How to Have an Affair

Cars also have an element of danger completely unrelated to the affair, as Richard found out.

RICHARD:

I was having an affair with a young secretary in my office. Lisa and I took every opportunity to get away for a few hours. One afternoon we finished work at twelve and drove up to the Lake District, and booked into a small bed and breakfast place that we knew. It was a four hour drive, but when we got there we telephoned our respective partners and made up some story about an urgent business meeting that we had to attend in Wales, and we wouldn't be home until late tomorrow evening. Of course to avoid any suspicion we didn't mention that we would be together.

On the way home we had a very bad car accident, and we were both taken to hospital with serious injuries. I remember lying in bed feeling ill, and trying to explain to a policeman why he mustn't 'phone my wife. He apologised, and said it was too late, my wife and Lisa's partner would be arriving within the next hour.

When they arrived they couldn't work out why we were together in a hospital in the Lake District.

Although badly hurt, we managed to lie our way out of it by saying that there was a last minute change to the business meeting, and that it was important that Lisa, as my secretary, should be with me. My wife and Lisa's partner never found out the real truth.

Cars can also go wrong. Make sure you have yours regularly serviced if you are having an affair.

KIRK:

I borrowed my girlfriend Kim's Austin Metro on the pretence that I was going to see a friend in Cambridge for the weekend. I picked up my other girlfriend, Laura, and drove her down to Devon. On the Sunday morning, as I started the car, there was a huge bang. I didn't have any money, but I called out the local garage to look at it. The mechanic shook his head and said the drive shaft had shattered. He added that he would give me ten quid for its scrap value.

I 'phoned Kim and told her about the car, and asked whether I should accept the money. She was very upset, but she said no, she had an uncle in Cambridge who would come and pick it up, apparently he was very good with cars and could probably fix it up for her. Problem; the car wasn't in Cambridge, it was in Devon, outside a cheap bed and breakfast, and with another woman in it.

I tried to persuade Kim to accept the ten quid, as I needed the money for the train fare home, although ten quid was not enough to get us both home. But Kim wasn't having any of it. She asked for the address in Cambridge where the car was. So I made one up. She said that her uncle would be there soon, and he would give me a lift back.

I told Laura what the problem was. She was brilliant. She suggested that I 'phone Kim back and tell her that when I got back to the car, someone had either stolen it, or towed it away. But not to 'phone Kim until we were getting near to Cambridge. The delay in 'phoning could be explained away by saying I had spent a few hours looking for it.

We sold the car for fifteen pounds to the mechanic, and got him to drive us to the station. Within two and a half hours we were at Cambridge station. I 'phoned and told Kim the "bad news." She was frantic because her uncle had 'phoned her saying that he couldn't find the address that I had given her. I told Kim to 'phone her uncle on his mobile, and to ask him to pick me up from Cambridge station. He had gone back home, so this gave me just about enough time to rush to Cambridge police station and report the "theft" of the car.

Laura hitched from Cambridge and Kim's uncle drove me home. Kim claimed on her insurance for the theft of her car. Everything was fine until the insurance company came across the registration of her car. The log book showed the new owner as a mechanic in Devon. Then the police got involved and eventually I had to tell the truth, with the obvious consequences.

Cars have other ways of exposing affairs. People recognise their friend's or relative's car. How often has someone said to you something like, "What were you doing in Almeda Avenue last Thursday at 3.30pm." Yes, they saw your car parked on the road. We even recognise cars when passing in opposite directions on a dual carriageway. Emma's story illustrates the dangers of using your own car.

EMMA:

I could have parked the car anywhere. But I didn't think. I was seeing this man called Ralph, and I used to drive to his house as soon as my husband had gone to work. Ralph and I had been seeing each other for about five months, and Ralph was a good friend of my husband.

