- How To
- How to Help a Sexual Assault Victim
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Click hereWhen I was in college, a girlfriend confided in me that she had been raped—by her boyfriend. It's hard, sometimes, to know what to do in situations like this, when someone you care about is in a lot of pain. I was angry and confused, and I couldn't even begin to imagine what she was feeling. She cried, I cried, and I did the best I could at the time, with what I knew.
As a therapist, now I know what to do and say—as a friend, though, those actions and words don't come quite as easily. Once it becomes personal, the situation seems much harder to respond to in a way that would be most helpful for the victim of the assault—but the statistics show that many of us will have to deal with it, one way or another, because one out of three women over the age of 14 will be raped in her lifetime.
Believe
The biggest fear sexual assault victims have is not being believed. It doesn't matter if a shadow of doubt crosses your mind—don't express disbelief. You will break a trust that may not be repairable if you do. If your friend is confused, or doesn't remember the details of the assault, just know that this is a normal trauma response, and doesn't necessarily mean that she isn't telling the truth. The FBI estimates that less than 2% of rape reports are false. This is less than for any other felony.
No Blame
I know my friend kept saying, "I know it's my fault," over and over, which completely befuddled me. A sexual assault victim will often believe it's their fault, and even if they don't voice it as a concern, it's good to be proactive and tell them that a sexual assault is never the victim's fault. Asking questions like, "Why did you go with him?" or "Why didn't you scream?" are questions you just shouldn't ask. Whatever errors in judgment she tells you she may have made, it doesn't matter—no one ever asks for or deserves to be assaulted.
Listen
Whatever you are feeling (angry, disturbed, nervous, scared, awkward, they're all normal), you need to listen to your friend. Try to just reflect back what your friend says to you (this is called reflective listening.) If she says, "I'm so scared," you can say, "Yeah, I hear you're scared." Reflecting her thoughts and feelings back to her is the most effective form of listening, and makes her really feel heard. If she gets quiet and can't talk about it anymore, that's ok—don't press her. Respect her silence as much as her words.
Empower
You aren't there to make decisions for your friend. Even if you believe she should go immediately to the police and report it, that isn't up to you. When someone is sexually assaulted, they feel as if they have lost all sense of control. In order to help her regain her sense of control, you need to support whatever decisions she makes—and let them make them for herself.
Normalize
Whatever your friend is feeling is normal, and she needs to be told that. Victims of sexual assault often have post-traumatic stress disorder-like symptoms: mood swings, changes in eating habits and sleeping patterns, distrust and fear of everyone. My friend was afraid she was going crazy! It can be a relief for a sexual assault victim to know that these are normal.
Confidentiality
Please respect your friend's privacy. She trusted you enough to tell you—don't blow it now by going to her family or a friend and telling them about the assault. You are probably going to have strong feelings yourself, but it's best to talk about it with a therapist or counselor. You can even call a rape/sexual assault hotline yourself—they are specially trained in helping with the issue.
Support
You may be angry when your friend tells you about the assault (I know I was!) You may even feel like seeking revenge against the attacker, especially if you know them. All of these feelings are normal—but your friend needs you to be the calm, rational, and reasonable port in a storm right now. If you step into the middle of things by running off to confront the attacker, you have not only left your friend alone in her time of need, you may also be causing serious legal difficulties if your friend decides to report the crime. Remember to reflect your friend's feelings, and not to project your feelings on to her. Even if you are angry, don't make threats against the attacker. Let her express her feelings—you can express yours later, to someone who can help you process them.
Resources
If you don't know what the sexual assault and rape resources are in your community, all you have to do is call information and ask for a rape crisis line. They are free and confidential and available 24 hours a day, and they will point you in the right direction. Encourage your friend to seek help for herself, but remember not to make the decision for her. You can also suggest counseling for your friend, and encourage her to seek it out. Rape hotlines should also have a list of therapists who specialize in sexual assault. If the sexual assault has happened within 72 hours, you can encourage your friend to go to the hospital to have a rape exam. You can also encourage her to call the police to report the incident. If she decides to do so, you can accompany her.
What She Needs Most
What a sexual assault victim needs most is patience and time. The journey from the pain of her assault toward healing takes a great deal of time, and involves letting go of so many fears. Don't give up on her, and accept her unique way of dealing with the trauma. Try not to give her time limits or put your expectations on her. She is her own person, and she will come to the healing she needs to, in her own time. Give her the space to do that, but always remind her that you're there for you. That's the best you can do to be a good friend.
