Skipping the Turkey Baster

"Morgan, I've ...been thinking," Josh blurted, "Have you come up with a donor yet?"

"No," she paused, holding her breath. "Why? Have you?"

"Maybe," he swallowed hard. "Most of the stipulations are fine, but the deadbeat dad part is hard to wrap my mind around...You said it was okay for him to be in the baby's life, but what exactly does that mean? Birthday cards, controlled visitation?"

"Well," Morgan replied softly," It would depend on the father. I mean, most donors don't really want to be part of the child's life, not in any great way like building a full relationship. If he did want to, that would be fine but I want custody of the child. Full custody. We'd have to draw up some kind of legal agreement, spelling everything out..." She heard Josh's soft breathing on the phone. "Why, who do you have in mind?"

His voice sounded small. "I was thinking that I might be prepared to do it."

"What?" Morgan whispered." Her heart skipped a beat. "Oh my God, Josh, you'd really do this for me?"

"No," he said quietly. "I'd do this for us!"

Oddly his words brought a sense of calm to her. She smiled into the phone. "Do you want to come around later to talk?"

***

Morgan tossed and turned in bed trying desperately to shut her mind off from the thoughts that were racing through it like an express train. Josh had left hours ago, but still his decision was about to change her life irrevocably. She had never dared hope that Josh would volunteer to help her, but she was eternally grateful he had. She had always loved him on some level. Not as a woman might be in love with a man, or another woman, but she loved him dearly and it seemed almost destiny that he was going to father a child for her. Strangely when he spoke of it, his deep blue eyes lit up. It was as if he too needed this, needed the opportunity to create another small part of himself. Something that would have his blood and spirit coursing through it.

He had been just as firm though as Morgan. While he could accept her need for custody, he wanted to be a part of the child's life. He was not doing it as a nice gesture to help her out. Morgan smiled in the darkness as she recalled his words, " This is not a be- nice- to- lesbian- day where I breed without emotional or financial costs and simply be content to have my lineage reared at a distance by doting females. That's not what it's about." He had agreed to them drawing up a legal contract giving her full custody, but with the proviso that he had visitation rights and reasonable access to the child.

It was easier for Morgan to agree to, easier than she had anticipated, but while Josh spoke, the genesis of an idea she'd had, blossomed forth and spilled from her lips.

"I know this is unorthodox for people like us..." She hesitated and a pink tinge flushed over her cheeks, "And I would never have even imagined it with anybody else, but we know each other well, care for each other..." She paused and then blurted it out, "Do you think it might be possible to... to try and conceive this baby normally?"

"Normally?" Josh said, his eyes widening. "You mean, as in do the deed? Have sex? Fuck?"

Morgan's cheeks flamed. Jesus, she was acting like a stupid virgin. She got technical and tried to let logic speak. "Well, the success rate on clinical insemination is not great, maybe a fifteen to twenty percent success rate, whereas maybe doing it conventionally during my fertile time is better..."

Josh shifted uncomfortably in his chair. This was one aspect he hadn't considered. It wasn't that Morgan was unattractive, and he'd had plenty of heterosexual contacts before he'd met Ben. But this was seven years later, and Morgan was his best friend. Shit, regardless of whether he could even still perform with a woman, this was bound to change their relationship and the idea of duty sex was anything but arousing. "Morgan, I don't know..."

Her heart slammed against her ribs. Truthfully, the idea frightened her as well even though it seemed the most likely to be successful. Although Josh was a good looking guy there were never any sexual vibes between them aside from an occasional flirt and an openness to talk about their relationships. But now, for one night, she had to see him differently, as a man with a cock who would put that cock into her. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea after all.

"Okay," Josh said breaking into her thoughts. "Maybe we can try it conventionally once, but if it doesn't work, we go the artificial route."

With sleep eluding her Morgan sat up in the bed, plumped up the pillows and flicked the switch on the small bedside lamp. It threw a soft glow over the bed and nightstand. Her eyes came to rest on a small photograph of Lynn who smiled happily from her frame, blue eyes shining with adoration as the wind blew back her highlighted blonde hair. God this was going to be complicated, Morgan thought. Complications she had never ever thought of came to mind. Like the possibility of losing both Lynn and Josh. Lynn, because maybe she wouldn't support the idea at all, or because of her anxiety of how their relationship would be after the baby. And Josh? God knows what he would actually feel like when he laid eyes on the baby for the first time. It was a cliché, she knew, but you could never know how you were going to feel about a child until it was physically there. Would he end up hating her for denying him full rights to his child? She glanced at the time on the clock radio, 3-25 am and her mind refused to shut down. Christ, problems always seemed insurmountable in the dark wee hours. She would talk to Lynn tomorrow, make her understand; make her see how important it was to have both her and a baby in her life.