One fateful day my husband was passing by and noticed my car outside Ralph's house. He parked the car, and rang the doorbell, presuming that I had just dropped in to see Ralph for a cup of tea and a chat. Ralph didn't bother getting dressed, he just went to the door naked and opened it. My husband pushed past him, ran upstairs and discovered me lying naked and tied up on the bed. It was not a very friendly scene after that.

Probably the safest way to conduct an affair is to rent a flat in another town, and use that as your meeting place. It is an expensive option, and you have to hide the expenses of rent and other bills. On the other hand, have an affair with a single person who lives on their own. You will then have all the comfort and security that you desire.

CHAPTER 5: BEWARE!

When you are having an affair, you are aware that it has to be kept a secret, but as the affair continues you become more confident, and you selectively tell a few close friends. One of the reasons people tell their friends is because it is like an insurance. Your friends will give you back-up and support if the affair ever comes out into the open. The friends who didn't know would be annoyed because you hadn't told them. Others would revel in the position of being able to say, "Yes I knew."

Another reason we tell our friends is because we feel slightly guilty, and we want to share the guilt with them. Possibly we tell our friends because we wish to strengthen our friendship bonds, by sharing with them an important and secret part of your life. Of course it could be that we just want to show off.

You shouldn't tell anyone at all. For each person that you tell, they will tell at least their own partner. Their partner will tell at least one other person, and so it goes on. It should be made a rule from the outset between you and your affair partner, that neither of you will tell anyone else. If you don't adhere to that rule, then it won't be long before you are found out.

When people involve themselves in affairs, it is quite usual for them to discuss their other partner. It is not advisable to slag off the other partner, for this can often come back to haunt you at a later date. It also gives the impression to your affair partner that you want to break up your normal relationship.

Never let your affair partner meet your usual partner, because if the affair is revealed, then your normal partner feels far more hurt if they thought they were friends with your affair partner.

People like to think that they can tell if their partner is having an affair. But it is always devastating when they find out, and again it's worse if your affair partner turns out to be someone that they knew or trusted.

It is quite a thrilling sensation when your normal partner meets your affair partner seemingly by accident at some sort of social event such as a party. But you have to go out of your way not to be seen taking notice of your affair partner, to avoid raising suspicions. This inevitably upsets your affair partner, but you can always make it up to them later.

There are many ways that an affair can be discovered. Sometimes people want their usual partner to discover that they are having an affair. To successfully hide an affair one must always be diligent, and never be forgetful or sloppy. You always have to be running on full throttle, and must never stop concentrating, even for a moment.

Newton's maxim, "To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" has to become your motto. In other words, every contact that you have with your affair partner must be thoughtfully considered and then reacted to, to cover your tracks.

The telephone is probably responsible for bringing many affairs out into the open. It is best never to give your home 'phone number to your affair partner in case they are ever tempted to 'phone on the off chance that you will be in, and your normal partner out.

SAM:

I was having an affair with this girl, who went away on a skiing holiday. To my horror I discovered that she was phoning my home every day. If my wife answered the 'phone, she just cut the call. If I answered she would always say, "Is it convenient to talk?"

It never was, as my wife was always in the room, so I had to pretend that it was a wrong number. When she came back from the holiday she told me that the reason she 'phoned every day was so she could hear my voice on the answering machine.

With the advent of call-back facilities, by pressing the numbers 1471 a recorded announcement relates the number that has called your 'phone, and the exact time of the call. Most people now keep a record of all their friend's numbers in numerical order, to enable them to quickly identify who called, and when. It's very frustrating when you don't recognise the number that has called, and after a while most people 'phone the number and say "Hi - you were trying to contact me earlier." Imagine the problem if your partner has 'phoned either your affair partner, or your affair partner's partner. If that makes sense!

Never telephone your affair partner from you own home for three very good reasons. First your live-in partner may have made an earlier 'phone call to someone who was out, and not realised that you have made a subsequent one. So they press the button for last number redial. They might just do that if they were suspicious as well. The second reason to avoid 'phoning from home is that most bills are now itemised, and people do like to check through the telephone bill when it arrives.