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Bibliography
Lindquist, Scott. The Date Rape Prevention Book: The Essential Guide for Girls and Women. Sourcebooks, Naperville, Illinois 2000.
- COMMENTS
passionatefloweralmost 3 years agoFor a decade, I served as chief of a university police department. In my experience, one of the most important factors in when, or whether, a woman allowed us to assist her was the reaction of her roommate, friend, or other person in whom she first confided. Learning that someone you care about has been sexually assaulted always will be disturbing, and all the more so if/when you realize that what happened to her (or him) could happen to you. Sometimes, even often, that realization triggers a need to seek reasons why what happened to her/him WOULDN'T happen to you, and even if you don't articulate any of those reasons, the person you are trying to help and support may feel judged....and somehow responsible. No, no, NO! I can't speak for every police department, and have no desire the way things often were done in the past, but I have worked with special victims investigators-- both male and female-- who were, first and foremost, compassionate, sensitive, caring human beings, and who routinely went above and beyond what their duties required, and cared not only about justice for the victims/survivors, but also about their recoveries. The criminal justice process actually can be empowering for victims/survivors. I have stories.
Anonymousalmost 10 years agoThe gendered language mages perfect since, due to the, opening story. It expresses resentment and remorse for not knowing what to say, back in the day. Not everything has to be about gender neutrality.
Anonymousalmost 10 years agoIt will be nice if you removed the gender bias in your writing. Men can and have been victims of sexual abuse at the hands of a women. I, myself, am a victim of a female rapist (my girlfriend).
VladimirNogairabout 11 years agoThank you for this. I have actually had women come to me with something like this but I did not know what to do. Fortunately I did many of the right things by reflex but this will help if it happens again. Thank you so much for this how too.
hellequinabout 12 years agoCongratulations to John Doe and the anonymous concern trolls for getting a blackout (or close to it) on rape apologist bingo.
AmeliePoulainover 12 years agoIt happened in Hong Kong a few months ago. I was scared to tell people because of the circumstances. I was told they do not prosecute there. I never looked into it so maybe they do but I did not report it. And have told only two people besides my mother and brother. A week after it happened I was living alone in Beijing with no support system or friends and that was really hard for me. A particularly difficult way to start a year in a different country. This is my gap year between high school and college.
The hardest part was overhearing my brother talking
on the phone to my mom about it. He was saying I was overreacting.
That hurt and destroyed my trust in him. I understand he sees sex differently than I do. But can't he understand that what might not have been a big deal for him is a very big deal for me? I think that he feels bad. He was there that night and lost sight of me. I could understand that he feels personally responsible, and watching me not handle it well must have been difficult for him. However, as understanding as I can be or try to be that was my virginity and I cannot help how hard I take it or how I deal with the trauma. I didn't blame him... I just wanted him there to hold me and let me cry.
I am doing much better but I do not think I have fully dealt with this or recovered. Maybe when I go home to America I'll have the time to work through my feelings and have support from friends or family.
Anyways I just wanted to say whether inaccurate or not I really appreciated this.
:)
Anonymousover 15 years agoI feel kinda bad, having read this NOW. When my ex-girlfriend was assaulted, I did lots of stuff wrong. I threatened her attacker to no end, and probably pressured her out of her mind to call the police. Maybe it's because I knew the guy that did it, but that's not an excuse. When she didn't want to talk about it, I presssured her... I was just SO angry, especially because I still loved her. A few months later she even ended up cutting herself because I was mad at her for a different issue. Is there any way to repair the damage I did?
Aramis20over 16 years agoTo the dissenters - Do NOT think that the same process of reflective listening, encouragement and being there as a friend does not apply to male rape victims, this applies to all genders for all violent crimes.
To the Article writer - This is as close to perfect advice that can be given. I just want to thank you - I shall be certain to be pointing people your way.
Anonymousalmost 17 years agoI am currently dealing with having been "date-raped" by my boyfriend. It's good to know that the way I'm feeling isn't outragous. I might give this article to the few people I've told about it. It might be good to write an article for those dealing with being sexually assaulted, for those individuals (myself included) who don't want to go seek professional help.
Anonymousalmost 18 years agoShould as a friend, A person try to get the victim to write down as much as they can remember so details are not lost incase of a report later? or is making them "relive" it in thier mind just too cruel?
Mark2almost 18 years agoOne thing I just have to say is that I object to the website equating top marks on the writing with a little red H for hot.
This not 'hot' it is just well thought out and well presented.
And I have to say my own perspective is as a man.
Women who have been assaulted physically and or raped find men in general more difficult to trust after.
