Imperfect Beauty

I had a hard time explaining, because he just didn't seem to understand my need for friendships beyond him. He had friends but they were all what I would have called acquaintances. People you speak to when you see and ask about their families, but other than that you rarely even think of them.

Finally, my moods, his inability to understand, and our constant togetherness got the better of me. I exploded in a fight over which dress he wanted me to wear. It was stupid- but I had so much pent up frustration, it didn't matter. We called each other all the names we could think of, and he stormed out in anger. "Don't come back!" I yelled after him, and our plans for the night were canceled.

I stood there in the dress that I had chosen. Fat lot of good it had done me to wear what I wanted- now I was literally all dressed up, but I had no were to go. I threw myself down on the couch to feel sorry for myself. What had gone wrong?

The phone rang, and I thought it was probably Kale, calling to apologize or maybe just to have the last word.

"What!" I snapped into the phone.

"What did I do to deserve that?" a hurt male voice said on the other end. It wasn't Kale, it was Lin. I couldn't take it anymore. I just burst into tears.

"I'll be right over," he said. And hung up the phone. I continued holding the phone and sobbing. Before I even realized that enough time had passed, he was standing outside my door and knocking gently.

I let him in and he scooped me into his arms and tried to decipher my blubbering. I couldn't paint, none of my friends where talking to me and it was all my own fault, I'd had a fight with Zoë, Kale was suffocating me, and now he was gone too.

Lin's chest felt so sturdy as I cried into it. His warm familiar aroma soothed me and I could feel myself calming down some as he stroked my hair.

"There, there," he said patting my back protectively. "Calm down, it will be ok. Shh. Sh." His calming voice washed over me, helping me to gather myself together.

"Oh!" I cried, looking up at him and realizing what a mess I was. "Oh god, I'm so embarrassed. Did I ask you to come over? I'm so sorry- I shouldn't have-"

"You didn't," he assured me. "I called you. I came over because I was concerned."

"Oh! But I don't want you to see me this way," I cried out, wondering why it mattered and if I should have said it out loud.

"Don't be silly. It's fine. You need somebody, and I'm the only one here right now. It's no trouble; it's the least I can do for you. You might not believe this Nicole- but I do care about you."

I bristled. I didn't believe it. Or rather, I wanted to, but I didn't dare. I looked up at him, brushing my tears out of my face. I couldn't believe I was crying in front of him. Letting loose all my sadness and frustration. Letting myself fall apart and become a mess before his very eyes.

"I must be a mess," I said, turning away to get some tissues.

"You look beautiful," he said pulling me back around. "As beautiful as ever."

"What-" my voice caught in my throat. Our eyes locked. Was he taking advantage of my moment of weakness? Did he mean anything that he said? I wasn't sure, but I was even less sure that it mattered. I called to him with my eyes and he lowered his lips to mine. The kiss was soft, a soothing balm to the storms of the world.

"Just hold me," I breathed.

He grasped me close in a tight embrace. I let the tension just drain out of my body. His arms felt like home wrapped around me and I wondered why I had resisted him for so long.

"Take me to the bedroom," I whispered.

"Are you sure?" he asked me sounding reserved.

"No, I'm not sure of anything. Just take me. Please."

He lifted me, the skirt of my white dress hanging down his arm like the wing of a swan, and carried me into the bedroom like a groom caries a bride over the threshold. He laid me down gently on the bed and began kissing my neck. I kissed him back, unbuttoning his shirt with my shaking unsteady fingers. His neck was vaguely rough, as though he shaved yesterday but not today, and the woodsy scent of his cologne drew me in further. Was it him or his scent that I couldn't resist? There was no separating the two.

My lips traced down his chest. Like mine, not perfect but beautiful nonetheless. The brown hair from his head repeated itself over his body in a pattern of soft curls. He had the body of a man, there was nothing boyish about it. His nipples were hard, standing out from his well toned pecks. I flicked my tongue across them and kissed them as well.

He slid down the zipper in the back of my dress and slipped it away from my body in one stroke. His kisses burned across my shoulders, and he pulled back the straps of my slip. I felt a shiver go threw my body as his hands trailed my back, removing this next layer of clothing.

