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Click hereShe brushes my hair at midnight
Silver silk tent
And with each comforting stroke
I yearn for more
In the softness of the moonlight
I give to her my mane
I offer her my crown
As she moves
like a cat
around this chair
Silently sitting
holding me captive
with her eyes
Bittersweet torture
As her fingers part this plait
Swiftly feel as agile digits
Dextrously explore
Sufficiently enough to be precise
How I want her to caress
How I want more
Than mere functionalism
How I want her
To brush out my demons
And untangle my dreams
Straighten my thoughts
And let me shine
You've captured a moment, a desire, a want and in a very lovely manner.
I am no critic and thus can offer only my feelings. I thought it was lovely and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nice work.
You have captured an intimate moment and given it life.
I do agree that it would read easier if the line I give to her my mane was edited to I give her my mane, then it would mirror the line after.
But it is a great piece even without the change. Keep up the wonderful work.
Thank you, dear, a lovely and real sentiment, well expressed. A wonderful image - hair brushing. Primal and sensitive.
Roxanne
A poor poem. Too much around "me". "Let me shine" is particularly pathetic.
Poor language, e.g. "I give to her my mane". Word "this" occurs twice, and it is awful on both occasions. Several adjectives weaken the effect by plying and stuffing the reader with unnecessary words--Ezra Pound would say that these adjectives "dull the image". Etc, etc.
Another excellent write.
And I second suggestions below
Of one possible way
You can tighten it up and
Improve the feel and flow.
Your poem has been mentioned in the New Poem Reviews thread. http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?p=16005013#post16005013
Come say hello on the poetry board. :)