Little Girl

wow

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of one of his Saints. Sleep peacefully ~ Little One.

Touching words!

and so very moving. the imagery really tugs at me......don

and heart breaking good.

This is so beautiful and heartfelt, Sack. I could hear the inherent sadness, especially around the last few stanzas. Very evocative.

I write to say how beautifully simple and moving this piece is. Beautiful and poignant.

The tears won't stop. Lovely work, sack. Beautiful and evocative. ~Imp

It has hung with me for a day and a half now. The poem is not vague, each stanza is clear and distinct, each refrain is haunting. The progression drew me into the delightful images, the fading trail of this young girl, the forboding refrain snapped me back. I could feel what was coming and yet the images calmed me.

To a point, I was completely enthralled in the way you subtletly, without overt sentimentality drew me into the incredible tragedy here.

The poem then shifted in its form and here is where I am torn... I keep asking myself, should the poem have ended with the line "weren't you little girl?" should it have simply deleted the four lines following your last refrain? Or should it end exactly as you ended it?

The first time I read it I moaned... he ruined it, slid into overt sentimentality that he so deftly hinted at during the beginning of the poem.

The next time I read it, "My doll that sleeps" was shocking in its intensity and I thought... perfect.

Then I read it again and hated the ending, read it again and loved it. I now wonder if perhaps it is the presentation of the dedication, if you maybe simply said "for Hally B." after the title.

One thing is certain, I saw something special in the subtleties here and it made me feel the intense emotion without the sing song sentimentality that destroys many poems of this type. By keeping yourself seperate from the poem until the very end you made it that much more real for me.

Don't let this poem settle into the bowels of literotica, I think you need to find some literary journals and submit this poem. They may address some of my questions about the ending, or maybe not. I think they will receive this poem well.

Nice work.

jim : )

and well written.