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my Unia left me for good
my Unia was no good
i told her in a thousand ways
i love you
she told me in a million ways
i don't
i told her you can't have it both ways
she went the other way
every day and every night
my thoughts go back to her
but she will not come back to me
my Unia left me for good
wh,
2006-01-29
'i told her you can't have it both ways
she went the other way'
the combination of these two lines 'sounds' not quite right. i think it is the mismatch of the beats per line (what is that ... the metre?) the other lines in the poem seem almost equal to each other, but this stanza is 'too different'. this may be exactly what you intended as it seems to give emphasis. i like the unity.
the repetition is growing on me.
i know what feels missing to me though. there's no concrete images for my mind to conjure up. again, you possibly intended that.
thank you for making me think.
wso
*not using the thermometre
it feels solid, but unevocative.
I like the spare style, but think it could hold a bit more than just the shrug of the shoulders transfered from writer to reader.