he might have said

This poem was mentioned in the Archival Review thread, in a picking through Lit's archive of over 36,000 poems.

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A series of emotional snapshots

Read and felt

Like looking through fresh eyes.

I read it yesterday several times, tears in my eyes, remembering the first and last time my parents ever put me on a rollercoaster. You are so very very good anna. So very good, reading you is like an out of body experience.

I just wanted to let you know I did read this, just didnt know what to say yesterday, really I still dont!! except marvelous imagery, emotional imagery, I want to just hug you both

~~ maria

what my 'she' might have said. This poem really grabs the gut and holds it from the first word to the last. Wonderful work anna.

In a way, I agree with the rainman, about the linebreaks.

This may be an example of the wrong being right:

"not the candy not the"

cannot think of breaking it more effectively for the mood.

This may be too much, for what you want:

"it’s okay baby

it’s okay baby

it’s okay baby"

Consider taking off the first and third "baby"

so much so many of us could say

so hard so when so you so this

so take my breathe away

gasp gulp gleam and glean

what it is your working at

me I need another read

and glad I am for that

It reads like a typical families day at the zoo, in the bouncy castle, told from the toddler’s perspective.

There's a lot going on in this poem or so I feel. I've read it numerous times now, and this is my take on it:

There's happiness but it's been taken away. Mother is trying to soothe you?? There's screams, something going on and it's very loud, scary for you both. It's over. It's over. It's okay. Fire, fire, fire. Hot! No, it's not over. It'll never be over. There's too much pain. You wanna go back, but you're weak and afraid. Numb, unsure. Shit, I'm really confused, aren't I?

I tried. Just damn...

I saw your post on the "line breaks" thread, and laughed.

If I ever saw a poem where linebreaking was irrelevant, this is it. This is about mood and fear and looking over your shoulder for safety - the poetry is in the breathlessness, the frantic search for who knows what.

I don't even think place and time and meaning are very important here either - this is all about air being stolen from my lungs when I read.

So I suggest you not worry too much about linebreaks (the crazy linebreaks actually help here, I think) nor fret too hard about the reader understanding what it means -- This kind of poetry is about reaction, period.

Nightmarish, frightening and frighteningly effective.Better not explained or overanalysed .My response is much more emotional than rational.I cannot say I like it, that would be too pallid but it but it compels one to read it .

i know what i see in this poem - i wonder if it's what everyone else sees lol. interesting use of repeated language here. i often don't like repetition but this one seems well done.

I'm intelligent most of the time - or at least I've been graded so, but I really don't grasp the complete meaning.

I do like some of the feelings that rise up from it, but I'm working seriously hard and still not fully getting it. I want to! Even taking Eve's suggestion to think on the title...sigh. It's mainly the first strophe.

If it's any consolation, whenever I write pieces that are perceived as 'above' other's heads, I'm told readers are lazy, they don't want to work so hard at a poem, or else they'll drop it without reading more.

I'm going to read it again - 7th time slowly and maybe I'll be enlightened.

rc

Anna, this is amazing. A very powerful poem so perfectly put together I'm not even sure what to say.

So I'll say this: send it in.

::

I'm not even going to suggest a tweak. I wouldn't dare!

Really gets the sense of anxiety and pain. Lovely job.

bb

I just read this poem and I feel like all of the air has been knocked out of me. I am too weak to continue standing, but there is no place to fall.