And still I had on a lacy bra and panty set. Three layers of white, as if I were indeed a bride on this night. Something inside me almost felt as if I were. It was like a wish, but without the pain of longing. A wish fulfilled. Perhaps I was deluding myself, but the moment felt perfect, and everything else just melted away.

I pulled away Lin's shirt and dragged my nails lightly across his back, down to his waistband and around front to unfasten his fly. I could already feel his arousal, and sense his internal struggle. This was what he had been after for so long, so why was he holding back.

"I don't want to do anything that you're going to regret," he told me, pausing my progress on his jeans.

"I regret a lot of things right now. And I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, but right now, this is the only thing that feels right to me. Whatever happens, I won't hold you responsible. This is my decision. This is what I want, Lin. Please. I need this now."

He sighed, a long and deep shutter of a sigh. I felt him letting go, giving in to his own temptation. He let go of my hand and let me finish unzipping him. As I slid his jeans down off his ass, I heard him growl- a primal growl of pleasure that would not be denied.

I could feel the same desire burning inside of me. I rolled on top of him, feeling him, tasting him, enjoying the sensation of our bodies pressed close- separated only by our underwear. There was something innocent in this, that last moments before we became naked together. And innocent and unbound joy. My body was in love with his, and I felt the reciprocation.

I let him remove the last layer of clothing from our bodies. His hands were deft. There was pleasure in the feel of his touch over my body. The touch, almost incidental for it's purpose was not to thrill me but to unwrap the present that lay for him beneath. My hunger grew with every moment.

At last, we were naked, skin to skin. He rolled me back to the bottom. He kissed me again, this time taking my breath, and returning it with his soul. I felt tears inside me again, threatening to well up but they were tears of joy. The feeling of connection with him was so strong that when he entered me, I felt a wave of pleasure that seemed to come from beyond the body, to an astral plane where we were together as closely as we were on this one.

Perhaps I was delusional, all the blood had drained from my head along with my tears. Maybe my need outweighed my common sense, my judgment and my rational mind.

His body moved over mine, sensing my yearning, my need for something to fill the void that was threatening to engulf me. I was overwhelmed by life, and now by my long held back need to be with him like this. The music played, our bodies danced. I could see colors and lights celebrating our union. Every voice that should have told me that it was wrong, had deserted me, went elsewhere, as if on vacation.

There was just the two of us, at last together. His weakness filling my need. I let myself believe that he felt what I felt. That this union was a union of souls, long overdue and at long last come to pass. And when I called out because I was falling, I knew with certainty that he would be there to catch me, and he was.

I came crashing back into my bed, into my body, into his arms beneath him. I felt him releasing his tension within me as I was calling out with my climax. It was nearly perfect, almost simultaneous, and still a joy.

Yes, he was there to catch me. And he held me as we fell asleep together, needing no words. And when I woke in the morning he was still there, beside me with his arms wrapped around my torso. I felt protected and cherished, almost as if I had never been the tough jaded woman that had built the wall that had held him off for so long.

I shook him gently awake. "Lin- Lin, do you need to get home?" I whispered without accusation.

"No, she's at her mom's again," he mumbled into her pillow. "We had a fight. She won't be back for a few days."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked supportively. What an odd thing to say, I remembered thinking. And still, it was from my heart.

He turned toward me, and brushed my hair out of my eyes. "No, I don't want to think about anything right now but you."

My insides were like jelly. I knew it must be nothing more than sweet talk, morning after balm to keep him in my good graces. But I let myself believe it. "Sweet talker," I teased him. "Do you want something to eat?"

"You know I can't eat this early. I'll take some coffee if you got it."

I kissed his forehead, not knowing if I would ever have him here like this again and took a long lingering look to file away in my good memory box. "I'll put a pot on, then I'm going to take a shower."

The warm water washed over me, but didn't seem to wake me. I felt so light that I must be dreaming still. Nothing from the night before could be true. Let it be a dream that I could cherish, with no consequences and no guilt.

It wasn't a dream, because when I emerged from the shower he was still there. And still the bad feelings that I kept expecting to crash down on me stayed away. There was something magical in this, I thought as we sat down to a shared cup of coffee.

