All Comments on 'She brushes my hair at midnight'

Another great poem, Una! Killer ending lines!

I do think it could use some trimming in areas.

Example:

You wrote:

In the softness of the moonlight

I give to her my mane

I offer her my crown

As she moves

like a cat

around this chair

Silently sitting

holding me captive

with her eyes

Maybe:

In the softness of the moonlight

I give her my mane

and offer my crown

As she moves like a cat

around this chair

silently sitting

holding me captive

with her eyes

(just a suggestion)

Thank you for sharing and keep writing! :)

Your poem has been mentioned in the New Poem Reviews thread. http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?p=16005013#post16005013

Come say hello on the poetry board. :)

Another excellent write.

And I second suggestions below

Of one possible way

You can tighten it up and

Improve the feel and flow.

A poor poem. Too much around "me". "Let me shine" is particularly pathetic.

Poor language, e.g. "I give to her my mane". Word "this" occurs twice, and it is awful on both occasions. Several adjectives weaken the effect by plying and stuffing the reader with unnecessary words--Ezra Pound would say that these adjectives "dull the image". Etc, etc.

Thank you, dear, a lovely and real sentiment, well expressed. A wonderful image - hair brushing. Primal and sensitive.

Roxanne

You have captured an intimate moment and given it life.

I do agree that it would read easier if the line I give to her my mane was edited to I give her my mane, then it would mirror the line after.

But it is a great piece even without the change. Keep up the wonderful work.

and still beautiful

I am no critic and thus can offer only my feelings. I thought it was lovely and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nice work.

You've captured a moment, a desire, a want and in a very lovely manner.

i can relate

and that is all that counts for me!