Greek Myths: Heracles and Omphale

He went to the foot of the throne, in his usual position, and picked up the flax and spindle. His regal robes made his position incongruous.

"Ready?" Malis asked.

"Ready," Omphale said.

Malis went through a small door behind the throne. A few minutes later Omphale's officials and courtiers took their positions. A senior official announced the emissary and his entourage.

After an exchange of formal greetings the emissary came to the point of the visit. His eyes seemed drawn to the figure of Heracles. It was sometimes doubtful whether he was speaking to Queen Omphale or to Heracles.

"Your Majesty, your loyal allies are being threatened by our neighbours who do not believe that the Lydians will support us if we are attacked. They have asked for some proof of our alliance."

"Have they?" Omphale asked. "They do not believe your word?"

"Apparently not."

"Then we shall visit your country as an ally should, bringing a small contingent of our army. Would this inconvenience you?"

"No, your Majesty, as long as the contingent isn't too large."

"Then I shall send five hundred men, commanded by General Heracles in my name."

"General Heracles? Your Majesty, I understood that he is currently cursed by the Gods and deprived of his strength. How...?"

"He is undergoing a penance but the terms of that penance allow me to ask him to undertake certain tasks for me, such as ridding the countryside of vermin. If these people attacked you, I would consider them as vermin. Do you understand?"

The emissary bowed.

Omphale sighed.

"I think you need convincing. Bring the iron bar."

A couple of lackeys rushed out of the chamber, returning with an iron bar as thick as a man's arm. They had difficulty carrying it.

"Heracles?"

Heracles took the bar and bent it into a U-shape.

"You see? If I order him to do something he has his strength. Heracles, what would you do if I asked you to punish the people threatening our allies?"

"I would attack them, destroy their capital city and divert their main river so that their land becomes arid."

"Is that enough for you, if Heracles comes to visit?"

"Yes, your Majesty."

The emissary withdrew. The officials and courtiers left.

"Carry me back, please, Heracles." Omphale asked.

Heracles carried her, following Malis. He put Omphale down on the bed. She shrugged off the lion skin.

"Join me, Heracles, and you, Malis. You can strip."

Soon Heracles was on the bed with a woman resting on each shoulder, their glossy hair spread across his chest.

"Malis," asked Omphale, "will you explain the significance of the audience?"

"Are you sure, my Queen? Everyone there knows what it meant."

"Everyone except Heracles. Tell him."

"Tell me what?"

"Heracles, Queen Omphale showed you dressed as a Queen. She was obeying Hera's orders but Hera is a Greek goddess and does not understand Lydian customs. We worship the Great Goddess and our rulers are Queens, not Kings. We have never had a King."

"So? What are you getting at?"

"Listen. It is known that you are a slave at Queen Omphale's court. Yet today, Queen Omphale was wearing your lion skin, the SLAVE'S lion skin. You were wearing a Queen's robes. When someone stands in for the Queen if she is indisposed or ill, that someone wears the Queen's robes and is obeyed as if they were the Queen. It is usually a woman who substitutes for the Queen but it doesn't have to be. As long as they substitute is wearing the Queen's robes, THEY are the Queen.

Today you were wearing the Queen's robes. You were there in the throne room as the Queen. Queen Omphale was present, but she was wearing your clothes. That made her YOUR SLAVE."

Heracles started to object. His mouth was stopped by Omphale's kiss.

"The Queen answered for you until she asked you what you would do to her ally's enemies. You spoke only once yet what you said had the authority of the Lydian Queen because YOU were the Lydian Queen. The emissary and his entourage, one of whom is known to be a spy from the enemy, had an unequivocal answer. If our ally is attacked, Lydia will respond and destroy the attackers. There will be no war. The message is clear. We stand beside our ally."

"And the visit with troops?"

"That will happen," Omphale said. "It will be more like a procession than a formal fighting force because there is no need now to demonstrate our force. Think of it as a holiday, Heracles. We will be away from here for a week or so, you will have your strength and we can enjoy ourselves. Unfortunately, Malis will have to stay behind and rule as my deputy. My robes might fit her better."

"What about my role as your general?" Heracles asked.

"Do you want to do it?"

"I think that I should if we are going to convince the enemy."

"Very well. You have two weeks to train the army and select a force of five hundred to come hunting with us. At nights, please continue to enjoy the women's hospitality, except one night a week, which you should keep for me. I don't think I can take more than that."

"Are you sure?" asked Heracles as his hand slipped between Omphale's legs and his fingers probed.

"Ouch! Yes. I'm sure. Now leave me to sleep. Go and be a general."

Heracles strode from the room, his female clothes flapping around him. Now he was ordered to be a general he had his strength and although he still had to wear women's clothing around the palace, he could dress as a general beyond the grounds.

The next two weeks the army groaned under Heracles goading to make the soldiers a formidable fighting force. At night the Lydian women groaned as Heracles thrust deep into them. He slept pillowed and swamped in tired feminine bodies. Each morning he leapt into action with the troops leaving a hut full of sleeping women. Each night he ploughed more women.

Soon the time of the expedition arrived. Heracles spent much of his last night with Malis, leaving her in an exhausted sleep.

The expedition marched swiftly towards the Lydian border, reaching it a day earlier than they were expected. While their hosts prepared a formal welcome, Heracles, Omphale and a few officers decided to hunt boar.

The boar hunt was a success until some of the horses took fright. Heracles and Omphale were left a-foot in the forest at dusk. There were signs that a cloven-footed animal was about.

"Pan!" Omphale squeaked. "I should have known. Years ago an oracle promised me that Pan would find me and make love to me. And now we are alone in the forest, with Pan on the prowl."

"Don't worry, Omphale," said Heracles. "Pan won't get past me."

"He can. He can put anyone to sleep and then..."

"...then we should fool him. There is a cave back there where we can spend the night. If..." Heracles dropped his voice to whisper in Omphale's ear "...we can repeat the throne room?"

"I understand," Omphale whispered back.

In the cave, once they had made it suitable for sleeping, Omphale and Heracles changed clothes. Omphale once again put on Heracles' lion skin. She had her backside paddled, gently this time, as she helped Heracles to wrap her silken clothing around his body. After praying to Zeus they made love gently. Omphale settled down to sleep in the inner part of the cave. Heracles, wrapped in Omphale's silks, lay between her and the cave opening.

In the darkness Heracles heard a soft movement as Pan entered the cave. A hand felt Heracles' leg swathed in silk. Pan moved closer and stood beside Heracles recumbent body.

"At last, Omphale, you are mine..."

Heracles' leg moved swiftly. His horny foot caught Pan in the stomach, throwing him right out of the cave to crash against a tree. A naked Heracles followed, grabbing Pan by the ears and growling in Pan's face.

"Wrong one, Pan! I don't appreciate those who sneak up on people. Now go, or face my wrath."

Heracles spun Pan round and kicked him hard in the rump. Pan soared ungracefully above the treetops before crashing to the ground.

Ever after that, Pan would only prey on naked women. He didn't want to make the mistake of finding Heracles again.

Heracles and Omphale and the Lydian women enjoyed the rest of Heracles slavery. When he left, Lydia had many of his offspring to remind the country of his stay. Some even became Queens (and Kings) of other states. Heracles took several months to get back his black bottom. Omphale regretted losing her pink bottom. Pan still regretted his mistake.