The Short List

The party had been a good time. Once you get to a certain age you still know how to go nuts but it has more to do with blowing off stress than anything else. Booze and pot are no longer these new things to overindulge in so you don’t get yourself sick yet still the vast majority of you are feeling no pain.

Cheryl and I had been platonic roommates for about two years now. It was the kind of situation that’s common in New York: rent being what it is most people have roommates so they can afford to live and as long as you don’t drive each other to murder then it’s a good fit. Cheryl and I had actually grown to be pretty good friends which made life even easier. There was no need to label whose food was who’s in the fridge and it was nice to have someone to talk to after a bad day at work. She had also confided in me that it although it was a little awkward sharing an apartment and a bathroom with a man at first she could no longer imagine living with a woman. “Men are so much easier, no cattiness and I don’t have to worry about my clothes going missing.”

Nothing ever happened, nor as far as I knew ever would, between Cheryl and I. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a knockout. She stands around 5’ 5” and carries around 120 pounds of a tightly packed dancers body. There had been nights after working on some girl in a bar only to go home empty handed that I could almost smell the lilac shampoo that she washed her auburn hair with. I’d manage to drive the thought of her out of my head but as I came sometimes the thought of pulling out of her pussy and spilling my load across those pert 36 Cs would come flooding into my mind. But we were roommates after all and ‘don’t shit where you eat’ are words of wisdom. I can honestly say that we were good friends and we had never had a single moment of sexual tension.

As I had said, the party had been a smash. Pretty much everyone had left feeling mellow to varying degrees. Two of Cheryl’s old friends, Maureen and April, had decided to crash rather than take the train home at 3 in the morning to Brooklyn and Queens respectively. No one had gotten themselves too messed up and there was plenty of blue sky in our minds but we had been partying and I guess our judgment was still partly cloudy.

“You know what I haven’t done in forever?” Maureen posed the question before answering it herself. “Watch a porn movie. I kinda feel like watching some. Ian, why don’t you break out some porn?”

I was a bit shocked. Not that I thought it was strange that Maureen wanted to watch porn but that she thought it would be fun to watch it with all four of us in the same room. Cheryl and April didn’t seem too fazed by the request either, I guess considering what I normally do when I watch it I’m not to used to watching it with company.

When I just sat there is stunned silence Maureen didn’t back away. “Come on, you must have some.”

Then April chimed in: “Don’t be embarrassed, it’s not like we’re not going to assume you masturbate, everybody does. Why should you feel ashamed about having porn? Let’s just smoke a joint, chill out and watch a titty flick. It’ll be fun.”

My face was burning. “I’m not em… I, I don’t feel ashamed about having porn, I just, I mean…” I was stammering.

“Oh I’ll get it.” Et tu Cheryl? “It’s not like you hide it, it’s right here with the rest of the DVDs. Relax, it’ll be fun.”

I stared at my shoes blushing and grunting out an embarrassed chuckle as Cheryl grabbed a few titles from my not-so-stashed stash. “So what’ll it be, Titty Fuckers VI, Blowjob Fantasies VII shot in first person p.o.v. or the all girl favorite Where The Boys Aren’t XII?”

“Oh, oh, titty fucking, titty fucking!” Maureen was having fun with this bouncing up and down on the couch. April was a bit non-plussed with her shenanigans as it was making it hard to roll her joint.

“Put on the lesbian flick Cher, Ian’ll probably be a little more comfortable if we’re not dragging his kinks across the room.” April was always the empathetic one.

“Hmm, I have to admit I think booby sex would be a bit more of a giggle but you’re probably right. It would be fucked up if we thought it was funny.” Cheryl dropped a rather uncomfortable thought in my lap with that one. “Besides it is his porn and we owe it to him. He’ll probably feel a little better about the situation if we’re not cooing over some big ol’ porno star cock.”

April passed me the joint she had just rolled. “Fire it up, it’s only fair.” I shook my head, still bushing, and chuckled that sort of chuckle you can only muster when you’re beaten. “Oh relax, it’ll be fun, you’ll see.” April was trying her best to reassure me as Cheryl plopped the disc onto the tray and turned on the television.

