wildly from here to there. I also found it hard to think of myself as half of a lesbian couple- just saying it felt so political- when I had always considered myself nothing more and nothing less than simply sexually open minded.

At first I insisted that I wasn't gay. People were confused.

"Are you living with a woman?"

"Yes."

"So is she your friend or your lover?"

"Both."

"But you're not a lesbian?"

"No, I don't consider myself to be a lesbian?"

"So you're bi?"

"I don't consider myself to be bi either."

"But you're in a lesbian partnership, right?" they would ask, genuinely confused.

"I guess you could say that," I would concede.

"So you're a lesbian- right?"

At this point I would usually sigh and say, "I guess that's the simplest way to put it- yeah."

Over time my answer was boiled down to the much more simple, "yeah," and everything else that came before it was just skipped for the sake of brevity. And to keep me from pulling my hair out.

My mother had the hardest time understanding. I had found prince charming, but managed to let him slip though my fingers. Even though I was having his child. (She knew nothing about the married friend who was another likely candidate for fatherhood.) Now I was living with a woman. "What will your father say?" she guilt-ed me with when I informed her of that bit of news. "What are you bringing my grandchild into?" she lamented day after day when she called to check in on me. She was driving me out of my mind with constant questions and recriminations. Still, she was exited about becoming a grandmother, despite her apprehensions. She barely knew from one day to the next how she felt about the situation, and refused to tell anyone in our hometown that I was ‘shacking up with some lesbian corruptor' as she called my beloved Zoë.

Though not to her face- my mother was a dear thing to Zoë and I think that she even liked her on a personal level, but not as a life partner to her only daughter. A daughter who was destined to marry a rich art collector who would take care of her so that she could produce many grandchildren. Zoë was no rich art collector, and she didn't have the right tools for the rest of it.

She clung to her dreams for me, insisting that Zoë was some kind of fad. "I read that all the college kids try it at least once," she once said dismissively- conveniently ignoring the fact that I had long graduated from college. Still, she was sure that lesbian romance and illegitimate children were a phase that would pass, and it would be unnecessary to alert the town gossips. It would all blow over, and her fairy tale world would come true for me. Even if they were wished that I had never made for myself, but wishes she had conferred on me long ago.

The months leading up to the delivery were long indeed. There was much uncertainty, but at least I knew that Zoë would love and support me no matter what. I had security in that.

Zoë's house wasn't very big, so we decided to start looking for a family size home- with room for a studio, so we could stop paying on a whole other apartment. I already had some savings, so we considered our options of either buying or renting, and decided that we would buy. We planned to raise this child for at least 18 years, and we wanted to be able to give him or her some sense of stability in what was likely to be a tumultuous childhood. It was a huge step for us, neither of us having made such a large purchase ever, and here we were, doing it together. It made us realize the finality of our decision, the weight and meaning of all that we were about to embark on.

It wasn't difficult getting the loan, however we found to our surprise that finding a house would be. There was quite a lot more resistance than we expected. Our town was a fairly progressive, liberal minded college town- or so we thought until we tried to find a neighborhood that wasn't hostile to the idea of us relocating there.

We found that an amazing number of people really didn't mind us being what we were, they weren't against us being a couple or having a baby together, they just didn't know how our presence was going to change the dynamic of their community- or what they might tell there children about us. Even among the open minded, it seemed there was fear.

We didn't want to be crusaders and insist on our right to live in a neighborhood that didn't want us there. We wanted to find a warm and welcoming home for ourselves and our baby. We kept our faith that somewhere, someday soon, we would find that place, and that it truly did exist.

At last we found a slightly run down community who's residence for the most part were young twenties and rather bohemian in attitude. There was a real experimental feel about the place and we were welcomed with a warm attitude of ‘we don't have things figured out- we don't know everything all ready; so why would we tell you that your way is wrong when we don't know which way is right." There were a lot of artist types and even a few that were more or less simply shiftless. It was nothing to write home about- not to my mom anyway- but it felt remarkably like home to us. And we were grateful for the accepting atmosphere.

The house itself had three bedrooms, a roomy kitchen and living room, a porch with a decorative wooden rail and a big square back yard. Nothing was new and quite a few things either needed repair, or would soon but it was far from condemned. We were surprised that we could afford it. We were so exited, we just scooped it up.

