All Comments on 'Too Much Player Piano'

Damn, this was good! I love these lines below. Without punctuation in certain places, it worked out very well. I almost feel you purposely did this. Excellent poetry!

thinking for you, the piano you'll never

learn to play, the keys you'll never

tickle because they are too laced with tacks

and you are too afraid

bar's hot enough to wring sweat from

black hearted eightballs

too fast too loud too much

too tired to think straight

in the New Poems Review thread at Literotica's Poetry Feedback & Discussion forum

Characteristically sordid and weird! Powerful emotion, D.A., though it seems a little rough, yet. I think you can do more with the line breaking to enhance some imagery-- consider this strophe:

draped on a stool

i am damp laundry and

half drunk pitcher beer

broken like this:

draped on a stool i am

damp laundry and half drunk

pitcher beer

... which allows you to emphasize you and your condition instead of the stool and the beer.

Worth playing with.

Fly

Lots of high impact stuff, in need of polish.

The phrasing is good enough to warrant editing, even mini-editing word by word, to make it even crisper.