Consequences - Ellen

It was the third week of our trial separation when I got a call from Ellen wanting to meet me at the club to talk about something. I agreed of course, but began to have a bad feeling about what was coming. The only reason for us to talk was to discuss the conditions we had set up. There were only two where we would have to meet and talk: meeting or something more with another person. There was no other condition up for discussion. I had spent my time in working and preparing for the upcoming move and had no time for socializing. But that was part of the reason we were separating in the first place and I had begun to realize that by the end of the second week. It was something that I had been trying to decide how to change. I had no plan but it was too early to stop trying. So, this was her meeting and I would have to be patient till she told me.

We met that evening at the club in the dining room. Ellen and I had eaten here many times and she actually enjoyed it. There were always many wives in attendance and she knew several of them. Tonight was not one of those occasions so we were effectively alone. We just had coffee and dessert.

We talked about generalities for a while and then talked about the kids. She had spoken with both since we parted and she told me that she had given them the story that I had to work day and night on the presentation, one that I convinced her was keeping me so busy, so I was staying at the club. She gave them the room number and the phone number so they would know it was on the up and up. Clever plan, I remarked. We finished the dessert and pushed back from the table while the busboy cleaned up. Once we were alone, I pushed ahead.

"OK, what's up that you needed to talk to me? Got a boyfriend?"

Ellen's face showed surprise and embarrassment before she recovered. She just glared at me for a few seconds before attacking.

"No, I do not have a boyfriend. But I do have a friend that I wanted to talk to you about. He is one of the instructors at the Y and he is new to the area. He is quite a bit younger than you and me but he wanted to know if I could show him around the area and maybe show him some of the cheaper places to live. I agreed but told him I had to clear it with you first. So, of course it's not dating. It's just being a good neighbor to someone new to the area. Is that OK with you?"

I reflected on what she said. First, she said she had agreed. So much for the rules.

"Well since you have already agreed to do it, why did you bother to tell me?"

That caught her by surprise. I don't think she had thought about it much. She just saw it as a cute guy and this was a way to see him without guilt. I watched her face as she struggled with my catching her in a slip.

"I don't mean I already agreed. I just meant that I thought it would be OK but I needed to clear it. That's what I'm doing now."

"Well, I think you already told him that it was OK, but let's ignore that for the time being. Since you let him know that we're separated, how do you think he'll see this? Does he know that it's not a date? Does he know that you're just friends?"

I watched the familiar anger enter her face. This was another case where Ellen didn't have control and it made her furious.

"Of course he sees it that way. That's the way it is. There is no other way for him to take it. So, do you agree? Can I do this for him or are you going to say no?"

"Of course I'll say yes since you've already told him it's OK. I can't tell you what to do or not do. I don't have to like it. Even if I disagreed, it doesn't change anything. You'll do what you want to do. We've been married 23 years and in that time have I ever told you that you couldn't do something? Have I ever given you the impression that I was the boss and you were to do as you were told?"

"Of course not. You've never been like that. But now I'm confused. You said the rules were that we had to agree before the other could do anything different. Are you saying that isn't right?"

"Yes, I'm saying that isn't right. What I said was that we were still married and that we needed to tell the other about certain things so there wouldn't be any chance for a misunderstanding or confusion. But I would never tell you not to do something you wanted to do, nor will I give you permission to do things that are wrong. Right or wrong it's up to you. It always has been."

"Well, I'm still confused. I thought we had to agree if the other wanted to date or see someone or even to think about sex. Now you're telling me that isn't what you meant?"

"I meant exactly what I said. We are separated but we are still married. If one of us chooses to do something that could be misunderstood or that we wouldn't do when we were together, we simply have to notify the other. That's what we agreed to. You are telling me you want to see this guy socially. That's all you have to do. I have no right to either agree or disagree. I don't own you and I don't give you orders. You do what you think is right. But if you break the vows of our marriage, that's different. Just remember that."

"That's crazy. You and I are married. Why can't you tell me not to do something? Don't you have the right to do that? Don't I?"

"We have never done that in our 23 years so why would we start now? I have always lived by the simple rule that I wouldn't do anything alone that I wouldn't do if you were there."

I stopped and looked hard at her. It was important that she hear what I was going to say. It could make the difference between us staying together or ending our marriage.

"I don't know what you are planning or thinking but if you have plans to do something that you think I might object to, you have to be very careful. Is that what you want to do? Is there more to this than a simple friend helping a friend?"

"No. I think this conversation is over. I have a lot to think about. I'll talk to you later. Don't call me for a day or so. And I think we need to agree right now to extend this separation for another month. I've told you that so it's done. As you say, you don't need to agree. Goodbye."

With that, Ellen stormed out of the club and I remained there getting slightly buzzed. I didn't like where this was going and I certainly didn't like what I heard tonight. But it was what I expected was going to happen. Ellen was feeling free and was testing her limits. Ellen wasn't good at limits. I knew that and she was heading for trouble. I had another drink and headed upstairs to my room. A big advantage to staying here was that I could always find my way home.