We had thought, since the bank approved us for a loan and we found a house, that we could move in quickly before the time came for the baby to come. Wow, were we wrong about that! The process of purchasing a house is so harrowing, and so time consuming that I won't bore you with the details except to say that we felt quite deflated when we realized how long we were going to have to wait. And relieved that we had started as soon as we had.

The pregnancy itself was a healthy one, and physically not as bad as many, or so I hear. I was nauseous a lot, and much warmer than everyone else and had night twitches and muscle cramps. But I was lucky to escape without swollen hands or feet, varicose veins, or a host of other uncomfortable and stressful complications. I ate well, and continued to work. Zoë looked after my health as much as I did, making sure I got plenty of milk and dairy and fresh fruit and of course fiber. Even as my belly grew, the two of us grew closer.

We made frequent visits to the homes of our soon to be neighbors, who were as eager as we were for our new arrival. Actually, their excitement was what helped me forget my misgivings and fears much of the time and embrace my growing belly and changing life.

Dexter and Ilene were the neo-hippie couple across the street. They wore bell-bottoms and leather fringe and bead shirts found at Goodwill. They had a very non-materialistic view on life, and were really big on recycling.

Janice and Menache where kind of hippy-is too, but they bought all the new wave hippy styles. Janice was a potter, and Menache worked in the city. He was a political lobbyist and was paid very well. They were the ‘rich couple' on the block. Which meant they were still pretty poor by the rest of the world's standards. They had a little boy who was 2 and a baby girl.

The third neighbor we were close with was Miss Henderson. She was a sixty year old novelist, who pretty much always said what was on her mind. She like me, had a very open attitude toward her sexuality, and even when we met her had two female lovers and one male lover. Miss Henderson had never been married and informed us that she never intended too either. Her hobby was playing the piano and she was quite good. Her three lover's had far-flung interests as well. The man in her life built quality hardwood furniture and was a part time travel photographer. He was a young man of 43. He also was a gardening nut and raised prize winning roses. In his spare time he liked to make macramé plant holders!

Miss Henderson's two female lovers were as different as night and day, and both closer to her own age range. Matilda was the young and feminine one, with shoulder length wavy brown hair. She was 56. Katherine was 58 and full of piss and vinegar. She dressed simply, never putting on airs, never bothering with the slightest bit of make-up, indeed she thought moisturizing lotion was a luxury, which she occasionally indulged in. The first time I met her, I was taken aback. She was clearly a woman- and she had a beauty that was not only external, but seemed to radiate from within. Her long hair she wore pinned up, but she refused to cut it. She was extremely brusque to the point were she seemed rude, and that's what had taken me off guard about her. I thought she must surely hate me, but I found out later from Miss Henderson that she was quite fond of me. It was something I never would have guessed. And I had to learn very quickly to read between the lines with her.

Sometimes a group of us would get together in one of the houses for a game of Rummy. I wasn't very good at it, but I enjoyed the company. Sometimes we would bring Glen or Guy or even Simone or Chase and we all quickly became one big semi-dysfunctional group of mostly artists and free spirits. Simone and Chase were clearly the ‘straight men' of the group, but we loved them just as much as the others.

We used to joke that even if we didn't end up moving in, we would all still be close fiends. Which was funny until we almost didn't get the house.

At the last minute the bank informed us that there were some problems that could potentially make the entire deal fall through. We were close to due date, and very tied up with last minute preparations. We were very scared that we just weren't going to be able to balance everything out and be able to salvage our claim on the house. It was Miss Henderson's friend Katherine that pulled us up out of the fire at the last minute. It turned out that she had some connections and she really wanted to see us in the neighborhood. I was so exited when I got the news that things could once again move forward, I considered hugging her, but one look at her told me that was a very bad idea. Instead I told Miss Henderson in private how much we appreciated it, and she passed on the information.

The house was still not going to be available to move into for almost 6 months. Zoë's house was beautiful, and we had plenty of room there, but we had such big dreams and I was so anxious to begin. The baby was born, and we named her Emily Estelle Keys. I gave her Zoë's last name in order to tie them together in some way.

We set up a rough nursery in the rental house. Unable to paint or make any renovations we just made do with curtains which we could bring into the new house with us, decorative bedding and furniture and a few framed posters.

