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- The Rules of Fidelity and...
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Click hereThe Rules of Fidelity and the Price of Honor
An author on this site recently posted a story in which the wife had an affair. The resolution to the story was that she fell in love with the man she had the affair with but gave him up in favor of her husband. The affair was never discovered and it haunted her that she had to choose between her loves. Many of the comments on the story focused on the fact that she did not get discovered. The husband didn't get revenge. She wasn't outcast and destroyed.
The point of this story, however, it seems to me, to be about the personal consequences not the public ones.
The lady chose to begin an affair that divided her loyalties to her husband. She in the end was forced to choose and give up what became a great love for the sake of her commitment to her husband. Any affair has the potential to become a loving relationship(unless the participants are psychopath/ sociopaths).
We as a society have "embraced" (for lack of a better word) the idea that you can only love one person at a time. This is tripe. TheHEARTwantsWHO theHEARTwantsWHENEVER theHEARTwants it. It does not care much about what the intellect has to say about it. We are by nature a social species and as such we crave attention and affection from others. Some people narrow their focus to a single person forever. Hurrah! Great for them! I hope they are happy.
Others find this more difficult. That is why we have so many failed marriages today. I do not advocate having extramarital affairs. To me a marriage is a covenant, a contract, a sacred oath that is given toBIND A COUPLE TOGHETHER AS ONE. That oath is a personal one and isNOT to be broken. If you are not ready to give that kind of commitment then you are not ready for marriage. I'm told that I was born in the wrong century as I feel that when you give your word you keep it. End of discussion! It's that simple. It is a matter of personal honor. Honor in the old sense that you do what you promised to do no matter how distasteful you may find it. No matter that it costs you something you truly desire.NO ONE can take our honor but we can surrender it. Once it is gone it is hard, if not impossible, to get it back.
We as a people seem to have forgotten that what sets us aside from the beasts is that we have the ability to reason and therefore to choose. We also, due primarily to that fact, are in a race of passions for control of our bodies. Lust, anger, joy, despair, and a myriad of others all seek dominion of our being. A man or woman can look at another man or woman and appreciate his or her beauty without the need to drag them off and have sex with that person.
The trend today, however, is that if it feels good at the moment do it. If nobody knows about it then "No harm, No Foul". This is an incorrect assumption for most of us because with the ability to reason comes the birth of the conscience. The certain knowledge that what we do can hurt others in terrible and tragic ways. Once you are in a monogamous committed relationship (YES marriage IS a committed relationship!) Then you have agreed to give up all other loves, lusts, etc. in favor of your partner. Are you allowed to feel the pull of these things? Yes of course. Are you allowed to act on these things?NO! No exceptions. Any action taken on these feelings is a betrayal of oneself. It is a violation of your promise, your oath, the surrendering of your honor.
Outside of a marriage, in other relationships other lifestyles are quite prevalent as well.
Those engaged in the swinging and swapping lifestyle have a different commitment. They have agreed to allow others into their lives and relationships but not their hearts. They have agreed to share their bodies with others outside their partnership. This is also acceptable. But all too often people forget the rules in favor of the joys of the moment. Again tragedy strikes and people are hurt. The relationship is damaged beyond repair or destroyed outright.
Most marriages fail because people stop talkingTO one another and talkAT one another. They stop caring if what is being said and felt is being heard and felt by their partner. That is the beginning of the death of a marriage or relationship. If at anytime it becomes a one sided effort then the chances of surviving as a couple, as a marriage are nil; a marriage as well as a relationship takes two to make it work. When only one is trying then they tend to give up and look for that type of caring elsewhere.
How often have we heard it said "It was only once?" "It didn't mean anything!" "They meant nothing to me!" And yet it or theymust have meantsomething to you to throw away a precious thing like a marriage or a committed relationship in order to have them in your bed. And for those who didn't get caught and feel guilty the cost is even higher because until you have told your partner about it then you have no commitment, no true relationship. All you have is the lie that stands between you and your loved one. With every passing hour the lie lives it becomes more unlikely to that the couple or marriage will survive as such.
The most common excuse for not telling a partner is "They'll leave me!"Well DUH!You knew that going in that an affair it might cost you the person you loved. And yet the loss of their love is not even the greatest of losses. The loss of that person'srespect for you, the loss of theiresteem, and the loss of theirregardfor you, the loss oftrust is the greatest loss. For without these things love dies. It cannot flourish in a barren environment and these are the food that love needs to grow and thrive. Without them there is no chance for love to survive.