It was only a day later when I found myself without a critical file for one of my clients. I knew exactly where it was so I called Ellen at home and told her I needed to come by to pick it up. Without giving her time to start a fight, I told her it would only take me five minutes to find it and we set a time for later that evening. I was to be there at 7:30 and she would meet me there.

I arrived right on time and parked my car in the driveway beside another car that I didn't recognize. She apparently had company and I thought this was her way of making sure we didn't have another disagreement. Well, fine by me. I guessed it was one of her girlfriends from the church. But no problem. I knocked on the door right at 7:30. Ellen let me in with a short invitation and I stepped into the foyer of my house for the first time in several weeks. Nothing had changed, but I don't know what I expected. What I wasn't expecting was what happened next.

Standing behind her in the entrance to the kitchen was a young man. He was tall, well built in the way of most young men and he was very nice looking. Light brown hair, deliberately unkempt with a two-day growth of beard. I think that was the causal look that these young punks adopted as cool. He had a smile on his face that looked anything but pleasant.

"Spencer, I want you to meet Walter Simpson. He is the new instructor that I told you about. Walter, this is my husband, Spencer Christian."

I took the hand he held out to shake more in surprise than in any attempt to be civil. I just looked at him and his smiling face and I began to see red. I think I controlled it very well as I said something inane to him before turning to Ellen.

"Could I see you in the study for a minute while I get the file please? It's something we need to discuss."

Without waiting for her response, I turned and walked quickly into the study. I stood by the door waiting as she followed me in. I shut the door and turned to look at her. I tried to calm myself down by breathing a couple of deep breaths. I felt my heart slow down and the rushing of blood to my face began to abate. During this time, Ellen just stood there looking at me in fear and surprise. I tried to speak with as much control as I could.

"What is he doing here in our home? I remember very clearly saying that there were to be no men in this house while we were separated. Do you remember that? Did you not remember that agreement? What the hell is he doing here?"

As I spoke, my control disappeared. I was shouting and I'm sure he would hear every word but I didn't give a shit just then.

"I, I, I just wanted you to me . . . , meet him. That's all. I just invited him here so that you could meet him and see he was just a nice young man. That's all. Why are you so upset?"

"How long has he been here? How long is he planning to stay? You broke our agreement and yes I am angry. I guess you're giving me your answer about our marriage. You're ready to move on without me and this is your way of telling me. I should have guessed when you asked me if you could start seeing him socially. Well, I guess I was the fool."

"Spenser, no! That's not true! I just forgot about not having men over. I don't think of Walter that way. I'm sorry. It was just a mistake and I'm sorry. I'll tell him right now to leave. He'll understand. Please, just wait till I tell him to go and we can talk."

I walked over to the desk, pulled out the drawer and removed the file I needed. I shut the drawer and walked past Ellen to the door.

"I'm leaving now. You do whatever the hell it was you planned on doing. I'll call you tomorrow to discuss our next steps. Goodnight, and please make my apologies to Walter."

With that, I walked out of the study and directly to the front door. I was out before Walter even knew I was leaving. I never looked back. I got into my car and I drove for the next half hour not even thinking. Just driving and wondering. I was really hurt by her actions. More than I would have expected. But the more I thought about it the more I wondered why I was surprised. I had agreed to this. I was the one that thought that she would find out what it was like without me around. I was the one that expected her to come running back to me. Well, guess who got surprised?

It was well after midnight when I got back to my room at the club. Since I had no answering machine for the phone, I had no thought of messages. I never carried my cell phone when I wasn't working on a project since I wanted no phone calls on my private time. So, I had just walked in the room when the phone rang. Without thinking, I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Spenser? My God where have you been? I've been trying to call you for the last hour. You left so suddenly that I didn't even get a chance to tell you how sorry I was that I forgot the rule. You know it wasn't intentional. I just wasn't thinking. Spencer please, talk to me."

"Goodnight Ellen. Please don't call me again tonight. My head is killing me and I need sleep. You've done enough to me for one night and I just want to go to sleep. Goodnight."

With that, I hung up and pulled the plug on the phone. Now I could sleep.

I awoke the next morning with a far more calm feeling than I had for some time. I think I was beginning to believe that my marriage was over and that maybe it was a good thing. We had not been getting along for some time and this separation was supposed to give us both pause to consider our lives together and our marriage. It had done that for me. I wanted to continue with our marriage and I still loved Ellen with all my heart. I had no desire to be with anyone else and I never considered dating anyone. But it appeared that Ellen had taken this opportunity to see what was available to her. The story of being a good friend to Walter was a crock and we both knew it. Now, from her actions last night, it seems that she was ready to take the next step. Well, that was her decision and the consequences were clear to me.

I didn't go in to work that morning since I had a meeting with a client downtown and the club was closer. I dressed and went down for breakfast before heading out. As I was drinking my first cup of coffee, the concierge came over with a note for me from Ellen. It said she was waiting in the lobby of the club to talk to me and wanted me to come out to see her. Since she was not a member, she was not permitted in without an escort. I considered the note and finally decided to go out to see her.

She was sitting in the lobby waiting for me. She was smartly dressed, I assumed for some meeting that she was going to. I walked over and stood in front of her. I said nothing.

