All I Want for Christmas

Moments passed, and he managed not to cry, he managed to stuff most of his feelings back where the belonged, hidden within him, but he was still so raw. Which is why, when Orin came out, he wasn't prepared to handle it.

"Justin? Why'd you run out like that?" Orin came up, his cheeks pink and rosy on his pale complexion in response to the biting chill. "Everyone loved that! I think kissing you is gonna get me a date every day for the next two weeks! Did you know girls liked that kinda thing so much?" He babbled, all excited, completely oblivious to the silence coming from Justin or the expression on his face. "And damn man, you can kiss! I never thought men could kiss like that, but then again I guess I thought I was a good kisser, so why not you, you know? Even so, I have to say I was really... Just? What's wrong, man?" Orin finally paused, a confused expression lighting his handsome features.

"You humiliated me in there." Justin said, his voice catching in his throat.

"No man, it was just a game, it was a joke, Justin. I'm glad you liked kissing me so much, it just means I'm a good kisser, ya know?" Orin said, clearing his throat and frowning some. "It's no big deal, everyone knows your gay, no one cares that you had that response, Justin. I was just teasing."

"I care! I care! You humiliated me, Orin. Humiliated me!" Justin actually screamed, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to spill out unchecked. Justin never got loud unless something was serious. He was such a shy person that he had a tendency to run away rather then to confront, so the fact he was screaming now clued Orin into that this was a big deal.

Orin stepped forward and moved to wrap his arm around Justin, trying to comfort his best friend, but Justin shoved at him hard and stepped away. "I don't get it." Orin said, sounding as lost as he looked.

"Of course you don't, Orin! Of course not. You just don't get it, you don't get anything. You don't get that I've been in love with you for years, you don't get that you flirt with me constantly. You don't get that you touch my hair when I told you what that does to me. You don't get that you kissed me in front of a room full of fucking people and not only did you not have any god damn reaction to kissing me but you pointed out to everyone that *I* DID! Despite what you think, most men don't get fully hard from a fucking kiss, do YOU get hard every time you kiss a chick you DON'T have feelings for? Did you get hard when you kissed the girl right before me? I DIDN'T THINK SO!" Justin was screaming at the top of his lungs by the end of this speech, and people had begun to file out of the house and onto the lawn to listen to what had some how become a lovers quarrel of sorts.

Orin just stood there, shock stilling his tongue. For once, he didn't know what to say or do and that was a completely foreign experience for him. Justin laughed, a self depreciating laugh as he tossed his hands up and gazed heavenward. "Great. Just great." Justin said, then turned to those gathered and watching, "Hope you all enjoyed the fucking show!" he shouted, then turned on his heal and began to stomp off down the street.

A couple people yelled out after him, but he just kept walking, ignoring everything around him until finally he turned the corner and lost every bit of strength he'd been holding into his body. He began to cry helplessly, his whole body shaking with the intensity, aching still with the desire that hit him as a result of that kiss, he hurt inside because he was so utterly in love with his best friend, and that love was not returned.

Justin made it to a gas station, and from there he called a cab to take him home so he could braid up his hair and curl in between his sheets to hide away from the nights experiences. From the moment his head hit the pillow, Justin was out like a light, emotional weariness taking its toll on his mind and body. He never even checked his message machine.

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When Justin had stomped off down the street, Orin had stared on after him in stunned shock. He's in love with me. He's in love with me, holy fuck, Justin's in love with me. Christ, fuck, oh my god, he's in love with me. His mind whirled around and around like a broken record so fast that he was oblivious to the fact that Justin was getting smaller and smaller the further away he got, until he turned the corner and disappeared all together.

"You gonna let him run off like that?" the girl he'd kissed playing spin the bottle appeared beside him, one hand patting his shoulder. "You're not going to go after him?"

Orin turned to look at her, frowning a little as he tried to recall her name. "What do I say to that, Autumn? He's right, I did humiliate him. I thought it was a joke, I didn't realize how he felt or I wouldn't ever have poked fun in there." He sighed and she nodded her head.