***

Morgan poured Lynn a glass of wine when she arrived at her apartment the following evening and casually unpacked Lynn's favorites; huge seedless grapes, clam chowder and dark chocolate rum truffles as she casually mentioned her discussion with Josh.

"You actually want to do this?" Lynn exclaimed, visibly startled.

"Yes, and Josh is perfect. He'd be a good father for any child, and he's promised to be involved but stay at a distance. He had a physical exam for work last week and is HIV negative, "Morgan said animatedly, "I couldn't hope for better and you know how much I care for Josh as a friend."

Lynn's face rippled with concern." Yeah, but how do you know a couple of years down the line he doesn't try and get custody? I think it's better to have no contact with the father."

"No way, he'll never do that. He's given his word and we'll sign preconception papers in front of a lawyer, get a proper contract drawn up."

Lynn paced the room like a lawyer, looking for loopholes going over the logistics, the precautions, arguing, debating. 'I don't know," she muttered at last. "I'm still worried. I guess I would prefer you to think on this a while longer. It's not as easy as you think. Your life will change. This is a major decision."

Morgan smiled and held Lynn's hands in her own. "I know this is life changing," she said softly. "But I'm thirty four years old and I want this. I want a baby, my baby." She paused for a second. "It won't take anything away from us, I love you too much, but I need to do this for me. I want you to be here forever, but I know I can't expect you to take on this responsibility. I know you have a career, your own plans, but I'd be so happy if you'd at least support my decision."

"Oh shit!" Lynn grumbled, "You leave me no choice, I suppose. She hugged Morgan and mumbled into her hair, "Christ, now I'm headed towards being a Godmother."

Morgan laughed, but she braced herself for Lynn's reaction to her next comment. This was going to be the hardest part.

"There's one last thing," she said softly.

"Yeah?" Lynn's tone was wary. The look in Morgan's eyes had alerted her.

"I'm not going to go the artificial insemination route, you know, the do it yourself kit or the clinical insemination. Not at first anyway..."

"Fuck!" Lynn spat bitterly as the realization dawned on her. "You're going to sleep with him? Jesus! I don't believe it, Morgan, thousands of lesbians conceive without fucking the guy. What's your problem?"

The look of betrayal in Lynn's eyes spoke in louder volumes than her words. A wave of guilt washed over Morgan, but she stood her ground.

"We've agreed to try naturally once and I hope to God it works." Morgan blinked back the tears that had sprung to her eyes. "Please Lynn is the notion of wanting my only child to be born out of care and closeness rather than some cold clinical, contrived exchange of body fluids so bad?" Imagine one day having to tell a child they were conceived from dad's jerk off spunk and mom's big syringe? God, that's awful shit for a kid to digest. It sounds like some laboratory experiment with rats or guinea pigs. I really don't want that. Please..."

"Whatever," Lynn shrugged. "It's your body, your life, your decision." She gathered her jacket and bag.

"God, Lynn! This is not about phallic worship, you know that! Not after what I've been through."

"Yeah," Lynn said cynically, as she reached the front door. "I do know, and that's why I just can't understand this."

The slamming of the door resonated in Morgan's ears. She and Lynn had never had an argument like this, one which looked so impossibly difficult to resolve. Tears spilled from Morgan's eyes but she wiped them away angrily. She was a survivor. She could do it, alone if necessary. She could do this. She reached for the telephone and dialed Josh's number.

"I'm ready to move on this."

"You talked to Lynn? She's okay?"

"No, she's uptight, but we're going ahead."

"Morgan," Josh said soothingly, "Don't rush this. Get things sorted out with her first. Relationships are important, don't blow it. There will be time later."

"I don't know if she will ever accept this..."

"You mean the sex?" Josh sighed, "I don't have a problem with the mayonnaise jar, remember I haven't been with a woman in seven years..."

