by Zorel
This needed another draft to polish grammar and description. Clumsy lines that jarred such as 'Her and I waited'; 'spread her legs a wee bit more'; 'we both lay down, tits to tits', spoilt any sense of an erotic atmospheric build up. The story itself is fine. Just needs some more work.
IM ..... GONNA ..... CUMMMM ..... (OHHH YES!!!!! IF ONLY I HAD A NOTHER GIRL TO BLOW ME LIKE THAT I WOULD NEVER LET HER GO)!!!
So erotic, simply beautiful. I love stories like this. The blue eyed brunette goddess making love to a red headed, green eyed angel was just wonderful. And the choice of their clothing cannot be outdone: it went so well with the setting. I don't think I'll read anything that even comes close to how sexy this story was. Great work, babe!
This story was so erotic, I could almost have been there. The way you build up to the unleashing their pleasure is pure talent. The descriptions of texture and smell really brings the story to life. I will definitely be looking for more of your work.
Keep it up!
Scoobie
Thank you for your helpful comments and feedback Ed, Fred, Pat and Scribbles. I feel a little silly voting for my own story, but I don't see a way to leave a comment for all of you otherwise.
~Zorel~
zorel, this is wonderful. i love the way you build the anticipation in this piece and the wonderful attention to the setting and details. you have a keen eye for setting a scene and i admire that.
ed
Unlike the previous commenter, I think this was HUGELY "hot", simply because, as he says, "it wasn't very hot". It's the subtlety that raises the temperature, not blatent porn, and I loved it. Thank you so much for a delightful vignette, which I have downloaded for future pleasure. I have noted your nom de plume, and will look for more of your stuff. It's super. FRED./
I wished i could have been there she looked beautiful and so luscious to look at .
Pat Murray
Atlanta,Ga.