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Click hereIn a school I knew so well,
a boy I loved so swell
Came and took my heart form me ,
now he wants to set it free
He met a girl that he didn't know,
and told her that he loved her so
One day he sat her on his knee,
and told her the things that he once told me
I went home to cry in bed,
not a word to my mother was said
My father came home late that night,
and searched for me left and right
finely through the door he broke,
to find me hanging from a rope
"Oh daughter daer what have you done,
you killed yourself for one mans son"
He got a knife and cut me down,
and on my dresser this note was found
Dig my grave and did it deep,
marble stone from head to feet
At the top please place a dove,
to show the world that I died for love.
Welcome to Lit
With this promising write.
I'll send you suggestions,
One possible way to improve;
Tightening it up would also help
And watch for that spelling
The better the verse, the more it distracts.
you asked and since I have a moment.
You tell a fine story in your poem and use some nice language, but, I think you stretch for a rhyme sometimes, forcing the line to fit into the meter of your pattern.
I liked what you've done, anyway, and hope to see more of you on the poetry forum. Someone eager to learn and develop their style is always welcome, in my view.
Thanks for sharing, Roze. We'll see you again soon.
Carrie
Wow. Leaves me a bit speachless.
I was not expecting, but then again
the title shoulda told me, eh.
I loved your meter and the imagery
came through crystal clear. The dove
... the nail in the coffin.
Nice write here Roze ~