The weed rekindled the fading high from the night’s festivities. That, combined with Cheryl and Aprils best efforts to calm me down were working so I just sat back and decided to go with it. I passed the joint to my roommate as the movie started in earnest with five top shelf porn actresses daisy chained on series of beach towels laid out on an expansive lawn.

“Wow, is this what you watch when you jerk off, Ian?” Maureen, always the wild one, was definitely not pulling her punches tonight.

“Damn Mo, don’t feel like you have to be tactful, just say what’s on your mind why don’t you?” April was defending me.

“Sorry. Jesus, it’s not like we don’t all know he does it, I just want to know if this is the kind of thing that gets men off?”

“Nah, it’s cool. Just chilling out watching a titty flick right?” I was definitely feeling mellow by now. Besides, she was fair game now and I planned on asking her some face blushers too. “Sure, I’ll watch this, maybe something else. It depends on what I’m in the mood for.”

“So, you’re like, all hard now?”

“Me?” I wasn’t exactly raging, but I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be caught naked in the state I was in. “It doesn’t really work like that.”

“What do you mean?” April was curious now. “Why do men watch porn when they jerk off if it doesn’t get them aroused?”

“That’s not really what it’s for. You don’t watch porn to get you aroused, it’s more like a visual aid when you’re already aroused.”

Cheryl’s turn to pose a question. “So you get horny and watch porn to help you get off. Why lesbian porn then? Wouldn’t the first person stuff enhance the fantasy?”

April decided to answer it for me. “But guys like looking at naked chicks and lesbian porn is wall to wall naked chicks, right?”

“Exactly.”

Maureen got up and ambled over to the entertainment center. “Now I’m really curious, I wanna watch the blowjob one.”

“Be my guest.” I was kind of enjoying the attention now.

The chapter selection screen came up by the time Maureen was sitting back down. She took a pull off the joint, handed it to April and grabbed the remote. “Let me see if I can guess your favorite scene.”

“Go for it.” She scrolled through the options and selected a scene I have to admit had gotten the job done many times. A petite brunette and a redhead with huge fake boobs and glasses passing a cock back and forth. “Close, but no cigar.”

“I thought that was every man’s fantasy, two women giving him head.” Cheryl and April were mesmerized watching what it looked like to see another woman give head but I could see they had their ears perked for the answer to Maureen’s question. They were working under the same assumption and no doubt wanted to know what one woman could do that would arouse a man more than two.

“Okay, fast forward to the end of this one and you see the guy finish himself off. I never understood that. Here’s two women giving you head and that’s not going to get you off? Now skip ahead to the next one and see if you can figure out why a guy might like it more.”

Maureen hit the chapter forward button and The screen faded into a leggy half white, half asian chick who had had a lot of work done. She had huge fake tits and tons of collagen in her lips, and it looked like she had a bunch of work on her face as well. She did a little dance a stripped pretty slowly staring into the camera the whole time. When she was down to her panties she breathed into the camera “I can’t wait to wrap my lips around your big, fat cock.” Then she got onto her knees and crawled between the legs of a guy wearing a pair of jeans. She unclasped the belt, yanked open the button fly and proceeded to give seven minutes worth of searing head. Saliva ran down her arms and hung off her elbows in viscous ropes. She was masterful to the point that I had to shift in my seat. Even the three girls were riveted to what they saw.

“Wow, she knows what she’s doing, but what makes that more arousing to a man than two women?” Cheryl asked.

“Well first of all, and let me preface this by saying I would never look twice at a chick in real life that has had that much plastic surgery, but you have to look at it in context. This chick turned herself into a living, breathing love doll, almost as if she exists for no other reason than to get guys hard and get guys off. The concept is pretty hot when you think about it. Then look at what she does: she strips for the guy, tells him she wants to give him head, then blows him like a champ, not to fast, not to slow, very sloppy. She keeps it in her mouth but strokes whatever’s not. See her cheeks all caved in? She’s sucking hard. Then she puts on a show, pulling it out and licking it, stroking it and talking dirty, she even puts it between her tits, which is a real turn on for a lot of guys. Then look at the money shot, she blows the guy until he’s about to cum and she does it for him. Sure the facial part is a little unrealistic, I’m sure in real life it would be better if he came in her mouth, but it’s porn and you have to take what you can get.”

They all seemed to agree and were clearly fascinated by the nuts and bolts about what it is in porn that gets a guy off. “Wanna put on the booby sex one?” asked Maureen, “I promise we won’t laugh.”

