How to Have an Affair

Personal advertisement columns can be found in most magazines and national and local newspapers. Magazines like Private Eye accept adverts from people who are looking for affair partners. The wording is always quite explicit. Respondents are made aware that the advertiser is looking for a discreet affair, and if either happens to be in a steady relationship, or married, no problem. This is a safer way to carry on an affair as you are not trying to hide the relationship from the people within your normal social circle. Both of you are also aware of the rules from the start.

Computers can be used in various ways to advertise your wants. Hidden messages can be left on your intended target's monitor, and messages can be passed to each other through computer office mail systems. Now with the advent of e-mail, one can communicate with anyone, anywhere and any time as long as they are also connected to the internet.

Currently in America, a husband is suing his wife for a divorce on the grounds of adultery. He claims that his wife had an affair over the internet. She never met the person that she was communicating with.

If you wish to have an affair with someone that you know, you have to find a way to make your intentions known to that person. But it has to be done very carefully, and in such a way that your invitation can be declined without losing a friendship.

One method that can be used is to find a go-between, and tell them about the person that you are interested in. You are hoping that they may drop a hint to your intended affair target. This can, of course, have the opposite effect, as Samantha was to find out.

SAMANTHA:

I moved into a new area. A few doors further down from our house lived this wonderful man, who I fancied like hell. The problem was that he was married and so was I. We met a few times at parties, and I kept trying to think of ways of making an approach. I decided to drop some heavy hints to another neighbour, hoping that she would be able to find out if he was interested.

It turned out that she was a close friend of this man's wife, and she told the wife that I fancied her husband. I was rapidly frozen out of the social scene. Fortunately, we had to move soon afterwards.

Various techniques can be employed to see if there is a spark. This is known as testing the water. It's all about giving subtle hints.

You normally meet your potential affair partner in a social situation like a party. One should employ a cat and mouse technique, but make full use of body language. First you must use reverse psychology and show that you are not interested at all.

The cat and mouse technique is very easy to master. In a social situation like a party you can get away with much more than you could, say, at work. Approach the person that you are interested in with a huge smile and make sure that you give the impression that you are brimming with confidence. Direct eye contact is very important. If it is possible, take a physically submissive position. If your intended target is sitting on a chair, then you should sit on the floor or crouch down by their feet. You will be considered as non threatening, which is exactly the feeling you are wishing to give to your intended target.

For a limited amount of time, make your target feel that they are the most important person in the room. Don't talk about yourself, ask questions about them, and if they try to ask you direct questions, then steer the conversation back to them. After only five minutes, get up and talk to someone else, preferably another intended target.

Yes, you are teasing. You are showing great interest in someone, and then trying to make them jealous as you talk to someone else. You are not trying to pull them that night, that's why this technique works. If your first target is interested, you will notice during the evening as you scan the room that you will keep making eye contact.

But keep cool. As you are leaving at the end of the party, find an opportunity to touch. But only briefly, and preferably just a quick squeeze of the hand and a flash of eye contact. Sometimes it is better to leave the party quietly, and without letting your target know that you've gone.

When you next meet this person, it is time to move to phase two. Again take the physically submissive position, but talk for a little longer, although not for too long. You will need to establish some definite common ground for a reason to see each other again. One well-worn path is to find some music that your target would like to hear, and offer to record it for them. This establishes possessional territory. In other words, once you have recorded a tape and dropped it off to your intended target, they are now in possession of something that will constantly remind them of you every time they play it.

When you deliver the cassette, don't wait around. If you are invited in for coffee, refuse. Make some excuse, remember you are still playing hard to get. When you meet for the fourth time, you now have some good common ground to converse on. If the intended target says that they haven't had time to listen to the cassette, it's time to back down. They are obviously not that interested in you. If they were, just the thought that you had recorded the tape for them should have provided enough excitement for them to want to listen to it immediately, and as often as possible.

The cat and mouse technique is a safe non-threatening way to discover whether your intended target wants to have an affair or not. By recording more tapes, or lending a book, you are constantly increasing the frequency of visits and slowly moving into a position where an affair could arise.

When you are ready, be careful how you make your proposition. There is the classic story of a male singer called Jed, who suspected that Jill, a female singer in the same band as he, was interested in having an affair with him. Unfortunately Jed over-estimated her intelligence.

JED:

I needed to ask in such a way, that if the answer was in the negative, I would still be able to save face. After taking some advice from another band member, I 'phoned Jill, and suggested that she might like to come over to my house to practise some harmonies. When Jill arrived, I was freshly showered, and had my best aftershave on, and I was in my dressing gown. Jill went into the front room and discovered an open bottle of wine and lit candles on the main table. I announced that this was the way that I always practised, it set the right atmosphere, I said. After a couple of hours of working together on harmonies, I called a break, and made Jill some coffee. While we were drinking the coffee, I said to Jill, "I expect that you have heard the rumours." "No, what rumours?" asked Jill. "Well..." I said, "all the members of the band have been saying that the way you and I work together on stage, there is an obvious sexual chemistry, and they all presume that you and I are having an affair." I rushed on, "I know it's silly, but hypothetically speaking, would you have been interested?" The idea behind this approach is that if Jill was to say no, then this leaves me to laugh it off, as a silly band rumour, and I could remind Jill that I used the word "hypothetically," and to cover myself further I could say "I'm glad that you said no, because I wasn't interested either." If Jill was to say yes, then my next line would be, "Prove it!" However, in this instance it didn't quite work out. Jill didn't know what the word 'hypothetically' meant. The following day she informed the rest of the band that I'd told her that I wanted to have an affair with her. Worse was to come. Later she demanded to know which band members had been spreading untrue rumours about her and me. The band had been going for years, but this botched pass resulted in the break up of the band.

