Goodbye, La La Land

"Kath?"

"Yes?" She loved hearing him say her name.

"Are you a. . .?" This was so awkward. "I mean, have you ever. . .?"

"No. Have you?"

He lifted his head and looked at her, stifling a chuckle.

"What?" she smiled at his smile, her finger on automatic pilot--her body lingering precipitously on the edge of orgasm.

"Isn't it obvious?"

Kathleen shrugged bashfully and smiled again. "I don't know."

He didn't know if this was the right time to bring it up. "I have a condom in my wallet."

Her smile brightened at his awkward, childlike honesty. "Good."

He rested his cheek back on her leg. She was so cool. This had been nothing like he expected. It had almost been easy, no big deal. She had made it that way, and as he watched her finger move more urgently and felt her unsteady breathing turn into sharp gasps, a deep sense of breathless affection and excitement washed over him.

"Put your tongue right here." Kathleen felt her selfish body taking control. He had said he wanted to taste her, and she wanted to feel his tongue--now. She pointed with her finger to a spot on her smooth pussy lips, just below her clit.

Gary's heart pounded; the tension in his legs and stomach was almost too much for him to take. He could see her stretch her neck back into the pillow as her mouth opened in a sigh. God, she was amazing. Lightly at first he touched his tongue to her private flesh, and her juice washed into his mouth. It was light, and salty and every bit as gently powerful as her scent had been. His own thighs shuddered at the taste of it as his cock absently rubbed against the comforter and his precum wetted the material. He managed to prevent his own orgasm only by watching the inexplicably beautiful expressions adorning Kathleen's face. Her legs twitched underneath him as he wiggled the tip of his hungry tongue below her finger--more confidently sliding between her folds and into her silky wetness. Her sighs became infused with voice.

"Oooh. Oh." Kathleen let loose quiet, crying moans, each more intense than the last. His wet tongue against her pussy lips was an intimate, welcome invasion that sent her heated body over the edge.

Kathleen's restrained moans were at beautiful odds with the strong, violent shudders of her small frame. He hoped she might be having an orgasm, and even as his tongue more brazenly licked at her pussy, he couldn't slow his racing heart as he simply absorbed her climax with her. The incredible rush of helping Kathleen cum was better than any orgasm he had ever had.

"Ohh, God." Kathleen couldn't hold back her tears as they streamed down her face. She'd never expected to feel like this. Tingly waves and trembles of aftershock swept through her body. She felt more drained than after even her longest masturbation session, and more powerfully energized than after her best night's sleep. She couldn't make sense of it all. She could barely speak; her quiet voice wept, "Oh, my God. Gary."

Had he misinterpreted? He wasn't sure it was pleasure in her voice. "Are you okay?" He snapped his head up. "Kathleen?"

"Ohhh," she breathed with a shaky voice. "Come here." She spread her arms, aching from her core for him to fill them.

He rubbed his cheek upward against her warm body--wanting to be as close to her as possible--and laid his head on her naked chest, hearing her rapid heart, cuddling into her small frame. "Are you ok?" His voice was filled with genuine concern.

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Kathleen couldn't stop crying. It had just felt so good. He had felt so good in her heart--more all consuming than she'd ever imagined it would be. All she could think of was her burning desire to feel all of him inside her.

He looked up at her face. "Sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry I'm crying. It's not what I mean."

"Did it feel good?" He was worried that he had done something terribly wrong.

"Oh my God, yes. No I just. I don't know. I can't help it." Her voice broke and she hugged him deeply into her chest, feeling so lucky that she had shared this with him. "Thank you."

He sighed audibly with relief, and pressed the side of his head against her chest as hard as he could. He just couldn't get close enough. His erection was softer now with all the intensity of her release.

She felt sudden pangs of guilt. "I'm sorry I attacked you like that."

"Attacked me? God, that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen."

Kathleen tried to calm herself. "Wait, wait. I want to feel you. Do you want to?"

"I. . ." Gary had no words. God, he wanted to. "Do you? I mean, didn't you already come?"

Kathleen's eyes opened wide, amazed that he had missed it. "You were right there, weren't you? Of course I did! Please? I really want to."