"Oh shit," Morgan said, "What a fucking pathetic pair we are. Me, the divorced ex-escort turned lesbian and you, the never quite straight guy with the string of female conquests but the one true male love." She heard Josh's soft laugh on the other end of the receiver. "But we're going to try making a baby the conventional way. I'm ovulating next week."

"Damn, so soon?" Josh said with a nervous laugh, "I'll have to up my intake of Vitamin B and pumpkin seeds!"

"Great, come for dinner on Tuesday night. I'll cook."

***

Morgan paced the living room, threw a couple of pillows from the floor onto the couch and transferred a pile of magazines to a chair in the kitchen just as the buzzer sounded. She felt her heart leap to her throat. She was tingling with nerves. It had been one thing to plan it but a completely different thing to go through with it. She had dressed casually in black jeans and a white tee shirt that ended just above the waistband. Her hair was drawn back into a ponytail.

"It's me, can I come up?" Josh said.

Morgan buzzed him up and then ran back to the kitchen, turned the heat down on the pasta, stirred the meat sauce, added some more oregano and tried to steady her breathing. She felt drained and anxious, Lynn had refused to take her calls all week and somehow the whole idea felt as if it were spiraling out of control. She glanced in the hall mirror, shook out her dark hair and nervously applied some lip gloss as the doorbell rang.

He was casually dressed in khakis and a blue open necked shirt that accentuated his eyes. Morgan couldn't help but notice the way he looked her over and she felt a twinge of self consciousness. Maybe the short tee shirt showing a glimpse of her flat stomach was too blatant. After all, this wasn't exactly a date. "You look nice," he said as he handed her a bunch of long stemmed yellow roses.

"Oh my God," she gasped staring at the perfect blooms. She couldn't remember the last time anyone had given her flowers. The sweet gesture touched her deeply but she tried to make light of it. There was enough pressure already, no need to go and get all emotional. "They're gorgeous," she said smiling, "but you really shouldn't have Josh – you know I'm a sure thing already."

"Yeah," Josh said producing a bottle of wine as well, "but I figured flowers and wine ought to do it for both of us." They both laughed and the tension was broken.

"There's a bottle already open on the counter," Morgan said. "Pour yourself a glass. I'll check on the food, it's just about ready."

She got out a cylindrical glass vase and dunked the roses in with water as Josh spun a stool around at the counter and poured himself a glass of wine. He watched her whip up vinaigrette for the salad. "What can I help with?" he offered.

"Nothing, everything's done," Morgan said quickly as she grated some Parmesan, "Well, later, you're going to help..." She felt silly and awkward for saying it but it was almost like a much needed reassurance for her. They ate dinner and sipped their wine slowly. The conversation was general but there was no doubt about what was occupying their thoughts.

"Everything okay?" Josh asked softly.

"Yeah," she lied. There would be no talk of Lynn tonight. She shifted in her chair and looked at him. He was her best friend, but even more than that, she trusted him. It had been a long time since she had put her trust in anybody whose gender started with an M.

The haunting strains of Sade's voice hung in the air.

"You wanna dance?" Josh suddenly asked.

Morgan looked at him in surprise. "We're eating," she stammered, "You don't have to do this, really."

"I know I don't have to do this?" Josh said scrunching up his brow. "But, I want to do this."

The music was soft and languorous, and as much as she tried to deny it, part of her just wanted to be held. Without her saying yes, he took her hand and pulled her from the chair. She wanted to hold back. Damn, this wasn't a date, but a soft, surrendering voice inside her said, "Just go with it Morgan. He's okay. You know you can trust him."

At first they just sort of stood there, swaying stiffly. It had been a long time since Josh had been this close inside a person's intimate space, and especially a woman's. She felt good, softer than he'd imagined and he let himself relax into her, inhaling the freshly washed fragrance of her hair as her head touched his shoulder. He closed his eyes and tried not to think, at least not for a while. Instead, he let himself drift to a real nice place where he felt love and hope and dreams were still there to reach for.

Inexplicably a tiny tingle raced down Morgan's spine, as Josh put his arms around her and held her close. It was one she didn't recognize anymore, feeling the strength of a masculine body and breathing in the freshly washed scent of a man.

***

Josh's breath shuddered from his lungs and his heart hammered against his chest. Morgan's lips were dry and his were too as they brushed against each other shyly, nervously, pretending that there could be a passionate and satisfying ending to this. Their mouths met in quiet exploration and Josh took the initiative pushing out his tongue to part her trembling lips, coating them in moisture. Morgan had been with many men in her life but kissing was not something she did readily. It was too intimate, and something she kept for those whom she loved.