"So, how do you feel?" She asked gently, "I hate to say it, but that was one helluva kiss you gave him in there, was all of it acting?"

"Of course it was!" Orin said, feeling suddenly quite defensive. "I am not interested in men. Even the ones I really care about."

"You mean the ones you love." Autumn said, shrugging her shoulders, "Come on Orin. Anyone could see how you felt about him. Even if it's not sexual, you still love him. At least admit that much."

"Yea, I guess you're right, I love him. He's my best friend in the whole world, ya know?" Orin offered hesitantly.

"Yea, but maybe you should take a deeper look. Maybe he didn't notice that you were affected by the kiss," she paused and glanced at him sideways, "But I did."

Orin felt his cheeks color, felt the warmth of his embarrassment, and she smiled. "I wasn't affected like him, Autumn." He argued, but she only shrugged.

"Maybe not quite as intense, but he's already admitted he loves you. You're still fighting the obvious. That'd put a damper on any mans arousal." She said and he bristled. "Look, all I'm saying, is think about it, Orin. You know he's in love with you. You know you love him, now all you have to do is figure out how to handle the fact he's a man and not what you thought you'd end up with in the end, you know? You kissed him like you meant it, Orin. You didn't kiss him like you were putting on a show. You kissed him like he tasted good. Can you honestly tell me he didn't taste good to you tonight?"

Orin glanced down at the ground because she was echoing his exact thoughts while he was kissing Justin. He did taste good, sweet and warm like the spiked eggnog he'd been drinking. Orin had wanted to keep kissing him, he hadn't wanted to stop, but he didn't want to admit that to himself let alone anyone else. He sighed, shaking his head a little, "Yea, he did taste good." He mumbled under his breath, and Autumn grinned a little.

"Maybe you're cold words were as much about you denying any reaction you might have had as much as putting on your little show." She said, then shrugged again. "Look, like I said, think about what I'm saying and figure out what you're going to do. Maybe give him a day or so, and yourself a day or so, to figure things out. But you hurt him, so when you come back finally no matter what you've decided, you have to understand that and treat him like he's important to you. Get your own feelings under control first so you don't get defensive."

Orin nodded his head, feeling a little bereft. Was she telling him the truth? Deep down he knew she was. He loved his friend, but he didn't know how to deal with the fact Justin was a man. If he'd been a woman Orin would have sprung on him years ago, and maybe that was part of the fascination he had with Justin's hair. It was so long and soft, and from behind it made him look like a woman, and if Orin was being honest with himself he'd admit he'd had urges to come up behind Justin a million times, pull him in flush with his chest and pepper his shoulders and the back of his neck with soft kisses and bites. The only thing that had kept him from it all was the fact that Justin was in fact a man.

Autumn dug around in her purse and came out with Sharpie marker, then took Orin's hand and smiled as she wrote down her name and phone number on his palm. "Call me, okay? If you need help figuring all of this out, or if you just want to hang out. You two seem like sweet guys, I can always use more friends okay?" she smiled, and Orin realized that she really was very pretty. Not stunning, but cute, adorable in a sort of girl next door kind of way with freckles peppering over both cheeks and over the bridge of her nose.

"Thanks, Autumn." He said, smiling before pulling her in close to give her a warm hug. "I will call you, I promise. I don't really feel like going back in to party any more, I think I'm gonna head home. I'll call you."

"Alright, well, I'm always available." She said, then smiled as he released her and nodded his head, parting ways.

Orin had a whole helluva lot to think about tonight if he wanted to salvage his relationship with Justin. He got into his car and drove on his way home, thinking to himself about the reality of his relationship with Justin, and what he wanted from it. The more he thought about that kiss, the more he wanted to do it again, and that thought frightened him a lot. Was he suddenly gay? Could you be gay when it came to one person? Maybe he was bisexual and just leaned towards women. Could he admit to wanting a male partner? Could he have sex with a man?

Sex with a man. Now there was a daunting thought. Could he have sex with Justin if he decided to try and have a relationship with him? The answer was quite simply that he didn't know. He didn't know if he could do it, if he could touch another man in such an intimate way. It was scary, the idea of it, but he had to figure it out before he said anything to Justin.