From the beginning Em was the light of my life. Her, Zoë and I were the most amazing little family, impatiently waiting the arrival of our new home. Even Emily seemed impatient, as if she knew that we had big dreams and they started at some point other than here.

I couldn't believe how much my perspective on just about everything changed, from the use of ‘bad words' around an infant who had no comprehension to the state of the world in general. Suddenly, Barney seemed endearing and cable TV seemed all too violent and sexual.

The biggest and most surprising change was that my sex drive became amazingly low. Now I felt much more like staying home and cuddling with Zoë, than going out and finding a playmate. Zoë hadn't experienced the same physical changes as I had, but she too seemed much more homebound.

It was the strangest thing- this family that I had never sought, and never even thought that I wanted was the most fulfilled life I could have ever imagined for myself. But it was not without difficulty. I found that the money that I thought I was pretty good didn't go nearly as far after diapers, diapers and more diapers. Never mind the myriad of other things that it turned out you need for a person so small they fit in the crook of your arm.

Even though our new neighbors were loving and excepting, there were many others whom we encountered that weren't. Many just assumed that we were two friends and that one or the other of us had a baby, but when it became clear that the three of us were family we got responses that ranged from hostile to those who seemed to take it as a personal insult. The last group I will never understand, even if I somehow figure out the reasoning that rules over the first.

At last the day came when the deal was final and we were able to move into our new house on Willow Street. Em was four months old, and we dressed her in this sweet little pink dress and booties. Normally I'm against gender stereotyped baby clothes, but she just looked so darn cute in it and we planned to take lots of pictures.

First we drove Zoe's car- now our car up to the house and brought Emily inside with much fanfare, snapping pictures and telling her in our high singsong voices all about how this was our new home and how much she was going to love it here, and how great the neighbors were. The whole time she gurgled and drooled on my shirt, not understanding anything beyond the fact that her parents had flipped.

We decided that we would spend the night in the houses, moving all our boxes and belongings from Zoe's house in first. The big house cost us much more than the apartment so we let that go first, and decided to keep the apartment for a while so that we could cut down on the stress of moving. After our first night there, we still didn't have a phone hooked up, and many of our neighbors chose not to even have a phone, so I ran out and invited them all over for an impromptu housewarming.

Now for many people that would seem rude, not giving them time to prepare and come with a gift and all of that. But once you understand the mindset in our neighborhood you would realize that it was just the right thing to do. They were all very spontaneous people, and very much enjoyed the idea of a last minute party. In fact, they all told me they would be over as soon as they could cook up something quick that they could bring over with them.

Janice and Manache made a quick cassarole of ham and corn baked into scalloped potatoes from a mix, Dexter and Ilene made an organic salad from their backyard garden, and Miss Henderson, who came over with Katherine, brought an grocery store frozen ice-cream pie from her freezer and a bag of chips.

Our guest had also brought makeshift gifts. Ilene brought us a potted plant which she had put together from a cutting of her garden flowers. Dexter made a bright patchwork wall hanging using cloth and hot glue, Janice embellished some kitchen curtains that Dexter had packed away that they had inherited from his grandmother. Miss Henderson had painted some wooden candlesticks, and Katherine had insisted on bringing some light bulbs. "They always blow out as soon as you move in," she told me grimly. "And before you get a chance to stock up."

Our party was fantastic, with gifts and food and good friends. We played cards and talked and had a grand old time. It was a wonderful welcome to the neighborhood. Later on in the week we would invite them all back along with our old friends- but there was something special in this first welcome- some warm and full of generosity.

After a month or two we had settled in, and made the new house a true home. Zoe told me that I deserved and needed to go out, and that she would stay home with Em.

"No, I really don't want to," I told her honestly. "I'd rather stay home with you."

"I know- but you really need a change of pace. Besides I want you to get out before you feel like you have to or you'll go crazy."

"That's not going to happen, silly."

"Of course not," she said rolling her eyes. "Just humor me. Besides- maybe I'm getting sick of you," she finished in a teasing way. I gave her shoulder a friendly shove taking no real offense.

"All right. OK. I'll go."

I soon realized this really was about her as much as me. As I was dressing, she began to make suggestions about what I should wear. And all of her suggestions were more daring than my own choices.

"Look, you've got your figure back so nicely. You want to show that off!" she said, grabbing a form hugging mid-thigh skirt. "And your breasts are amazing!" She said, handing me a cleavage enhancing top.