“Sure, I’d be interested in you guys reaction to it anyway. I mean I know why I like it, but I can’t figure out why a chick might be into it.”

I threw on the DVD and April offered her opinion. “It’s not hard to see what a woman might get out of that. You get off on getting your partner off. So in a lot of ways it’s like giving head. But again it feels good to have your breasts played with so I can see how some women might even prefer to get titty fucked than give a blowjob.”

Cheryl saw a flaw with that logic. “But then again if a guy cums like that it’s going to get all over your face and neck, I’d rather have him cum in my mouth.”

“What’s wrong with having a guy cum on your face?” April’s defensiveness was revealing. “It actually feels pretty good, it’s all warm and thick, like a hot mud mask or something. You like that, don’t you?”

Cheryl and Maureen gave a nod of agreement as the scene selector came on. Maureen went right to the two chicks scene. “This I’ve got to see. I can understand how two women can give a guy head but how does he titty fuck them both at the same time?”

The scene opened with a blonde and a latina with large fake tits sitting on the edge of a bed talking about how much they loved getting titty fucked and having a man cum all over their faces, your standard porn scene warm-up dialog. A man approaches from off camera and the blonde strokes him a little before he proceeds to place his cock between the latinas lubed up boobs. She squeezes them around his cock and he thrusts between them, then the camera pans out to reveal the blonde has climbed between her legs and is giving her head. This made Maureen squirm in her seat a little and I decided to turn the screws on her.

“So Mo, ever been with another woman?”

She paused before answering. “Thought about it, never did though.” She looked down the couch at April and across to Cheryl and posed the same question to them. “How about it, you guys ever munch a rug?”

There was a long silence before they looked at each other, blushed and laughed.

“No way!” Maureen shouted in astonishment jumping up to her knees. “What the fuck, you two? When? Spill it!”

“Well,” Cheryl began, “you know how it is in college, you experiment with a lot of stuff.” She looked clearly uncomfortable continuing in front of me.

I wanted to hear this too. “Well? You had no problems pulling my sexuality into the light of day, fess up.”

“Oh, I’ll tell them,” April declared. “We got our hands on some weed. We’d never smoked it before and really wanted to try. So there we are all high and totally unprepared for what it would do to us. All of a sudden I realize how horny I am. Now I’ve never even thought about women like this before but I just got this huge urge to eat pussy.”

Cheryl figured the cat was out of the bag anyway so she continued. “She looks me dead in the face and asks if I ever wondered what pussy tastes like. As stoned as I am I started laughing but at the same time it starts me thinking about it. I decided I might as well find out. Then somewhere in my pot-addled brain I manage to logic out that if I’m going to try it, it might as well be with someone I trust.”

April stepped back up to the podium. “She gets this look in her eye, you know that glazed look she gets when she needs to get laid and she’s stalking some guy. Anyway, she gets this look, we’re both sitting on the floor, and she starts crawling towards me. She says ‘Yeah, right now I’m really wondering what your pussy tastes like.’”

Cheryl is cringing with embarrassment but April plows on. “She kisses me and starts squeezing my tits, by now my pussy is just dripping.” My hand was on my cock which was now raging hard, but luckily I realized this as the three of them were completely caught up in this heretofore untold secret and managed to pull it away unnoticed. “Then she yanks off my sweats and starts giving me head. I don’t know if it was the weed or what but oh my God I came so hard. I swear she was the best head I’d ever had. But anyway when I came to I had kinda come down to earth and, well…”

“You chickened out, you bitch.” Cheryl meant it playfully, but she clearly was disappointed at the lack of reciprocation. “Do you realize how horny I was?”

“I know, I know. We were roommates, remember? I felt so bad listening to you in the shower the next two days.”

“Two days?” I was astounded. “That kept you that wound up for two days?”

“Hell yeah. Let’s see how you react when it happens to you.”

“It has. A few times.”

“Oh my God, seriously? What happened?” It was strange, they were treating me like one of the girls. I’d been around my share of locker room talk but I have to admit women put men to shame. It felt good to be able to be as graphic as I needed to be.