"I can't stay long," he told me. "I hope you understand."

"Of course I do. I- Thank you for coming over, Lin. I just needed someone to be with me."

He smiled at me. There were no words for this moment. It was a pure moment. We drank in silence and then he rose, kissed me on the forehead and told me goodbye. "See ya, beautiful lady," he sang before strolling out the door.

I felt an urge now to go into my studio and paint. Without sketching I let my brush fly over the canvas, creating roses and lilies and crocuses. They were smaller canvases with single theme images, but they came quickly and easily and I painted a room full of flowers by the time that the sun was setting again.

*Two weeks passed, and I refused to talk to Kale, or to see him. Lin called once to tell me that she was coming home, so I would know not to call the house. (Even though I never call the house, he always calls me. But I guess he thought that what happened between us might have changed that and didn't want to take the chance. I couldn't blame him.)

Things were fine between us. I didn't feel the need to see him again and he either didn't have the opportunity or inclination for another visit. I felt like I needed to reconnect with Zoë, so much had happened since I had seen her last. But she proved impossible to get in contact with.

I finally caved and called Glen. He told me that she had gone out of town for the week to visit a cousin of hers. I told Glen that I was sorry for having abandoned all of them. "I don't think I had my head on right for a while there. But I'm working through things. I hope you guys will be willing to take me back."

"Of course, honey. And listen, you'll never believe it but Simone finally found someone!"

"What? No way!" I gasped.

"And get this- he's white! All her homeboys are green with envy. He's in the Army, which is a good thing, because he can hold his own."

"Yeah, anybody dating Simone is going to have to prove himself a time or two."

"Listen, not to cut this short sweetie, but I've got to go. I've got company."

"I completely understand, Glen. Thanks for being so cool about this."

After that, I decided to go out and get some fresh air. It felt good, as if I had been cooped up for a really long time. By the end of the week, before I had been able to talk to Zoë even once, I wasn't feeling so good.

In fact, it was becoming obvious that something was horribly terribly wrong. At first, I thought I had the flew. I was tired all day long, and overtaken by nausea whenever I caught whiff of anything but the most bland food. My head felt like it was full of a buzzing hornet's nest. If anybody else were around, I would have surely been a complete bitch. But as I was all alone in my apartment, I just raged against my canvas, at one point throwing paint past the easel and onto the wall. My hormones seemed out of control. This was stronger than any PMS I'd ever had, and I was beginning to fear the worst.

I bought a home pregnancy test and took it home. I just kept looking at it. I wanted to know, but only if it was going to give me the answer I wanted. The last thing I wanted to do was take it alone. Finally I decided to wait until Zoë got back, and hope that she would be willing to listen to me, perhaps she would sit with me and wait- be there when the results came in.

She called me when she got home. She told me that she was sorry that we fought, and she hoped that we could work threw things. I told her that I was so relieved, and that there was so much to tell her.

"I'm going to buy some champagne so that when that test comes back negative, we can celebrate. Then I'm going to drive over to your place. Do you want to do it there or here?"

I felt like hugging Zoë through the phone. I knew that I could count on her. I hadn't yet told her about Lin though, it was such a huge deal, I had to tell her in person. "Let's do it here. And there's a few more things I have to tell you. But they can wait until you get here. I can't wait to see you. I've really missed you."

"I've missed you too, hun. Now hold tight, I'll be right over. And Nikki?"

"What?"

"Don't worry. Everything's going to be OK. I promise."

I knew that she had no way of knowing that for sure, but I loved her for saying it. And I felt reassured. It would be ok, Zoë said so, Zoë would make it so. I clung to this thought as I waited for her to arrive with wine glasses- full of optimism to the end.

We greeted each other with hurried kisses and a rushed embrace. "Hurry, go take it," she urged me.

In the bathroom, my hands shook as I opened the box. I knew that after this, nothing would be the same. I could feel that in moments my world would turn upside down, and soon everything would be spinning out of control. Despite Zoë's assurances that everything was going to be ok, I felt panic and fear. I swallowed hard and tried my best to keep my hand from shaking.