By the time Orin got home he was in a fine fret over the entire thing. Research, that's what he had to do, research! Justin had forced him to use part of his trust fund to buy the best laptop on the market, had made him get internet, and have forced him to learn how to actually use everything so that he could do his research easily through the internet for all of his school work. So when he got home he immediately booted up his laptop, turned on the heat, slipped out of his clothes and climbed into bed to begin surfing the web, to become more informed on what gay sex actually entailed. I mean, how many straight men actually know what gay sex was about? Orin had to admit he really had no idea.

There is an awful lot of information regarding gay sex on the internet. Then again, porn is a billion dollar industry. Unfortunately, porn wasn't exactly what Orin wanted. He wanted some sort of how too manual. How to do it right, how to do it best, how to make your lover go crazy. What exactly you had to do to accomplish all of the above. What he came to was that yes, he thought he could actually do what would be needed. He thought.

Clearly there was anal sex involved, but he'd had anal sex with females before. In fact he really enjoyed anal sex generally. So topping he thought he had covered. He could top Justin, he really felt like he could. When he closed his eyes and thought about having sex with Brad Pitt, it did nothing for him. When he closed his eyes and thought about having sex with Justin, his cock thumped against his belly and begged for attention. Yea, he could have sex with Justin, maybe not all the men in the world, but definitely Justin.

It was bottoming that he really wasn't so sure about. The idea of having something inside of his ass was not an idea he was wholly comfortable with. Hey, it's not that he wouldn't be willing to try it, but he just didn't know if he could force himself to get through the experience. Would it be fair to have a relationship with Justin if he couldn't give all of himself to it? No, he didn't think so.

So, Orin read about everything. He read gay erotica, noting how they went through each step of the experience. He read every bit of 'how to' information he could find. He joined gay porn sites and watched how they prepped each other. Lube was apparently a gay mans best friend. He learned about how to reach the prostate with his fingers, and when it was three in the morning and his eyes burned he glanced down at his achingly hard cock and shivered before getting up out of bed and tossing on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, grabbing his keys and his slippers and took off towards the nearest seedy porn shop.

It wasn't far from his apartment, only a couple of blocks, and at this time of night he was pretty much the only one in there. He walked through the isle of dildos, his eyes sliding over one after another. Pink, black, green, blue, green, rainbow colored ones. Big ones, little ones, short ones, oddly shaped ones, bent ones. Every single kind of dildo imaginable was present in the shop, at least that's what it seemed like to Orin. After a long while of pondering over what he should choose, he picked out a few different things. One was a average sized realistic looking dildo. Another was a long, oddly bent and very slim thing he thought he might be able to find his own prostate with. He bought a huge thing of lube, since he read a million times you simply could never have enough lubrication, and then he got two more dildos, one a bit bigger then the other. He thought he could work up to taking different sizes this way.

Of course, he wasn't thinking about the knowing smile the checkout girl gave him when he bought all of these toys, nor did he really care. He was so tired, and so turned on, and so determined to become informed he barely registered that he was all but admitting "Hey girl! I'm putting all of this shit in my ass!"

"Hey, are you new to anal exploration?" She asked from behind the counter when she picked up the lubricant, eying it then him curiously. No malice in her voice or expression.

"Yea, kinda." Orin said, clearing his throat and blushing.

"Okay, well then this isn't the kind of lube you want." She said, smiling.

"But it says right there on the bottle it's anal lube."

"Yea, I know, thing is Anal lube generally has an agent that will help to numb you out, but for people who are new to it they should feel everything so they know they aren't hurting themselves. When you get really used to it, you'll know what you can manage and what you can't and then you can use this and it will let you get into everything faster. For now you should go slow." She explained, "Does that make sense?"

"Yea, what should I use then?" he asked, hoping he wasn't bright red, which of course he was. "Hold on." She disappeared with his lubricant and came back a moment later with an equally large little tub of it and set it down. "Great, thank you for the information." Orin said, offering her a genuine smile.