"Are you sure?"

"Oh, God yes. Please?"

Gary's cock was ready again; it was more than ready. He was shaking all over with the bleary excitement of what it would feel like to be inside her. If he wasn't careful, he wouldn't make it that far. "Ok. Wow." He couldn't believe what he was about to do. "Ok."

Kathleen suppressed a little giggle through her rapidly waning tears, hoping he wouldn't notice.

He sat up and fumbled to reach his pants. He pulled out his wallet and extricated that blessed condom that T. insisted he carry "just in case". Sometimes T.'s nagging about it even angered him, but he couldn't feel anything but gratitude for his best friend just now. He was probably outside, standing by the door to ensure no one so much as knocked. Gary was embarrassed, but he was beginning to realize that T. was much wiser in the ways of the world than he sometimes gave him credit for.

Kathleen watched his broad shoulder blades working as he pulled the condom out of his wallet. God, he was sexy, and she loved his awkward affection. She wanted him to let go of all that restrained power he was holding inside. She wanted him to know without a doubt that he could have her, that she wanted him to fuck her, but her growing tenderness for him made her think that maybe he was right to take it one step at a time. She sat up and bit her lip, unsure whether she should ask. "Can I. . . Can I put it on?"

"I. . . If you put it on, I don't think I'll make it."

"Ok, sorry." Kathleen was tickled at his quirky honesty.

"No, no. I. . ." his voice trailed off as he fumbled with his nervous fingers to open the damn wrapper. "Fuckin' thing," he muttered under his ragged breath.

She laughed silently--giddily--watching him awkwardly roll the latex down so that it tightly encased his beautifully rigid cock. "Are you ready?"

He looked at her and let his eyes linger down to her gorgeous, visibly slick pussy. He felt awkward--not knowing where to begin. Kathleen seemed to sense it.

"Come here. Lay down with me."

He cuddled into her sweaty body unreservedly, feeling comforted by her arms. His lips once again found hers and he kissed her; he thought he could never get enough of tasting her receptive mouth. Those awful shakes had returned, and he wished he had more control over them. She reacted to them with a simple whisper:

"Come here." Kathleen nudged his arm over and spread her legs--prompted him to plant his knees between them and suspend his body over hers. "Go ahead."

"Where do I?" His cock along with his mind raged with the chaos of anticipation. He just wanted to get it right.

She spread her legs wider for him, and reached down to touch his cock for the first time. The tip was both rigid and forgiving, and she tried to focus while tentatively helping to guide him inside of her. "Little lower. Lower." She felt it. It was at the very threshold. "There. Oh yes, yes; there. Go ahead."

All he felt was her inviting warmth touching against the tip of his penis. He took in the sight of her small body underneath him. He ached to be inside her. He pushed tentatively, studying her face carefully. Was she sure? "There?"

"Uh-huh," She nodded, smiling and flushed with chilly, beautiful sensation. "Uh-huh."

He pushed a bit harder, and suddenly felt her smooth folds give way to him. Her warmth slowly eased around the tip of his shaft--washing it with the slickness of that same delicious juice he could still taste in his mouth. He pushed forward, willing himself not to explode before he'd even had a chance to start. She wasn't making it any easier.

"Oh my God; oh my God." Kathleen's neck stretched back as she closed her eyes. He felt so warm and alive inside her--nothing like the initial shiver of her cold dildo at home. His entire body and his erupting affection seemed an equal part of the sensation as she felt his shaky muscles on the edge of his control--easing his hard shaft further into her aching pussy. "Yeah yeah. Come here, come'ere, come'ere," she whispered frantically wrapping her arms around him and pulling his torso toward her.

Gary's cock pushed slowly the rest of the way into her--feeling her flesh tightly wrapping around his length. She gave no resistance, no indication that she was in pain, and before he even had a chance to register what was happening, his pubic hairs were gently pressed against her silky skin--his cock completely buried inside her body. She was sharing herself with him completely--the beautiful euphoria of it was almost exactly like he had always hoped it would be.