The consequence includs a sense of vulnerability that was not there before the event. Also a loss of 'trust', 'the ability to trust' - in many things.
I have never been raped.
But I have been assaulted and strangled unconscious by a supposedly trusted trustable caregiver in a Christian Institution.
47 years ago.
It changed me.
I still have trust issues, and unwillingness to face agression directly. At least I can now examine the past and work on some of those issues as an adult.
My heart goes out to all persons overwhelmed by force, having to endure the shaming of their will.
Anonymousalmost 18 years agoThe person who said that the crime should be reported whether or not the victims wants it to be is an asshole. I myself was raped by my stepfather for years and eventually I told my mom but I JUST now reported it to the police last month...MANY years after it began and 3 years after it stopped. Why, because it's painful to think about let alone talk about and who wants to go into a room with complete strangers and talk about something that traumatic. Some people have the courage to do it and yes I believe it is the right thing to do. Being raped makes you afraid though and what if you know the person and they're absolutely INSANE do you trust the police to protect you? I sure as hell didn't. The ONLY reason I told even though I was scared shitless was because I founf out he touched my little sister to and I will do anything to protect her even if it hurts me. This article was BRILLIANT and if your friend doesn't want to report it...don't for the love of god just be there for them. Thank you
Anonymousabout 18 years agoI'm planning a story on exactly this topic, helping someone who has been raped.
The best single article on the revenge aspect I've found is by Anna Makela titled "Political rape, private revenge. The story of sexual violence in Finnish Film and Television." If anyone wants a copy of this article let me know.
Revenge has obvious legal/moral issues that vary widely across cultures. It is very common in American film and television.
For a possible example of how one woman might do it see my current story, "The Seduction of Ada."
I applaud Selena for her effort. There can, of course, be no perfect answer because all situations are different. But any increased visibility to this heinous crime is good and kudos to Selena for that.
Regards, DJ
Anonymousabout 18 years agoThe author made a point of saying that, as a friend, you should ENCOURAGE a victim of sexual assault to report and to seek counseling... but not to MAKE THAT DECISION for the victim. I think you idiots missed the real point. Taking the "hard line" stance FOR the victim and doing your little Law and Order Dance all over is going to make the victim feel victimized AGAIN. Brilliant plan. Idiots. The author gives sound, smart advice, and I agree, it should be published somewhere. As for the stats, where are yours to back up your claims, posters? I see a bibliography listed. Did anyone check it? Or are you just spouting your Law and Order/SUV knowledge?
Anonymousabout 18 years agoI'd just planned on commending you on this useful article but those previous comments just made me want to ass my two cents.
Some of these comments jusst plain defy their own logic.
At what point does asking for coffee become rape? Where exactly did the "sexual contact" part happen, and frankly if you think that is a form of sex, you really should try coming out of your parent's basement more often.
Or how about that idiot talking about felony crime. From what I can figure out of that gibberish you wrote, in Canada the statutes spell out the classification of the crime quite clerly. There's no such thing as felony purse snatching, regardless of the severity involved. If it was very severe, felony charges like murder or assault may be added, but the purse snatching is still a misdeameanor regardless.
As for suicides and accidents, I don't get your point. A dead body is only ruled as murdered if there is direct evidence as such. Otherwide the causes are considered natural or self-inflicted. Maybe it you actually read up on cases, instead of believing everything you see on some TV fiction, you'd actually learn something practical.
As for reporting a crime if your buddy gets mowed down. Would you be willing to report a crime while you were busy havin anal sex with a male prostitute at the time? Sure, I'll just bet you're willing to risk that humiliation in pursuit of justice. Well, rape's not like that. its much much worse, and really you can't understand it unless you see it first hand.
And the difference between rape and remorse:
I don't even see the problem here. Rape victims don't feel remorse. Their emotions are much stronger and deeper than that. If all a woman feels is remose then she wasn't raped. (Frankly, if you made the woman feel remose and not that bit of bliss, you deserve to get your ass kicked for being a selfish fuck anyway :-)
I'm sad to say I know of three women raped or attempted rape (the attempted one was my Mom). Out of the three, only my Mom's was caught, plead quilty to sex battery 3 and got 18 months. To this day, 20 years later, she still won't be alone with other men, still has anxiety attacks that could include loss of bladder control AND she's the LUCKY one. Of the other two, one commited suicide while the other just left divorce papers for her husband, packed her stuff and disappeared wthout a trace. (Abandoning her two kids, lovng friends and family at the snap of your fingers.)
Think its easy to face up to this type of crime?
Think that reporting it makes everything better?
Well if you do, fuck you very much.