So if you know the rules to personal honor, and the rules to a relationship, why do we so often fail? I don't have that answer. I have never violated the rules of a relationship. I have never been married. But I keep hoping one day to find the special person for me who also knows these rules and is willing to abide by them.
- COMMENTS
Anonymous3 months agoThe heart wants what the heart wants, best play the field when unmarried. If your a wife or husband get your head out of your ass bitch. Anyone who cheats doesnt love their partner no matter how much shit they say and do.
moralcompassabout 5 years agoThe sooner we as a democratic society change the No Faults Divorce Law the better. There are no other contracts, we commit our signatures too, that are taken with such scant regard.
If I owned a vehicle, you would not be allowed to drive my vehicle (even if you had a key) without my permission. Even if you only did it once. Even if it didn’t stop you from loving your own car. You just did it for the thrill and to see what it was like to drive someone else’s car. It would still be considered theft, you would be breaking the law, if caught you would be made to suffer the consequences.
If I had a business partner with whom I had a written contract to conduct business with, I could not then start jointly working with a third party, cutting my partner out without suffering contractual and financial penalties. The law simply would not allow it. A marriage should be treated no differently.
I know marriage is a verbal contract and not a written one and perhaps there lies the root course to the problem. Perhaps a written contract mounted on the bedroom wall of every married couple might be a great reminder of what is required under the terms of the contract. Penalties could also be stipulated on the contract almost like a prenup. A penalty might be the wronged party receives 50% of the guilty parties’ joint assets in the divorce settlement.
I wonder how many would-be philanderers would think twice before embracing someone other than their spouse?
Anonymousover 5 years agoI have the answer: selfishness! What I want is more important than anything else. It is all about ME. You are right that it takes two working together to make a relationship work. When one of them decide that MY WANTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT, the relationship is no more. The only way a relationship works is if both partners assume that the other's wants and needs are more important than their own. I know it works, I married my wife at 19 and that was 57 years ago. We still stay in bed every morning for a while just to be close and cuddle and TALK to each other.
detroitdave
Anonymousabout 6 years agoOne of the choices to make is to stay out of temptationms way. there are a lot of attractive temptations out there and it is a choice to let them develop or not.
The heart is affected by attitude and input.
Anonymousover 9 years agoYou, of course, are entitled to your opinion, but if you've never been married you can't possibly understand the mechanics and logistics of the relationship. You assume that the person committing the adultery has chosen to "throw away the precious marriage". Maybe the marriage wasn't so "precious" before the affair?
I understand committment and vows and the whole damn concept behind marriage, but after 30 some odd years, my wife turned into a hateful shrew, who can find little good about anything, or anyone, including and especially me. Sure, I know the comments will follow that I'm a cheater and don't deserve her esteem, But, her ill temper and contemptuous behavior started long before I fell in love with a woman who also loved me. Plus, my wife has no idea of my infidelity, so her behavior is not in retaliation. And no, I don't intend to tell her. BTW: By mutual agreement, after eight years, the woman and I ended our relationship.
The subject at hand here is far too broad to be discussed easily here. There have been countless books written on the subject of infidelity and the reasons for such. There are as many reasons for it as there are relationships, because each is like a snow flake - no two are alike. And that goes for both the marriage, and the adulterous arrangement. I will venture to say, and I speak from experience, there is usually more than one reason which leads someone into the arms of another. Some, of course, in many circumstances, and I'm sure it was the writer's intent to convey, are less noble than others.
I am not a sociopath, so yes, I do harbor guilt, but on my death bed I'll regret more that I didn't leave my wife to be with the woman I fell in love with, than I'll regret having the affair in the first place. There is no honor staying with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you, just because you took some vows when you were too young to know better.
Anonymousover 11 years agoSeveral of the commenters have claimed that the author's opinion is invalid because he has never been married. But this could not be further from the truth. The essay is one about morality. Society's moral views on a subject do not solely depend upon those most involved. Think of the legislative implications of what you are saying. Should only restaurant owners determine food safety laws? Should breweries decide on the drinking age? The fact of the matter is, society depends upon the interaction of varying social interests. The married represent a valid interest, but so do the unmarried. The two are equally valid.
Anonymousabout 12 years agoI agree completely. In any other dealings, a contract is a contract. It is enforcable. At one time in this country verbal contracts were upheld as well as written ones. Honor was respected and expected. In this "New Age" there is very little honor and it is not respected. Take the example set by the last 20 years of our own governmett. Contracts are written only to be broken. Standing up for what is right, just, and honorable will get you lauged out of most any type of relationship.