The beautiful euphoria she felt was almost nothing like she thought it would be. She looked at his face and was full with his cock. When his eyes caught hers, they both froze--simply feeling each other and allowing those fragments of soul to pass between their gazes.

She pulled him closer and he rested his head beside hers--smelling her gorgeous hair, and feeling the ridges of her small ear against his nose. He pressed his lips gently to her ear lobe and kissed it silently.

Gary started moving in and out slowly--her pussy juice further easing the passage of his cock. She was stretched comfortably and completely. His movement was nothing like she had ever experienced. His cock massaged inside her, pulling on her, and pressing into the walls of her pussy--creating subtleties of unfamiliar, addictive sensation. She felt his body shaking above her, and she wanted this feeling to last forever.

Gary knew this feeling couldn't last forever. God, she was incredible. He wanted to pump his body into her with all his weight. He wanted to bury himself into her tight folds and never come out. He wanted to fuck her until he was exhausted. His body peaked in a quaking orgasm inside Kathleen. "Oooohh. Ohh. Ahh." Gary's moans into her ear were joyful and liberating. He wanted her to know how she made him feel. Her fingers squeezed the flesh of his back as he felt his cum emptying out of him in draining, bliss-fueled bursts. His mind filled with filthy thoughts of ceaseless, outrageous fucking, alongside giddy memories of her optimism, her humor, and the way her sparkling eyes looked when she smiled at him. He was buried inside her generous body--feeling a primal connection with her that, no matter what happened, he thought he would remember forever. Tears welled in his eyes, and the aftershocks of his exhausting orgasm washed over his body. He collapsed onto her, overwhelmed. "Ohhhhh, my God."

"Oh, my God." Kathleen could feel Gary's cock ever so slightly squeezing and relaxing within her. She reacted by squeezing her pussy muscles around him, and that seemed to elicit even more of his tiny grunts into her ear. She hugged him hard and savored the feeling of his sweaty skin slipping against hers. Why had she waited so long to do this? She knew her life was only really just beginning, and yet she never expected this moment to mean so much to her. "Are you ok?"

Gary, unable to stop his tears, reached his hands under her--squeezing them between her back and the bed and just hugged her tight. "Thank you for being so wonderful."

She simply hugged him back, not knowing what to say. The words of her sister kept running through her mind. They had always seemed comforting to her somehow, and she found herself repeating them to Gary:

"Hey, hey," she said. "It's just sex, right?"

Immediately, she felt even more confused. That's not how she felt at all. Wasn't that how she was supposed to feel, though? Isn't that what guys wanted? Isn't that what she wanted?

Her words hit him with a crushing blow of reality. T. had pounded those words into him like a mantra, and he never wanted to believe them--especially now, feeling Kathleen's warm, silky body in his arms. Had it all just been in his head? Did what they had just shared not mean anything to her? As the waves of orgasmic bliss finally abandon his drained body completely, he finally sensed the hard truth in her words. He felt more stupid than he'd ever felt in his life. His tears of release had suddenly turned into something much darker and more familiar to him. "Was. . . was it?"

"No, no. Wait, wait, wait." She could only imagine what was going through his mind as he breathed in and out, trying to control the obvious hurt she had just caused him. "Gary?" His cock was still inside her, but he wouldn't look at her. "That's not what I meant. Gary?" What had she done?

Gary lifted his body, and pulled out of her, not knowing how he should feel, but so upset that his eyes were almost blind with tears. He stood up, desperately fighting the weakness in his legs. "Yeah." He choked. "Just sex. Ok." He tried to tell himself that he could handle it. This was the real world. He had to get out of that room. He couldn't let her see him like this. Who knew that sex could make you feel so fulfilled one second, and so hopelessly empty the next? Why did she say that?

God, why did she say that? "Gary?" She sat up, desperate to do something--to comfort him, to fix what she had callously broken. She watched him standing there with so much disappointment in his eyes and wondered just how she had ever come to believe that sex could just be sex. "Gary, I'm sorry. That's not what I meant." She was so confused.

Gary blurrily fumbled his underwear and pants back over his legs. He couldn't look at her--it would hurt too much. It wasn't her fault.

"Gary, wait. Please?"