You should be able to tell if an affair is on the books much more easily than Jed. You must look for all the obvious signals: the touching, the closeness, and the off the cuff remarks. It's important to keep up contact in many different ways at this point; send a personal message on a birthday card, make a surprise visit or arrange a surprise meeting, record another tape, or lend another book. Look for situations where you can be together, and alone. But again, just for a very short time.

Remember you are still playing the cat and mouse game.

Allow your intended affair partner to make the decision for you. Try to make it easy by always giving subtle hints. Talk about how much you like to go for walks in the countryside as the sun is setting. You are leaving room for a response such as, "Why don't we sometime?"

Talk about other passions, cinema, opera, classical music, or even a rock band. Always be on the lookout for positive signals. But still don't rush. Gently decline the first invitation, giving some excuse why that particular date is not convenient, but suggest they 'phone with an alternative date. If you haven't heard from them over the next couple of days, telephone on some pretext and suggest another date.

But be non-committal; don't forget that you are still playing hard to get.

When you find yourself in the position of starting an affair, life takes on a dream-like quality, it feels unreal, and in the excitement of the first few weeks no one thinks about how it is all going to end. In fact you don't consider there will be an end.

If possible, you should try and make some rules before the situation gets beyond control. The rules are for the starting point only, and can be changed later as the situation changes.

You should make it obvious from the start that you are embarking on an affair, and nothing else. You are not prepared to leave your normal partner, and you don't expect the person that you are having an affair with to leave theirs. Of course, you can always change your mind.

People are used to the way you smell. If your affair partner uses a different type of perfume, or aftershave, your normal partner will notice straight away. The odour lingers for days in a car, or on your clothes. This is easy to deal with. Ask your affair partner which is their favourite perfume/aftershave. Then tell them that it just happens to be your favourite as well.

Go out and buy two bottles of the perfume/aftershave, and give one to your affair partner, and one to your normal partner. Your affair partner will wear it every time you meet, because you bought it for them. Problem solved.

If you ever go for the very high risk strategy of having your affair partner in your own bed, always wash the sheets, duvet cover and pillow cases, because people can tell by smell alone if someone has been in their bed. This should also remove any trace of stray hairs, but to be doubly sure, vacuum the house as well.

By vacuuming the whole house, you end up with two rather useful benefits. First, you feel rather pleased with yourself as you now have a lovely clean dust-free house. But more importantly, you are conducting an inch by inch search which should uncover any unwanted alien items such as earrings, cufflinks, buttons, handkerchiefs etc...

A special warning here about contact lenses. If your affair partner wears contact lenses, they inevitably travel around with a small laboratory, which consists of bottles filled with chemicals, Bunsen burners and so on. So check the bathroom with a fine-tooth comb, and also check all the wastepaper bins.

CHAPTER 4: WHERE?

Where you meet, and how often, determines the risk of being discovered. You should not meet at each other's house, for example. By keeping to that rule you will avoid the spine-chilling sound of a key being inserted in a door, while you are lying in someone else's bed with someone else's partner.

Never meet in local pubs or clubs; you will always meet someone you know, or someone who knows your partner. Always try to meet away from the area that you live in, and not in public places. Even when you meet far away from the area that you live, you can never be assured that life won't conspire in some way to trip you up. This story illustrates the point.

JOHN:

John was married and lived on a large council estate. He was having an affair with Janice, a married woman who lived in the same town, but on a different estate. John arranged to meet Janice in a small country pub thirty miles out of town for a romantic evening meal. It was very quiet in the restaurant, which suited John and Janice, and was one of the reasons that they decided to go there for a meal. At the end of the evening they both went back to their respective partners. The following evening John was questioned by Wendy, his wife, about the previous evenings activities, and John made the usual excuse of working late. What John didn't know was that a friend and neighbour of his wife - Joan - was also having an affair. Joan had been in the same restaurant the previous evening with her affair partner, and they were at the next table. Ironically, she was incensed that John was cheating on Wendy. So Joan told Wendy everything that she had seen and heard. This example goes to show that you are never really safe.

Persons involved in an affair are always looking for some sort of excuse to spend some time away together in a distant town. This enables them to have a night or two of passion, and then spend a day or two in a place where no one knows them. They can walk around the town, arm in arm, and for a while act like any other ordinary couple, without the fear of being discovered.