Again, thank you
count2threeover 12 years agoYou have postet the dumbest comment have read in a long time, and I am a regular guest in the Loving Wifes Section. Spectacular Achievement!
size14shoeabout 13 years agoThe heart us a muscle. The heart doesn't have emotions. It's hard to take an essay seriously that speaks of a muscle "wanting" someone or something.
VickieTernover 13 years agoApart from matters of trust, honor, contractual obligations, etc, all civilized and all, but alas, inadequate except for reference, I think that like Bonobos, swans, pigions, and some other species we are hard-wired for monogamy, BUT also like gorillas, penguins, etc we are hard wired for variegation in partners season after season, or outright alpha-male, top-dog polygamy. In different degrees for each of us. Which is why the greatest single cause for brutality against women is male sexual jealousy -- it short circuits all thought or care for loved ones and consequences, truly blinding. A male WILL not unwittingly share his mate or raise another man's seed. As witness most kneejerk responses here to infidelity stories ("KILL THE BITCH!" in various surrogate forms is always the majority respose, even among real life milquetoasts, the rage real even though the bitch is fantasy fiction).
And the reason why is evolutionary -- in the absence of a village, tribe, herd, school, gaggle, etc to help raise kids, a well-teamed mating pair is essential given the long period of helplessness of our young. If she's sexually active at all (say from age 15 to her probable death age 35 on average until the 1800s), the female is assigned by her biology to be pregnant, nursing, or caring for small children (since she has to hang out home anyhow). This works best if there's a dedicated male bringing home the bacon and defending her from predators. Thus stereotypical sex roles, characteristics, etc, enforced by hormones (in various ways and degrees in each of us, we are NOT assembly line uniform but "chance variegated" as Darwin said). The rest is how our civilized consciences and intellects reconceive the imperatives, as mandated by law, contract, God, principle, or an essential expediency (Trust lost is indeed near-impossible to rebuild).
Our shifting social groups and mores, the lack of nearby extended families for most, above all effective contraception -- for only the last fifty or hundred years of the past 60,000 we've existed, think of it! -- has opened this situation up and renderede fantasy fears and solemn affirmations of commitment all the more consequential. Which is why I think the best of these stories raises our awareness of the issues way higher than kneejerk "Kill 'er!" or pious "Do the Right Thing" can approach. These are difficult matters to be treated with the greatest care and sensitivity, with different resolutions -- even if only "make do" and "best of a bad bargain" -- for each.
studebakerhawkover 16 years agoI enjoyed your essay and share your views on honor and commitment, but I'm absolutely fascinated by the range of reactions you drew from your readers. I am particularly amazed by some of the sweeping assumptions being made. The idea that ANY political party has cornered the market on fidelity, commitment, or honor is pretty much mind-boggling in it's absurdity. TRUTHFUL, HONORABLE POLITICIAN is roughly equivalent to MILITARY INTELLIGENCE, CONGRESSIONAL ETHICS, or JUMBO SHRIMP. Likewise, I'm somewhat nonplussed by the assumption that the author's views on marriage are compromised by the fact that he has never married (I highly recommend it, by the way). I suspect that many (most?) of the married, monogamous, and faithful among us found their views on fidelity reinforced by their marriage, rather than reshaped by it. Likewise, what difference does it make HOW he got here? Does reading/writing erotica invalidate his opinion? If it does, would it not similarly invalidate YOUR opinion? Thank you, Landrious1 for an educational and entertaining experience
Anonymousover 16 years agoJust checking...
and for the record, you sound just like a Marine or five I have known....
man, don't most of "Us" all sound alike?
the difference is not in the talk we talk, tis in the walk we walk!
Keep on keepin' on!
former Marine and literotica lover
Anonymousover 17 years agowho rated at 50% have a large amount of personal issues. The anti-conservative, pro-choice, pro-death penality for anyone who opposes them like conservatives etc, and is opposing the "bleeding of Iraq". The US is spending hundreds of billions of dollars we don't have to end a terrorism base and give the Iraqi people a chance (where this morphs into the US bleeding Iraq I have not figured out). The 50% of brains commenter who has nothing to show his/her/its point that the men who want to stay with their wives and their wives to stay with them (not the drug peddler down the street) are mostly abusers. Do you have anything in statistics to prove this or even hint of this? I would really think that most of the abusers would tend to be hard drinking, drugging types who are totally unfaithful to their vows.
I do agree that the wedding vows given before God are sworn to be permanent and binding on the couple. If soemhting so major has changed that there is not love (except self-love) and no intent to be faithful, I can live with a seperation or a divorce. PS I am another one of those Anon readers.