When I was finished, I set the test on the sink counter and went out to the living room. Seeing Zoë sitting there, waiting to see what I had to tell her, I felt apprehensive. I didn't want to admit to her what had happened. I wanted her only to see the best in me. And yet, it had to be told.

I sat next to her and folded my hands in my lap. "I have something I need to tell you. It's very hard for me to say."

"Go ahead, Nikki. It's ok, whatever it is. We can deal with anything once it's out there and we know what we're dealing with."

"After Kale and I got into our fight, I was really upset. Crying. Hysterical. I just felt so off balance."

"Go ahead," she encouraged. I was afraid that at any moment I would name the deed and her calm demeanor would turn to ice or fire, cutting me with anger and shame.

"Lin called me. I don't know what he wanted. But he heard how upset I was. And he came over to make sure I was alright and- and- I was out of my mind Zoë. I just didn't care anymore- the wall came down and Lin was there. I needed comfort. And he was- there."

"You slept with Lin." Zoë said simply.

I dropped my head. I couldn't bare to look at her. Instead I focused my eyes on my fingernails, touching them and rubbing them with my fidgety fingers.

"Oh God-" Zoë said, suddenly realizing what this meant. "and if you- this could be- it could be- Oh Nikki!" She swept me into her arms and crushed me to her chest with an all embracing hug. She was on my side, she supported me. But she knew the weight of what I had to face.

She pushed me back, encouraging me to sit straight by the way she guided her hands over my frame. She steeled herself, and by association me. "It's ok. It's going to be ok, because the test is going to be negative anyway. We'll deal with the other issue after we see the test."

Our conversation, with all the nervous pauses, deep breaths and resolute gestures had taken the requisite three minutes so I went to check my results. I came out, speechless- stunned into silence carrying the test out in front of me. I presented it for her to see. Both windows were colored with a cheerful pink. The result was positive.

We stared at each other in stunned silence for a moment, and then I let the test drop from my shaking hands. She hugged me again. "We can get through this- we can. Don't worry we will get through this."

I don't know what I would have done without Zoë. She truly was a lifesaver to me. She held me for a long time, and she refused to judge me for my indiscretion. For breaking my code- sleeping with a married man, and Lin no less. She understood my weakness when it came to him. She even told me that she always felt that it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened between the two of us. I couldn't believe it. I had always thought that I was so strong. That I could resist him. Apparently she had seen something that I had refused to.

The timing of the event made things so muddled. I realized that either Kale or Lin could have been the father, neither of which was a good option. I realized, vaguely that I had options but not taking any of them seriously. This baby was mine, whatever else it was, and it belonged with me. That was the only thing that I knew, the only thing that was sure and true- besides Zoë.

When I told Kale, he reaction was nothing I could have predicted. A part of me wanted to keep it a secret from him, but a sense of honor compelled me to inform him of my situation. I hadn't yet told him that I knew it could be someone else's child. I simply told him that I was pregnant and how far along I was.

"So you want money? Is that what this is about? A little money now or a lot of money later?" I supposed that was his thoughtless way of asking me if I planned to have an abortion.

"I'm keeping the baby. And I didn't come here for money. I thought you should know, that's all."

"Why? It's not like it's mine. What with all the men you've probably been with- that baby could be anybody's."

I hadn't suspected until then, the depths of his jealousy. But what he said next stunned me anymore.

"I don't know what you think, but that babies not mine. And you'll never be able to pin it on me. I have a reputation in this town. I don't father illegitimate children with some nobody painter. If you try to say any different, I can make life very difficult for you."

The words stung beyond belief. All the time that he had been with me, had he been thinking of me this way? Just as some cheep inferior white trash piece of ass- another possession to acquire and then discard or trade off when he found a toy he liked better? Or was he just lashing out, repaying me for some unknowing slight? For refusing to let him tie me down as figuratively as he had always enjoyed doing literally?

From his demeanor, I knew that it was both. I had refused him denied him something that he wanted. And he was not used to being refused. And yet he was right about the other stuff too. He had a reputation as a man of good standing. It would cause a scandal for him to be the father of this child. The kind of scandal that he was accustomed to using his money to make go away.