The first problem is booking into an hotel. It is best not to book in advance, as the hotel may 'phone to confirm the booking details. When you find an hotel you will be asked to sign the register, so to save any embarrassment, decide on what names you are going to use.

If you are going in under the names of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, this could cause problems when you go to pay with a cheque or credit card in another name, unless of course your name happens to be Smith. Hotels are used to women signing in under their own name in these more enlightened times.

All hotels know that many couples that stay are having an affair. They don't mind, as long as the bill is paid. David is a night porter at a central London four star hotel.

DAVID:

Yeah, you can always tell those who should be together and those that shouldn't. If a married couple come to stay you'll find them wandering around the hotel separately. He'll go up to the room with her, and then she'll stay up there while he goes to the bar for a drink. She'll join him for dinner, and she'll just look into space while he'll probably read the paper. They don't really talk or touch. After dinner she goes on up to the room, and he stays in the bar until it closes. Then you get the other ones in. He's usually a lot older than her, she's all very pretty and made up, always high heel shoes, and her eyes are just... well you know, sparkling. They can't wait to sign in, and get to their room. They always look sheepishly at each other when they sign the register. They always arrive at the last minute for dinner, just in time. Then they spend the whole meal looking lovingly into each other's eyes, and talking and touching, and holding hands. Just like lovesick teenagers.

The following morning, they normally miss breakfast, and when they do appear, they look happy, but knackered.

The best way to pay your hotel bill is by cash. That way no record of your stay will appear on a bank or credit card statement. This also allows you to stay under an assumed name, and a false address which can be very important, as Nigel found out.

NIGEL:

I told my wife I was going to an old friend's funeral, and what with the children and the pets, it would be better if I went alone. Anyway it was late November and Newcastle would be quite a drizzly sight this time of year, cold and wet. To top it off she had not known Roger, my best mate at university, so there was no point in her going. She agreed. I picked Anne up that evening, and we drove down to Devon and booked into a hotel over looking the sea. We stayed two nights. It was wonderful, it was magic. Two weeks later my wife opened a Christmas card that was addressed to Mr & Mrs Raunton, that was us. The card had a picture of the hotel covered with snow, on the front, and inside it said, "Dear Mr. & Mrs. Raunton. The staff and management of the Hatfield Hotel wish you both a very merry Christmas, and a happy New Year. We trust you both enjoyed your visit with us on November 28th & 29th, and we hope that you will visit us again in the near future." That wasn't one of the best Christmases that I'd ever had, the New Year wasn't much better either.

Try and avoid taking your affair partner to any official functions, as this can cause unforeseen circumstances as Derek can well testify.

DEREK:

I had to go abroad to a conference, all expenses paid, but my wife didn't want to come. I was having an affair with a girl called Annette, so I took her. When I got to Denmark I introduced Annette as my wife. Well, who would know here? I thought.

Two days after I arrived back in England, my wife received a huge bouquet of flowers, and a card thanking her for presiding so graciously over the conference. Whoops! After that the handcuffs went on, and the wife never let me out of her sight again. Needless to say, the affair with Annette came to an abrupt halt.

Many affairs are conducted wholly or partly in cars. This can cause unforeseen problems, as the following story illustrates.

ANNE:

Thursday night was my night out with the girls. My husband Alan accepted that, and stayed in to look after the kids. To start with I was in a ladies pub darts team, but after a while I noticed this gorgeous looking bloke eyeing me up at every match. I got chatting to him, and then this led on to Scott and me having an affair. I still pretended to Alan that I was going out playing darts every week. Scott used to pick me up from the pub and then we would drive out into the country and find a field somewhere.

Sometimes we drove to a wood which had a kind of picnic area. It was a very popular spot for courting couples late at night. It was quite funny to watch the cars rocking back and forth, and to hear the grunts and groans of pleasure from the couples inside. One very hot August night, Scott and me were sitting in the front of his car, smoking a cigarette after making love. All the cars had their windows open as it was so hot, and we were being entertained by the couple in the car next to us. All we could see was a man's bottom going up and down. It was quite spotty. Suddenly I had an awful feeling. I recognised it! It was my husband's!

My first thought was to get out of Scott's car, and drag Alan off the woman, and scream and shout and hit them. Luckily I remembered that I shouldn't be here with Scott either. I slid low into the seat and told Scott to drive out quick. When I got home I found that Alan wasn't back, but he had booked a baby sitter. I introduced myself and quizzed the poor girl about the arrangements. She said that Alan had been getting her to baby-sit for the last six months! I paid her the money and waited for Alan to come home, which he did, exactly as the clock struck eleven.

I realised that I always got home about twelve, and when I came in he was always asleep on the sofa. No wonder! He was surprised to see me home so early, and said that he had had some urgent business to attend to, which is why he had to go out at the last minute. I couldn't tell him what I knew without exposing myself, so I told him that I had come home early because I had a bad headache. I made a few inquiries and it was revealed that Alan had been carrying on with this woman for six months. Furthermore, the baby sitter was Alan's woman's younger sister. It didn't take long for everything to come out into the open, and that was the end of our marriage.