"No problem." She said as he paid for everything and she slipped it all into a discrete paper bag and handing it over to him so he could return home, which he did in record time.

The moment the door slammed shut, he locked it then took off down towards his room, clothing coming off before he even stopped moving, then he slid into bed with his bag of goodies and drew in a deep breath. "Okay, if I'm thinking about wanting to be with him, I have to know I can give him what I need. No chickening out. I will have to have sex with him. I'll have to suck his dick, I will have to be open to trying licking his ass. I have to be open to him being inside of me. These are all real things." He spoke aloud to himself, trying to get his mind to wrap around the concepts of all of this. Thing is, the more time he spent getting educated, the more excited he was beginning to become. He sort of liked the idea of pinning Justin to the wall. He was such a small guy that it was always so easy to pick him up for Orin, and so thinking about that while he unwrapped his toys from their packages helped to bring him back up to full arousal in record time.

"Okay, I'm really in love with him." He whispered to himself, "Just thinking about him is making me so hard. Okay, okay." He told himself, his hands shaking as he took the lifelike dildo in his hands and placed it to his lips. His tongue darted out, tasting the rubbery thing, and he thought about how it will taste different. Salty, musky, that's what he read. He laid back and continued to explore the toy with his mouth, sliding it in and out of his mouth, all the way down the back of his throat, gagging, and then back out again. He spent quite a bit of time practicing with this toy, thinking about the sounds Justin would make if he were practicing on him.

After a while, after he felt he'd gotten a good handle on how to give head, Orin put that toy aside and moved on to one of the others. The slimmest dildo, he knew he had to start small, was smooth to the touch as he slid it through his hand, against his palm, over his fingertips. He coated his fingers in lubricant, and he shifted his position so he could slather and rub that lubrication over his tight opening. The touch caused him to whimper, sending flutters through his belly, and making him shiver with excitement. It felt good, it actually felt really good.

Orin's fingertips pressed against that opening, sliding first one finger into his own body. Because he was doing it himself, he was able to do so with little to no discomfort at all, and to his surprised serious pleasure assailed his form, causing him to gasp and his head to tilt back and eyes closing. "Shhhhhit, oh my god." He gasped out to himself, moving that finger slowly to get himself used to the sensation, and then sliding it out to coat the toy in lubrication and then with shaking hands sliding that into his body very slowly.

He had to actually grip his blankets with his free hands to keep himself still so he could slowly grow used to the invasion and the sensation of being so full. It felt incredible, however, so much better then he thought it would feel. Slowly, when he managed to get his breathing back under control, Orin slid his hand around his own member while he used the other to slide the toy in and out, in and out. They moved together, stroking him to intense pleasure, and soon he was writhing on his bed, his hips rocking, his body on fire.

Orin imagined the sweet scent of Justin, the slide of his silken hair over his bare chest, he imagined that it was Justin that was sliding in and out of him, it was Justin's hand that stroked him towards the impending release. It was as if the stroking of the toy in and out of him touched something that had a direct line to his cock, it was as if he could feel so much more intense because of the toy, and soon he was gasping and moaning, "Justin... oh fuck, please... this is so good," he whispered aloud, "Justin," he moaned again, louder, feeling his balls tighten up, and finally, when he exploded all over his chest, when his ass clenched around the toy, he arched his back and cried out Justin's name, the fantasies thick and realistic as he saw stars from the intensity of his pleasure. It was incredible, the most amazing thing he'd ever experienced. He'd never cum so hard, and he realized it had to have been because of the anal stimulation. It really was better that way.

Orin lay in bed, panting helplessly as he came down from his orgasm, still seeing those sparks in front of his vision as he gazed up at the ceiling. It was as if finally having his release, finally experiencing the newness of what he was going to be getting into. He had cried out Justin's name, he wanted Justin. It took him hurting his best friend for Orin to finally see how heartbreakingly in love with him Orin really was. He sighed, cleaning himself up and going to the bathroom, and then he made up his mind. He'd see Justin tomorrow, with his newfound understanding