"It's ok," he shook his head back and forth--trying to act as if nothing was wrong. If he could convince her, perhaps he could convince himself too. If only he could just stop crying. "It's ok."

Kathleen's stomach knotted in pure panic. "No. . . no," she shook her head and jumped off the bed, blocking the door with her naked body, and looking up at him with tears in her eyes. "Please don't go. Don't go. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Let me fix it."

Gary's face was soaked with tears. He could barely see her face through them. Her tiny, naked body, blocking his retreat, made his heart ache for her that much more. He managed to force out the question, "Did it really not mean anything?"

Kathleen longed to take him in her arms--to show him what she was really feeling, but was afraid of making things worse. "Of course it did," she pled as her own tears washed down her cheeks. His expression softened at her obvious distress, and it was all the invitation she needed. She opened her arms to him, pulling him into her. "Of course it did. I don't know why I said that. I'm so, so sorry. Please don't go."

Gary was still torn between wanting to lose himself in her arms, and retreating away from her to protect himself. Why was this hurting so much? It was so stupid. Maybe sex really was what T. had told him it was. "I. . . I mean, I don't expect anything. I don't know what'll happen. I just. This was just. It was amazing. Wasn't it?" He pulled his head around her shoulder and looked into her eyes. "Wasn't it?"

Kathleen cried right along with him, and nodded--finally understanding how incredibly special it was, to both of them. "Yes." She whispered faintly. "I'm sorry." She hugged him hard. "I'm so sorry. I don't even know how to describe it. I guess. . . I don't know." She released her grip on him a bit and looked toward the floor, trying to decipher her feelings. "My sister says that all the time. 'It's just sex, Kath.' She says it all the time. I don't know." She looked up into his handsome, troubled face. "I guess it is just sex, really. I mean, you know?" She shrugged wishing she could express herself better. "But it was. It was beautiful," she cried through her tensely uncooperative mouth, feeling the truth in her words. "It's not what I expected." She smiled, feeling like she was digging herself into a hole. "It was amazing," she nodded simply.

"Really?"

"Really."

Gary found inexplicable comfort and truth in Kathleen's gentle words. The deed was done, and still her arms were around him in a tight embrace that made him feel better than any orgasm could. He sniffed, and just then a thought came into his head that made him laugh through his tears. "It sounds like your sister and T. should get together."

Kathleen's arms hooked around his neck, and she felt a huge wave of relief and happiness when she saw his smile. "Why?"

Her face was so beautiful. Her body was simply, comfortably naked in front of him. "They could be the 'It's just sex' twins," he said.

Kathleen laughed, and reached up to wipe a new tear from Gary's face. They looked at each other silently.

"So." His mind was suddenly alive with questions. Was this love? Is this what relationships were? What did all this mean? "Are we? How? Uhm." He smiled at his own incoherence as he watched her patiently attentive face.

Kathleen smiled, seeing his mind always working in the background--always wondering, always analyzing. "What is it, Aristotle?" It was too bad, maybe she could coax "Mickey" out again later.

Gary smiled with a giddy heart. "I don't. . ." He shrugged hopelessly. He wanted so much more, but he didn't know what. Finally, he found the words he was looking for. "What do we do now?"

Kathleen shrugged her shoulders in an honest smile. "I don't know."

They found each other's eyes and Gary lost himself in her beautiful face.

Kathleen bit her lip and grabbed his hands, pulling him back toward the bed. "How 'bout cuddling with me?" She raised her chin at him and squinted her eyes with a bright smile, elated to see his comfortable laughter return. They sat down together, then leaned back and she rested her head on Gary's chest. She felt his heart pumping regularly, calmly in her ear. Her fingers spread against his ribs, and her thigh lay along the top of his legs as his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

A long moment of shared warmth and silent breathing nurtured an uncertain optimism growing in their collective thoughts.

"Kath?"

"Yes?"

"This is amazing too."

"Yeah."

For my wife, J.

Thanks to my friends, Varian P, Blackshanglan, Carsonshepherd, G_G, and 'Rain for their invaluable reactions and thoughts over the course of this story's very personal process.