If it is imperative to 'phone your affair partner from your home, then always calculate the cost of the call for the time of the day, and make sure that the total cost is below forty-nine pence. Any calls under forty nine pence do not appear on an itemised bill, unless it is a mobile phone. After you have made the call, 'phone anyone you want to for a chat. This covers you for last number redial.

The third reason not to 'phone your affair partner is because many people have extension 'phones installed, as Susan knows only too well.

SUSAN:

Mike and me had been having an affair for two years, and we prided ourselves on how we had managed to keep it secret for so long. Mike used to 'phone me from his office at lunchtime every day. He would always ask me what I was wearing, and to excite him I'd tell him that I was wearing some slinky underwear and was lying on the bed, imagining that he was touching me all over. I wasn't though, I was just in jeans and a T-shirt or a tracksuit, and was ironing, or watching TV, but he didn't know that. The 'phone calls always got him so worked up that they made me feel very sexy too. So after a couple of weeks, I decided it might be quite enjoyable to actually do the things that I was telling him I was doing.

From then onwards, on every weekday, I would go upstairs to the bedroom, draw the curtains, dress up, and lie in bed waiting for Mike to ring.

It all came to a horrible end. My husband Dennis was a sales representative and unknown to me had come home early as he wasn't feeling very well. He had presumed that I was out shopping, and he picked up the downstairs 'phone to cancel his afternoon calls. At first he thought that he had a crossed line, and I think he was quite enjoying listening in. After about fifteen minutes of Mike and I "doing it" on the 'phone, he suddenly realised that it was me. There was a big row, and then it all had to come out. We are now divorced, and I lost Mike as well, because he decided to finish the affair in case Dennis told his wife. All this due to a bloody extension 'phone.

Mobile phones are a notoriously insecure method of communications, as some members of the Royal Family have discovered to their cost. The problem with mobile 'phones is that anybody with a scanner can listen in, and even record conversations. This opens you up to possible blackmail. Text messages can also expose an affair.

DUNCAN

I was having a purely sexual lustful relationship with a girl twenty years younger than me. We text each other all day. Smutty and suggestive text. I hid the 'phone behind the light in the shower, no way would my wife take the light cover off and look in there. I was out with this girl when my wife needed to contact me and rang my mobile 'phone. She dialled the number and could hear my mobile upstairs and went to investigate. She was rather surprised to find it in the bathroom. Because of where I'd hid it, she was naturally suspicious and looked at my text messages. And there they all were, all in graphic detail. That was the end of the marriage.

You must delete all text messages as soon as you receive them, and delete all your sent items also.

Also, as previously mentioned, all calls on a mobile 'phone are itemised on the bill. The best advice on 'phones is to be very careful, and use public 'phones when communicating. It's inconvenient, but it's safer.

Letter writing is very dangerous, as there is always the chance of someone discovering the letters. The only safe way to write a letter to your lover is to post it to an understanding friend of theirs. But people who are in love are sentimental, and they like to keep the letters. Where do you hide them? Nowhere is safe. Any letters, notes, cards etc. must be destroyed. If you keep them they probably will be found, and they can even be used as evidence against you in future divorce proceedings.

Illicit lovers are very tempted to send birthday or Christmas cards to each other, hoping that they won't be noticed by your normal partner among all the others. Don't be fooled, as they will be noticed. Of course, there is one time of the year when you can get away with it, and that is on Valentine's Day. As they are supposed to be anonymous, you can always make the excuse that your mum/dad/sister/brother have often sent one to you before, as a joke.

The weather was nearly responsible for bringing one affair into the open. Jim was having an affair with a girl called Rita. Rita lived in the same street as Jim and Jim's wife.

JIM:

My wife was always up by 5 a.m. to go to work. I waited until she went to sleep, then I slipped out of the house and went to visit Rita. I had to be back before my wife woke up, and there was one classic occasion where as I crept back into the bedroom and had my trousers round my ankles, my wife put the light on and said "Well... you're up early this morning." "Yes couldn't get back to sleep," I said as pulled my trousers back up.