“Okay, for example, there was one chick I dated while I was rebounding off a four year relationship. We had been all over each other for three straight dates. Finally she throws this little party on the roof of her parents’ apartment building. Everyone is gone and we’re going at it again only this time we’re not in a bar so we can take it as far as we want to. I work my way down and by the time I’m kissing her belly button I can smell her. I put my hand on her crotch and she’s soaked through her jeans. I yanked off her pants and spent a good half hour going down on her, she’d been driving me up a wall for two weeks and I just couldn’t stop. She must have cum like four times, she scratched my head up so bad I had to wear a hat for a week. So she starts shuddering and pulls me up out of her crotch. We made out for a little bit while she winds back down and she slides her hand into my pants. She starts caressing my cock and all of a sudden she yanks her hand back. ‘I can’t do this,’ she says.”

“And weren’t you ready to kill?” Cheryl asked me.

“Yeah, but I went home, stroked one out and was done with it. I wasn’t uncontrollable for two whole days.” That seemed to be slightly over the line. Cheryl wasn’t angry but clearly a little embarrassed by it as evidenced by the ensuing silence in which everyone’s attention turned back to the porn flick that was still running in the background.

Maureen broke the silence with her usual aplomb. “Let me ask you this, how do guys managed to keep it up watching stuff like this? Don’t you feel a little weird watching a cock like that?”

“A cock like what?”

“That thing is huge. In fact almost all of these guys are hung like horses. How would it make a guy feel if he doesn’t measure up?”

“I don’t understand, I mean yeah these guys are big, but they’re porn actors. They’re supposed to be a little bigger than the average guy.”

“A little bigger?” Maureen was aghast. “I've never even seen something close to that big.”

“Oh come on, there’s got to be somebody you’ve seen that big.” The three of them stared at me with varying degrees of incredulity, all three giving me a slow shake of the head indicating in fact no, there is no such thing as the average mortal man with a porn star cock.

“You should know, you’ve been in men’s locker rooms, you’re telling me all the cocks you’ve seen have been that big?”

“I’ve never really had an opportunity to make a comparison.”

April didn’t believe me. “Are you trying to tell me that all the times you’ve been in a locker room you’ve never looked at another man’s cock? Women totally compare their shit all the time.”

“Look, it’s not like I’ve never seen another guys junk, of course I have, but we don’t exactly walk around sporting huge boners in the locker room.” The reality of the rest of Aprils comment hit me as I was finishing mine. “Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean women compare their shit all the time?”

April tried to explain. “Sometimes you’ll be discussing it, like ‘look at her boobs, you think they’re fake?’ or whatever and since the topic’s been raised you’ll start comparing. Like when Mo got her boobs done we all wanted to see and we wound up comparing busts.”

This was news to me. I turned to Maureen, “Hold on, you have fake boobs?”

This must have been somehow comical as all three of them burst into laughter. Cheryl let me in on the joke. “You should have seen her when she was twenty. She had maybe a small B.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.

“Nothing’s wrong with having a B cup,” Maureen explained. “You should see Aprils tits, she’s got a B and they’re spectacular.

“Well then what prompted you to get a boob job?”

“I was wearing a lot of padded bras and I didn’t like they way they looked. You have to be blind not to notice if a girl’s wearing a padded bra. So I went and got those chicken cutlet things like they put on actresses that need to have bigger looking boobs for a part. When I realized I was wearing them every day I figured why not get implants? Now I love having a huge rack.”

April chimed in with her opinion. “Yeah, she got a really good boob job too. They’re much better than those big ol’ sacks of saline.” She was pointing at the screen. On it there was a man with his cock sliding between what I thought were some good looking fake tits.

“What’s wrong with those?”

“Oh my god,” all three in unison. April continued. “Dude, everything is wrong with those. The main problem is that she went too big. If you go from tiny to huge they’re gonna look fake. The trick is to go up one size, then it’s hard to tell. Maureen went up to a solid C, which is exactly what Cheryl has and you can hardly tell the difference. I mean you can feel them and everything and the only way to tell is to squeeze them.”

“Wow, I can’t believe you’ve never seen a good pair of fake boobs.” Maureen looked thoughtful for a second. “I’ll make you a deal, you can check out my tits if I can see your cock.”

“Wait, hold on a second here, I think we’re getting a little carried away.” Cheryl was a bit unnerved by the thought of me taking out my cock. I wasn’t so sure about it either.