In the dimly lit room she was feeling the beginnings of panic as her thoughts flew to Lynn and their passionate lovemaking. She tried to block the image from her mind and let her tongue merge with Josh's. Despite the conflict in her heart, she had to unshackle her feelings. She knew how to make a man feel good, she'd done it for less before and Josh was here because of a crazy conspiracy that she had created. Right now he was playing his part and all she had to do was play hers. She moved towards him, her breasts flattening against his chest as her hands moved to his waist, over his hard stomach and down lower. She heard his sharp intake of breath as she sank down to her knees. All the time she held him close, falling down his body like water in a shower.

Josh's throat was dry. His stomach was knotted tighter than a hangman's noose. He'd never felt like this. It was a combination of confused longing and utter dread. He tried to swallow as he felt the first stiffening of his cock while her lips brushed against his shirtfront and the buckle of his belt, coming to rest millimeters from the part of him she wanted. For long seconds, Morgan stayed there, her hands on the taut muscles of his bottom, pulling him toward her as her cheek lay against his pants. The material was warm, radiating the heat of what was now struggling against the tightness of his shorts. Morgan could tell he was big. Perhaps bigger than she had ever known. Suddenly a wave of fear washed over her. Soon his cock would be inside her body, crammed into places it could hardly go, and she would split herself apart for him.

Josh reached down and fumbled for the opening, freeing himself. Morgan leaned back as it sprung at her and the bottom fell from her stomach when she saw it. It was long and so thick. She breathed in the musk of his maleness and her head took flight above the steamy moment.

Oh my God, Josh," she stammered, the panic bubbling up in her voice, "I can't."

Josh looked down at her, his expression quizzical. "What's the matter? He whispered, suddenly terribly self conscious of his arousal.

"I'm sorry," she said as the tears welled up in her eyes. "I feel so stupid, but I just can't do this now. I'm so sorry."

Josh tucked himself away and tried to hide his embarrassment as he put his arms gently around her. "Don't apologize, its okay. You can't force these things. They take time and patience." But even as he said the reassuring words, he knew that no amount of either would make this happen for Morgan. Her heart desperately wanted one thing while her head wanted another. There was no way that they would ever be able to make love unless Lynn was there. It was the most bizarre situation that he'd found himself in but he would call Lynn tomorrow and give it a try. If she was not interested, Morgan would have to settle for the turkey baster method.

***

It had been a strange and difficult week for Morgan. Her evening with Josh had made her feel uncomfortable and restless and she had not spoken to him since. Whether there would ever be another attempt, she did not know. Josh had reluctantly agreed to try it once the conventional way but she had screwed up. How weird things had turned out, she thought wryly. He was the one that they were worried about. Could he get it up for a woman? Would he be able to perform? Fuck, she thought angrily, there was no problem with him from the rock hard cock he'd produced. Clearly he was more bi than she was.

But one good thing had come out of the week; she mused as she lay back and surrendered to Lynn's passionate kisses. After almost ten days of avoiding her, Lynn had called and they had patched things up. She hadn't brought herself to tell Lynn about her abysmal evening with Josh, she'd have to think about how to approach it, but for now she just wanted to lay back on Lynn's big bed, surrounded by candles and revel in her caresses.

"Baby, I've missed you so much," Lynn moaned as she cupped Morgan's breast and took the hard tips in her mouth.

"And I've missed you too, so much," Morgan sighed as a shiver of longing and excitement streaked through her body from the way Lynn was sucking her nipples. Her own hands caressed the older woman's tight body and she groaned as Lynn's tongue trailed down her belly, leaving a train of small kisses until she reached the wetness between her legs.

"Mmm, you did miss me baby," Lynn smiled as she gently parted the dripping folds of Morgan's pussy and slipped a deft finger inside. She rubbed the finger back and forth, covering it with the juices of her efforts. Morgan groaned and moved her body, responding to the thrusts of her lover's hand. A second finger soon followed the first adding to the power of her penetrations as Morgan squirmed even more at the ripples of delight that tore through her frame. Lynn worked her fingers harder and harder, finally adding a third to the mix and bringing forth a lustful cry from Morgan.