One night I slipped out to see Rita. Later as I left her house I noticed a heavy covering of snow had fallen. It was beautiful, so still and so quiet. I trudged up the road back to my house and was just going to insert the key into the lock as I looked back down the road. There was a perfect trail of footprints in the snow, going from Rita's house right to my front door.

There were no other tracks in the snow, and my wife was going to be up and out in twenty minutes. I had no option, as it was a very quiet road and I knew there would be no passers by at this time in the morning. So I spent the next ten minutes running up and down the road leaving false trails to nearly every house in the road. I was freezing cold, and the snow had soaked my shoes. My feet felt like blocks of ice. That was close.

Sometimes your usual partner loves you so much that they will go to great lengths to give to you a sign of that love. Mary was going away for a weekend on a management course. Mary gave her husband Tony the details of the hotel that she was staying in, in case he needed to contact her about the children.

MARY:

I could see Tony and the two kids in the rear view mirror waving goodbye, as I drove off on the two hundred mile journey to the hotel. I loved Tony lots, and I felt a bit emotional as I left them behind.

The course consisted of two nights in the hotel. After dinner on the first night, I was sitting in the bar when one of the others on the course came over and offered to buy me a drink. His name was Gavin. I noticed Gavin earlier, he was one of those men that just made you feel all gooey inside. We had a few drinks, and I just felt overwhelmed with desire. As we went upstairs he asked me if I would like to have a night cap in his room. So I did. He said that if I wanted I could stay the night with him. I really wanted to, but because of Tony and the kids I thanked Gavin for the offer and went alone to my own room.

The next day we had to work together as a team, and by the evening all my principles and morals had flown out of the window. I thought that if Gavin didn't ask me to stay the night with him, I would throw myself at his feet and beg him. After dinner we retired to the bar and had a few drinks. I suggested to Gavin that perhaps he would like to come up to my room for a night cap. Well, that was that. We were like animals.

Tony had decided to pay me a surprise visit. He asked his sister to look after the children, and got on a coach in the early evening. He arrived at the hotel just before midnight. He showed identification to the hotel receptionist, and told her that it was our wedding anniversary, (although it wasn't), and that he had made the journey to give me a wonderful surprise. She gave Tony a keycard to my room so he could let himself in.

It was quite a surprise for all concerned.

An affair in an hotel is always a very high risk. There have been many stories about celebrities, and even the odd Member of Parliament, dying in an hotel bed with someone else other than their normal partner beside them.

Taking photographs or videos of your affair partner is not recommended. One tends to forget what's on a roll of film until it comes back from the developers. And on videos it is sometimes impossible to erase previous filming, or you forget what is on which video tape. George had invited a few friends around for a party, but the party broke up earlier than George expected.

GEORGE:

Christine was a neighbour and she and I had been having a steamy affair ever since I got married to Tracy, four years previously. Tracy and I put on a party. Some of the lads knew I had a few blue movies, and pestered me to put them on in the back room, so I did. They usually watched them quietly, but this night there were lots of shouts and cheers. I was talking to Christine and some other friends in the front room when Tracy decided to investigate what was going on in the back room.

There was a terrific scream, and Tracy flew at Christine and at me with a bottle. We managed to get out with just a few bruises. As I stood outside my house wondering what had happened, the bedroom window smashed open as Tracy started hurling everything out of it. By then every had decided it was probably best to leave. One of my mates told me what had happened. They had come across a video of Christine and me making love.

Well, that was it really. What could I say? That was the end of my marriage, at that point. I was certain that I'd erased that particular video, but obviously I was mistaken. Worse still, I saw a very grainy copy of it a few years later at someone else's house. I couldn't believe it! I knew it was me and Christine, but no one else did. I stole the tape that night and burnt it.

But I know there must be lots of other copies around somewhere, which will no doubt come back to haunt me every now and again.