"Good morning Spenser. I'm glad you agreed to speak to me. I tried to apologize last night but you wouldn't let me. I don't know why you were so angry over a simple mistake on my part. It was just that, you know. Walter didn't stay when you left and he had been there only a few minutes when you arrived. Nothing happened or was going to happen. You have to know that."

I still didn't respond. I just waited. When she was trying to explain something and I didn't respond, she became angry with me. I knew that if I provoked her, she would say something without thinking and I might just get the truth. As I waited, she began to become agitated and her breathing increased. She was becoming uneasy.

"Nothing happened! It was a stupid mistake and I didn't even think about it. He was just there to meet you. That's all. Why are you being this way?"

"Because Ellen, you don't make stupid mistakes. You are way too smart for that. I think you had him there just so I would see him and you could shove him in my face. I think you're getting ready to make a move that you know I won't like and this is your way of doing it. Make me mad and then blame anything you do on me. That's what you've been doing now for the last year. Blame me. Well, you do what you want but you do it because you want to, not because I made you."

Ellen was furious. She was standing now and glaring at me. I knew the explosion was coming and I just waited. I was calm and controlled but she didn't know that and she was anything but.

"Well then, I'll follow the rules! I'm telling you now that Walter asked me to go to dinner and dancing with him and I'm going to accept. I want to tell you that I don't know where things will go from there but you have been told that I'll do whatever I want to do. That's what you said we should do. Whatever we want to. So, don't be surprised when something that you don't like happens."

"Fine. You've told me. When is this date supposed to happen or has it already? Since he was there with you alone last night, I no longer expect you to be honest with me. You already broke the agreement once so I expect you'll do it again when it suits you."

"Why do you care when I am supposed to be with him?"

"I have to leave for Atlanta by the end of this week and I just wanted to know when he was coming over again. Just in case. I wouldn't want to walk in on the two of you."

"Friday night and you can go to hell! He's picking me up at 7:30 so now you know."

"So, you've already accepted? Then this visit wasn't to tell me what you wanted to do. It was just to let me know that you broke our rules again and to hell with our marriage. Well, thanks. I warned you of the consequences but you don't seem to care anymore. Now I know and I'll make arrangements. It appears our marriage is over."

With that, I spun around and walked away with her sputtering and yelling that she hadn't already accepted, but I went through the door into the dining room shutting off her tirade. I was heartbroken and I couldn't let her see that. She couldn't know how much she had hurt me. I stumbled into the dining room, tears clouding my vision. I stopped until I had some control back and finally went back to my table. I sat there lost and confused. I knew at that moment that my marriage was dead and the woman I loved had already made that real.

The concierge came over again to tell me that the woman wouldn't leave until I came back out to talk with her. I angrily told him to call the police if she wouldn't leave but to leave me alone. I refused to talk to her in the condition I was in. Maybe that was a mistake but I didn't care. I got up from the table, no longer hungry and went back up to my room. Once there, I sat quietly until I had myself under control and then went in to wash my face. I had things to do now and I wanted them finished before I left for Atlanta. I had put off making the trip until I was sure what I wanted to do. Ellen had made that decision for me.

Since it was now Wednesday morning, I had at most two days to do some of the things I considered necessary. First, I went to meet the gentleman that I had called yesterday evening while I was driving around. He was someone I knew well and he could do a favor for me now. His name was Flynn Conner and he was an attorney. He and I had known each other for several years and I used him often in my business dealings. When I told him what I wanted, he was concerned but promised to have everything ready by Friday morning. I thanked him and left to make flight arrangements to Atlanta for Friday afternoon late. I wanted to be there as soon as I could. I had already cleared it with John Wilson.

I called Atlanta and let them know my plans and let them set up my living arrangements. I also arranged for a car until I could either sell mine or have it moved. It was a Mercedes that I dearly loved but it could be replaced. Once that was done, I opened some new accounts in my name only and transferred some of our funds into those accounts, removing my name from our joint checking and savings accounts. I was careful to make less than a 50% transfer so that I could not be accused of trying to drain our resources. Finally, I cancelled all but my corporate credit cards. Since I was the principal on most of them, Ellen was going to get a major shock when hers were cancelled too. I knew she owned one in her name only so she wasn't left without reserves.

I left my phone unplugged that evening and my cell was still turned off. I had called my office and left word with them to call the club with any messages and I would call them back. I explained that I had been getting some crank calls so I wasn't answering my phone. I had already left word with the plant switchboard several weeks ago that I would not take any calls from my wife, and I had made it clear to my secretary that we were separated. She asked no questions and followed my orders.

At 8:00 that evening, I remembered that I had to call Ellen to remind her that I was leaving for Atlanta on Friday and that I would need to come by to pick up some files. I decided to get it over with and called but got no answer. I didn't leave a message but as I thought about it, I wondered where she could be. She had no meeting that I knew about on Wednesdays so I decided to drive over to the house to see if she was home. I drove by the house and saw that the lights were off so I parked just down the street and decided to wait for a while to see if she came home. If she did, I could pick up the files right then and I wouldn't have to come back.